Amor vincit omnia! [Love conquers all!]
Thursday, 27 November 1879. I nearly dropped with fatigue during my music-lesson this morning. My feet feel bruised and sore after the dancing last night.
I was reproved at the breakfast table this morning for telling Tante Gretchen her opinion of Count Valles was unjust. She said he was disagreeable (I wonder how she found out as I did not see her exchange a single word with him!) and I spoke up rather hotly and contradicted her. She & Tante Clio informed me everyone had a right to his or her opinion. Tante G. imagined he was trying to flirt with me last night and is therefore ready to say anything against him. I took his part, although really, in my heart, I have not much respect for him. Still, it is not simply a spirit of contradiction that moves me to defend people for whom I have little or no affection, when they are abused. I really think the Lemckes are inclined to be not only uncharitable often—but also unjust.
Mamie, Marguerite and I went to Mama’s at one and found them dining. There we had a long and more satisfactory discussion about yesterday evening’s ball. My blessed mother’s judgment is so clear and just. I threw my arms around her and lay my weary head on her dear breast. Tears filled my eyes. Oh, my God, I thank thee for having given me an angel on earth for a mother and guide.
Lévine is very little enthusiastic—it is her greatest fault—is it a fault? Nini arrived from Paris tonight after a month’s absence. Lévine, Marguerite and Adeline went to the depot to meet her.
English Evening (1.).
This evening was English evening. v. Röder was the first to make his appearance. v. Brandt came & brought his photo. albums with him for us to look at. Later on v. Kotze, Lévine & Marguerite came and we played consequences seated around the dining-room table. [An envelope is pasted into the diary labeled "Consequences, 27th November 79." Inside is a sheet of paper with phrases in several hands and languages, as well as a sketch of an elephant with the note on the reverse, "Drawn by v. Kotze."] We were very merry and laughed a great deal. I have not spoken of Herr v. Kotze much thus far, but I find him charming. There is some danger of his cutting Röder and Brandt out. I scarcely spoke with Röder the whole evening but met his eyes once or twice across the table. Herr v. Kotze drilled us all before leaving and Röder pretended to be a new and exceedingly stupid recruit and made us hold our sides with laughter. As the command "March" was given, I saw Kotze look smilingly at our tiny slippered feet as they were lifted in readiness. He is accustomed to seeing heavy soldier boots rise in the air at his command and the contrast must have struck him. Röder and I waltzed around the room as the monkeys did at the "Monkey Theatre"—we both seem to have talent for imitating persons and animals. As Röder said goodnight to me, I made him a deep curtsey and he was so touched and embarrassed that I was unable to understand what he mumbled.
"Are blue eyes true," Röderchen? Don’t have faith in mine for I sadly fear I am beginning to "schwerm" for [have a crush on] Kotze.
Friday, 28th Nov. 79. This morning, Margo and I went over to see Nini who is looking well. I was so glad she is back—she seems to bring life and peace with her wherever she goes. Tante Gretchen and Lulu and I went down town and made several purchases. It snowed quite heavily.
Finished "Werther’s Leiden" [The Sorrows of Young Werther, by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe] tonight. Oh, how the book has moved me! Werther, my friend, I understand you—and what you suffered. I can not help comparing our natures—does the world hold as much misery and unhappiness in store for me as was your share? Tall question, and who could answer—and who would ask for an answer?
I have remained the whole evening in the school-room and spent my time between my precious journal and beloved piano. I feel a little misanthropical tonight and it is just as well I remain alone—and lately I do not tire quickly of my own society. Or is it because that of the others fatigues and bores me?
Sunday, 30th Nov. ’79. Marguerite went to the Catholic church with Adeline and Nini and Lévine called on the Okranses. We all dined together at Mama’s and as usual had a very animated and interesting discussion at table. We talked about our military friends and I put a short résumé [list] of our affections down here for the sake of proof, in case we should quarrel over our personal property.
List of Schwermerages.
For v. Röder ~ Tante Gretchen, Ada and Lulu
For v. Kotze ~ Lévine, Tante Gretchen, Mamie, Nini and Ada
For v. Brand t~ Lévine
For v. Puttkamer ~ Mama
For v. Verschuer ~ Mamie & Ada
For Heinrichs ~ Marguerite & Mamie
After dinner, Marguerite and Lévine went to the Lemckes and Lévine made her adieux. It appears she talked very earnestly with the Tantes and thanked them for their goodness to Marguerite. They said that Margo had changed a great deal lately and was not as affectionate and confiding to them. Poor child, should they reprove her for opening her eyes?
In the evening Lévine read aloud "Le Piano de Berthe". We played the French & German pieces for Nini as far as we could remember.
I forgot to mention that v. Puttkamer & v. Verschuer called on Mama this morning and made violent and successful attempts at speaking English. As Margo, Mamie and I were there, we helped to entertain them. They made a very short visit and left with a stiff military bow. At supper, we had another long delightful discussion over great and little characters. I tried to convince Mama it needed a great character to be able to surmount a little sin in order to do a great action. I did not succeed very brilliantly in persuading Mama that I was right. I gave for example Marquis Posa in Don Tearlas, who lies to the King but sacrifices his life for his friend—and Charlotte Corday, who committed murder in the full belief of releasing her countrymen from a tyrant and afterwards loses her life. I believe that people with limited views would have hesitated before the lie and the murder.
Monday, 1st December 1879. I had lent Shaefferchen two stamps the other day. He brought them back this morning but as what has passed through his hands is too precious to be sent through the post, I put one in my journal and give one to Marguerite—likewise for her diary. [A 10 pfennig stamp is affixed to the page.]
This morning Tante Gretchen and I called on the Lawrences, who were out, and on Frau Schliech, whose pet parrot came on my shoulder and kissed my cheek with true parrot tenderness.
Lévine left this morning at 10 A.M. for Mecklenbourg where she has the position of governess to a daughter of Count Hahn. It is very cold today. The canal has frozen during the night. Tonight we danced in the drawing-room to Tante Clio’s rickety old "Rheinländer."
Tuesday, 2nd Dec. 79. It has snowed during the night and the trees are loaded down with white flakes. I commenced a leather paper block in my painting lesson this morning for Mama at Christmas. In coming home, my feet nearly froze and I thought I should be obliged to stop in a house on the way to warm them. The skating rink at Kausseau Insel was opened today but we had not time to go.
Tante Gretchen went alone to the theatre to see "Emilie Galotti" by Lessing, played by Frau Lubach. Mamie and I spent the evening at Mama’s and read from our journals. Mama and Nini accompanied us home. I was delighted to receive a letter from Louise Staughton. It made me homesick—for Russia!
Wednesday, 3rd Dec. 79. I was the unhappy cause of Marguerite’s having a scolding this morning. She went to buy me some skates and came home late. Poor girl—I am sorry it was my fault.
Skating (1.)!
Tante Gretchen, Lulu and I went to skate this afternoon at 1.30 in the Thiergarten. Marguerite and Mamie accompanied us there and left soon afterwards as they are indisposed. As we made our appearance on the ice, there were no officers and therefore everything looked bare and uninteresting, but soon the whole Kriegsakademie caused the world to seem a little brighter by their presence.
Among others was v. Brandt who did not see us at first and was skating with two young maidens in green. He turned a little suddenly to bow to Lulu and me, who were helping each other to move our cold clumsy feet, and wishing to make a very killing bow, he fell flat. Our backs were turned, much to his personal satisfaction and we were not witnesses to his would-be-polite but ill-doomed salutation. He joined us afterwards and took us several times around, one on each hand. V. Verschuer was there and very devoted to us. These two cavaliers attached themselves to our persons for the rest of the afternoon.
v. Brandt seemed to have forgotten the existence of the Emerald Isle attired damsels. I succeeded rather well in skating, but my feet recovered from one state of frigidity only to fall into another. I had on my seal-skin jacket and it was a little too warm. My cheeks were therefore in a perfect glow. Nini and Edgar came later and Nini made one or two disastrous attempts to skate but finally consented to being pushed around in a chair.
v. Brandt told me his portrait of Lulu was nearly finished but he was unable to draw the eyes. I tried to console him by saying that Lulu’s eyes are pretty but of a very peculiar shape. v. Verschuer conversed in murderous English with me—I confess I prefer Brandt’s perfect French. Just as we were leaving, Franz v. Puttkamer came in, enveloped in a great overcoat, and looked very dismal as we announced our departure to him. Tante Gretchen said she saw a crowd of officers surround our three cavaliers as we left and ask who we were—but she has a vivid imagination.
Thursday, 4th Dec. 79. Heavens! What an excitement we have had this morning! An invitation from Bierbach’s for a big supper & soirée musicale [musical evening] came for Marguerite, and the Lemckes (who are also invited) had already written and accepted for themselves and for Marguerite. This morning Margo went to her Aunt to ask about her dress and Nini forbade her to accept the invitation. The Tantes were, of course, justly furious in learning this, as there was no reason to give and her acceptance had already been sent. The Tantes (especially Tante Gretchen) thereupon told a great many hard truths to Marguerite and the poor girl was nearly wild with perplexity and grief at last. It is a pity she does not show more character in many instances, but she is so young! I finally persuaded Marguerite to go once more and beg Nini to alter her decision and this she did, armed with a hurried note from me to Mama, in which I begged Mama to use her influence with Nini (who can be so stubborn) and obtain her consent. All is arranged now and Marguerite will go to the supper and it has not passed without hard words. Margo took off her bracelet at Tante Clio’s request.
Skating (2.)!
At 2 P.M. Tante Gretchen, Lulu and I went skating on the Kausseau Insel. At first, I was in despair about my skates (Margo’s) because they were too big and hurt me frightfully, but I had the straps drawn tighter and was altogether in better spirits, as I espied v. Brandt & Heinrichs making their way toward me. It is not very remarkable, I think, that I prefer skating with the gentlemen to skating alone. Herrn. v. Röder, v. Kotze, v. Neubraun, v. Verschuer and a young German friend of Tante Gretchen’s made their appearance and from that time on, cavaliers were in abundance. Tante Gretchen informed us that v. Röder had never yet been seen skating with a female and therefore was surprised & flattered to see him step up to me & then to Lulu and beg us to skate with him. I confess, it would have surprised me very much had Röder not offered his services! Was it imagination or did he really jump and look vexed as v. Neubraun remarked he had danced with me, last winter! What a jealous little husband he would make! I skate better with Brandt than with any of the others and told him so. I am afraid he will think me a sad flatterer. Had a glorious fast run with Röder & Neubraun. I like Brandt still better than at first—he is so young (not blasé [indifferent]) and frank.
English Evening (2.).
Nini, Mlle. Schery (who arrived from Paris yesterday) and Frl. v. Ditmar came to the English evening. v. Röder7, v. Verschuer, v. Puttkamer & v. Brandt came around with an English grammar. I occupied myself principally with Verschuer, as he was a newcomer and a little timid at first, and it was a sacrifice on my part as I should far rather have talked to my little yellow Röder. However, it is just as well that we have exchanged very few words with each other lately—it may serve to calm Tante Gretchen’s sense of injury at my hands. I wonder if Röder finds it as beastly as I do! I really believe there is some danger of my liking him a little too much, and when this kind of thing becomes reciprocal, it is time to be on one’s guard!
Puttkamer is as harmless as ever—he showed us some tricks which were quite good. As Röder made his adieux, I told him that my left foot ached frightfully from the skating. His brown eyes looked very sweetly and sympathetically into mine as he advised me to pet the hurt foot and talk to it—this man has such original ideas! I find him almost too clever! Marguerite looked and felt stupid tonight—the row was a little too much for her.
Friday, 5th Dec. 79. The snow is falling in drifts this morning and it is so cold! The Lemckes asked Margo yesterday if she did not still have confidence in them and Margo answered no—(brave girl!). They asked if she could give them the reason and M. again said no. This frankness on Margo’s part seems to have had no further effect on them than that of causing them to be still more attentive and kind to her. They either wish to heap coals of fire on her head or hope to gain her confidence by good treatment.
It has been storming all day and the wind blows the snow around in all directions. Lulu and I had a singing lesson today and, of course, just when least wanted, the Tantes made their appearance and opened all ears. This discomfited me and I was not in the most serene mood and therefore sang badly. Schaefferchen, for the first time since I have sung with him, seemed a little impatient and how can I blame him, for I had not practised—but this cut me to the heart and I felt so sad and dismal after my lesson that I was fit for nothing except my bed, and after dancing a little to warm our feet, I bade goodnight and made for my snowy couch.
Saturday, 6th Dec. 79. At 2 P.M. Tante Gretchen, Margo, Mamie, Lulu and Miss Lawrence went to the Kausseau Insel to skate and Mama and I made visits.
Visits.
Found but one person (Miss Bellson) at home, much to my secret pleasure and delight. Mama and I drove through the Thiergarten and stopped a few moments to walk around the Kausseau Insel and look at the skaters. We saw Tante Gretchen gliding gracefully along with v. Kotze and Lulu also—but they did not perceive us. Margo was making sudden and violent efforts to keep in step with a young officer we met last year at the Krause’s ball. Our girls soon after left and Mama and I caught a last glimpse of v. Brandt & v. Kotze wandering desolately around and looking decidedly lost without the fair maidens of the Grossbeerenstrasse.
We came home late and I had just time to coiff Helene and Marguerite (who accompany the Lemckes to Frau Bierbach’s) and leave with Lulu and Mamie for Mama’s. Here we found them dining with Mlle. Schery as guest. We were invited to a concert at Frau Dr. Landman’s (the lady who lets Mama her apartment) to a concert (amateur) and left in full force at 7.30. On entering the room we were introduced to some unmarried German ladies and some American students who, in the course of the evening, distinguished themselves by abusing the Germans and looking generally stupid. It is true there was one who looked like Lord Byron and appeared to be clever—at a distance—as I had not the honour of conversing with him. We were presented to some elderly German ladies in another room, but were glad enough to be able to converse among ourselves. (Lulu, Nini and I, as the others came later).
!!! Chinese !!!
Soon the door of the salon opened and issued forth four abundantly clothed, coffee yellow Chinese, and I said to myself, "now the fun commences." They were from the Chinese Embassy and must be very great swells if one is to judge from the length of their pig-tails and the elegance of their costumes. I was only too glad of the opportunity of seizing upon one of them who was presented and who spoke English and Lulu & Mamie immediately cornered two others. I was afraid to meet Lulu’s eyes for I knew her amiable smile was ready to melt into a broad grin at any moment, and these Chinese are so clever that they remark when they are the object of ill-concealed mirth. Their names are Messrs. T. Ts’ien (fat & in yellow), Liu Fu Yih (English speaking & brown), Yin Tchang (young student, German speaking, interesting and melancholy). The other one was tall and dressed in blue. I did not speak to him and have not his card but Mamie declares he is immensely clever. [Mr. Ts’ien and Mr. Yih’s calling cards are tucked in the journal.]
One of their Oriental peculiarities struck us forcibly and in so ridiculous a light that Lulu pretended to push back her chair and, once her back turned, indulged in a smothered giggle. I, poor mortal, was obliged to face the performance and tone my countenance down to a church-yardly severity. It was namely this—our friends, the Chinese, use the folds of their spacious sleeves as pockets and after blowing their noses, thrust their handkerchief in these depths as naturally as we do in our pockets—I should say more naturally and certainly more gracefully, as they are aware of the location of the same and their handkerchiefs are not in a perpetual state of being seated upon. My little brown man’s odor was the worst thing about him, but enabled me to endure even this martyrdom.
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| Frl. Adele aus der Ohe |
Mr. Tsien, after much persuasion on the part of the ladies, consented to give us a song in his mother tongue and such a song! My ears tingle when I think of it. The modest young man spread his fan before his face while singing and confessed to me confidentially afterwards, that he did it to hide his ugliness. If he was fishing for compliments, he must have been sadly disappointed to see the pitying affirmative look on my face. After supper we retired very well satisfied with the concert—or rather the Chinese. The student, Mr. Tchang, has won my heart. He is clever and gentlemanly and looks sentimental. He informed me that the laws had changed in China and that men were only permitted to have one wife. It is consoling, in case I should fall in love with him!!
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