Friday, 21 Nov. 79. I try very hard to avoid looking at Lulu at table now for fear the Tantes will think we are laughing at Helene.
The quartett went out walking with Tante Gretchen—we stopped in at Mama’s. Lévine tells me she is in love with Brandt. I am not surprised!
This evening during our singing lesson, Tante Gretchen drew me towards her on the sofa, put her arm around my waist and looked for a moment into my eyes. I did not lower my gaze but looked frankly and honestly into her own eyes and she seemed very much pleased and kissed my cheek. It was the first time I had ever seen Tante G. so moved and she whispered, "Ada, have confidence in me." I said nothing, for I will not lie to her and to my own heart.
Herr Shaeffer urges me to drink milk for my voice. He told me he could not advise me to give it up as I had a sweet voice. Tante Clio & Tante G. nearly embraced Shaefferchen when he proposed singing a scene from the "Meistersinger" with me in costume one of these days.
Tante Clio, Lulu, Mamie and I went to a quartett concert in the Singacademie, by Joachim, de Ahrin, Wirth and Hansmann. They played a quartett of Brahms, one of Beethoven, and one of Haydn. The Agitati of the Brahms quartett was heavenly, as was the Adagio of that of Beethoven. A son of Dr. Thompson & cousin sat in front of us and a Japanese and English (or German) wife were with them. We laughed a great deal at the indignation of the man when I offered him money for the programme.
Saturday, 22 Nov. 79. I was so worn out with fatigue this morning that I staid in bed till ten and Tante Gretchen brought me my breakfast. It is commencing to thaw a little, much to our disgust. Lulu, Mamie and I went out walking to buy letter paper etc.
In the evening Mama, Lévine and I went to see Tannhäuser by Wagner at the opera-house (Niemann, Mallinger, Harina & Betz). We were there much too soon. A great many officers added an additional charm to the brilliantly lighted opera house—some of them distinguished themselves in the non-removal of their eyes from our box. Lévine looked charming in a light gray silk with blue bows. Mama had on her handsome red silk and I my modest brown with blue dotted grenadine. Herr Heinrichs was there and sat opposite us, but did not come to our box to see us. I confess I found it stupid of him, but did not care a pin one way or the other.
After dinner we danced a little and Lévine and I played at 4 hands. At 4 P.M., coffee was served and we smoked Russian cigarettes!!! Even Marguerite, who was rather shocked at first, finally was unable to resist the temptation.
When we came home, we found Heinrichs in the parlor. I went in and talked a while with him and afterwards changed my dress for a darker one and Tante G., Lulu, Mamie and I went to the Singacademie to hear two Cantatas of Bach ("Blest bei mir and Gotteszeit ist die allerbeste zeit") and the Requium of Mozart. Frl. Müller sang and looked beautifully. My head ached frightfully during the concert but the music was heavenly. We came home tired out.
v. Röder had called at 73 today and expressed his sorrow at not being able to see the "young ladies" of the house. I wish I had seen him. I might have persuaded him to call on Mrs. Laurence and then he would have an invitation for Wednesday night. My head & back hurt dreadfully—I am quite used up.
Monday, 24 Nov. 79. Remained late in bed this morning and was excused from my music lesson for I feel frightfully ill. It seems to be a kind of indigestion together with fearful pains in my head and back. Feeling lazy and good for nothing, I put my room in order.
At 3.30 P.M., Margo and I went to see Mama. Found Edgar’s violin-teacher there. He told me that Edgar was making a great deal of progress and seemed very much pleased. My heart leaped with joy and I was so proud!
The weather is wet and disagreeable. Margo and I trotted home in the wet snow and made several purchases in the "little paper shop around the corner."
This evening Tante Clio, Tante Gretchen, Lulu and Mamie dined at Mama’s. Margo and I had been looking forward to this evening when we would be alone and undisturbed. She, Helene and I ate dinner alone and spent a quiet, lovely evening. Marguerite put me to bed—what a jolly romp we had, and how childish I am!
Tuesday, 25th Nov. 79. A workman addressed me in the street this morning as I was going to my painting lesson with the words "Guten morgen, mein Engel" ["Good morning, my angel"]—I was too frightened to be impolite and replied "Good morning" in the meekest manner possible. Marguerite, Mamie and I went to Mama’s at 3 P.M. and remained until four. Margo made a very funny remark about her future plans in life, but I will refrain from putting it down on paper. This evening Lévine came and the "Brieflasten" (letterbox) was opened and read. Margo’s novelette
"La Fidilité" brought tears into my eyes—I know not why. "There are moments in Life when the heart is so full of emotion!"
What a living riddle Lulu is to me! And yet I understand her. She tries to appear indifferent to me but she is far from being so—I feel it more and more.
We read a little from "Werther’s Seiden" this evening. The book seems to move & touch every chord in my heart and I often wish I could be for the moment alone and give away to my feelings. Yes, I understand fully that Love can turn Life into a hell or a heaven. I am sometimes frightened to think what dangers Life has in store for me—what folly—what bliss—or what misery. As Goethe says, "Everyone can know as much as I can but no one can have a heart like mine." Does not everyone appropriate these lines to himself? How foolish I am! I have much to learn & much, much to conquer. In thy hands, oh, my Father!
Wednesday, 26 Nov. 79. Lulu, Marguerite and I walked down to the Potsdamerstras. The weather is heavenly, so cold, and the sun is glistening on the white, dry snow. Our ears and feet froze.
I spoke to Lulu seriously and begged her to cease hating Helene! I reasoned with her—I told her how wrong it is to give way to a feeling of hatred—I did my best and my cheeks flushed with enthusiasm and expectation—all to no purpose! Lulu is bent on pursuing poor Helene with her cold indifference and contempt. I believe now that nothing will change her—no being on earth has a good influence over her. Who can say, however, that not many will have a bad influence over her? What a restless, fiercely independent nature—I fear with a greater tendency for evil than for good.
Adeline came before lunch to put my hair up in papers. I took a bath on my return from our walk. Lévine and Marguerite called on Mrs. Laurence. Tonight is the ball at Laurence’s! I wonder how it will pass off—I wish v. Röder were going! Mama came at 7 P.M. to see us dressed for the ball at Mrs. Laurence’s—Tante Gretchen accompanied Mamie (her first ball out of 73), Lévine and me—Margo was unable to go on account of not having received her toilette [gown] from Paris. Lévine wore gray silk trimmed with blue—Mama pink silk & striped grenadine and I my blue tulle & satin with blouse waist.
3 A.M.—after the ball—I want to write down my impressions tonight while they are fresh in my mind. We were ushered into the drawing rooms and presented to two German ladies & a German civilian, v. Bassewitz, young, blond, empressé [attentive]—v. Haugwitz, Heinrichs and v. Vershüre were already there, as was a young English girl in white and rather stought, who entered with us. Soon Mr. Thompson and Miss Gilman his cousin, and young Mr. & Miss White (son & daughter of our ambassador) and several other ranking American youths made their appearance. And to my great surprise also my old friend of last winter, Count Valles of the Spanish Embassy. His eyes followed me the whole evening but as he is rather superannuated, it is not very dangerous.
As I was speaking to somebody on the sofa, Mrs. Laurence came up in the most hurried & confused manner and grasping my arm whispered hoarsely, "Come, I want to present you to Prince v. Biron and Count Sohnes." I confess this manner of dragging me before two officers to be presented to them shocked a little my sense of etiquette and maidenly pride, but I bowed coolly as I could not oppose the lady of the house. These two gentlemen did not come near me the rest of the evening, although they looked at me a great deal and seemed to admire my dancing. They are both distressingly young and probably stupid, so I did not miss much. There was one Mrs. Oushant, an American, there with whom they both flirted desperately—very likely I would not have been fast enough to suit them.
I am in love with v. Vershüre (innocently so) and in rapture over his dancing! What a good, honest, open young fellow! Count Valles related me a love story of his but it failed to interest me deeply. He said some good things however (I doubt if they are original) such as "Les hommes pleurent sans verser des larmes—et cela tue!" ["Men cry without shedding tears—and that kills!"] He seems really to be in love with me and insists upon cherishing in his heart the possibility of seeing me "in society" this winter. Poor Heinrichs is always charming & so aimiable & attentive, and yet he never succeeds in pleasing young girls. Lévine declared tonight she had no weakness for him, thereby causing Tante Gretchen to be more puzzled than ever (or piqued) at his total ill success with young ladies.
Miss White appears to be a charming young girl and her brother is delightful. We ended up with a polka where the ladies ask the gentlemen to dance with them. I made a turn rapidly in succession with almost every gentleman in the room and several times with v. Vershüre, thereby showing my preference for him very plainly. I was not the only one who favored him and the poor fellow was so danced to death that he made a rapid exit to escape my further invitations. I like him more and more—how heavenly he dances!
Mrs. Oushant strikes me as being very fast and vulgar. I saw disgust painted on Heinrich’s face every time he looked at her. Count Sohnes hovered around Mamie the whole evening—it appears he occupied himself with criticizing the ladies’ toilettes. He dances quite doubled up and presents a most ridiculous appearance. v. Haugwitz was as amusing as ever but rather dry in his witticisms. v. Bassewitz looks as though he had had an unhappy love.
As we left, Herrn. Heinrichs & v. Vershüre accompanied us to our carriage. The night was heavenly—the snow covered earth was mantled in the silvery pale moonlight and the air was clear and icy cold. I threw myself back in the carriage and indulged in reveries. How different has this ball been to my first great one in Petersburg. A feeling of fatigue and almost ennui was the result of this one—and when I think how triumphant and flushed with glory I returned from the other one! I was tipsy with childish joy and pride at my success—my heart beat so that I was unable to sleep … and now tonight I come home tired and bowed. I have danced as others did—have been fêted as others have—and feel neglected. Oh, Ada, selfwilled spoiled child, are you not ashamed to close these pages with such vile, empty, worldly sentiments.
End
First Journal
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