Monday, October 28, 2013

The Sound of Music and Spurs: January 17-30, 1880

Saturday, 17th Jan. 80. 
Resumé.

We have been very busy this week preparing for our ball—making favors etc. The Doctor has been to see me nearly every day and I am still taking medicine. The weather is much colder—it has been freezing for the last few days and it is snowing heavily now. All prophesy ice. 

Thursday, Nini, Margo and I made a party visit at Krauses and saw Herr v. K., Flora and the children. Friday, Lulu and I went down town alone and bought several things. In the afternoon, took a singing lesson together at Shaeffers’. 

This morning everything is in confusion. Our room has been déménagée [rearranged] for a reception room and I am to sleep and dress in Lulu’s room, and Helene in the school-room. The Doctor came this morning and beheld me in curl-papers! At 5 P.M. we drank coffee in the kitchen and at 8 P.M. we were all standing, dressed and smiling in the drawing-room.


Nunnery Ball!

Tante Clio received in our room transformed into a reception room. The unfortunate Hambruch was among the first to make his appearance and looked so gawky in his black swallow tail and stove-pipe! that I pitied the poor man from the bottom of my heart. He flourished the stove-pipe when he bowed. I only hope for his sake that no one else found it as ridiculous as I did. 


The ladies present were nine in number, not counting the Tantes—Miss Lawrence, Miss Newbury, Miss Page, Frl. Mienaber, Marguerite, Lulu, Mamie, Helene and I. The gentlemen 11 in number—v. Röder, Brandt, v. Puttkamer, v. Verschuer, v. Kotze, Heinrichs, v. Haugwitz, Hambruch, v. Dassel, v. Stangen & v. König. What was my surprise to recognize in v. Stangen the handsome blond officer with whom I danced twice in a Cotillion tour the other evening at Krauses! I could scarcely believe it possible at first and thought I had come across someone who looked very much like my handsome young officer of Krauses, but when he came up and said he had already had the honour of seeing me, and Tante Gretchen’s eyes twinkled, then I knew that it was intended to be a surprise for me—how very funny! I had pictured my imaginary v. Stangen so different from the real one—how glad I was to have been mistaken. v. Brandt for the first time since ages came up and talked to me. We spoke of “Le Piano de Berthe.” 

As soon as all were assembled and tea had been handed around, the music struck up and the longed-for dancing began. What a treat it is to dance with v. Stangen and v. Verschuer! I felt so happy and am sure looked so, as we whirled around to the intoxicating sound of music and spurs! 

My peace of mind took to itself wings, however, from the moment v. Dassel and I began to make each other’s acquaintance. I met him for the second time in my life and we quarreled the whole evening. v. Dassel is middle-sized and rather stout—he has sandy hair & moustache and a mouth with an expression of mockery indescribably disagreeable. I found him insignificant at first and never dreamed I would ever take the trouble to hate him as I do now. He commenced being aggravating by expressing all sorts of the most absurd & improbable opinions and views, and when I disagreed he made the matter worse by looking immensely amused. He says that gentlemen are handsomer than ladies and that he understood my character from the first moment he saw me. 

I went through the torture of dancing the Cotillion with v. Dassel and we fought the whole time. He rather gave me to understand that Verschuer was in love with me and I with Brandt. At the last, his teazing and nonsense had got me into such a state of nervousness that it seemed to me as though he was a wicked spirit pursuing me. “Herr von Dassel,” I said, finally, “we shall never be friends, but I propose a suspension of hostilities for this evening.” I could have slung all the bouquets I held in my hand at his head as he affected an injured air. 

But to turn to a pleasanter subject—Verschuer held a paper snow-ball over my head and scattered the flakes over my hair and dress and I punished him by dancing with him, and when he wanted to stop after making two tours of the room, I begged for another one. He did not dance much after this and looked tired and thoughtful. He is a dear man—I think I like him better than any other of our admirers—at the same time, so impulsive about him that it is simply adorable. 

We ate supper before dancing the Cotillion. The Tantes had arranged our place at three tables—one large and two small ones. I knew before the ball that v. Stangen was destined to be my cavalier but I did not know then that my dazzlingly handsome cuirassalt [knight] and v. Stangen were one and the same person. Tante Clio presided at the larger table and smiled on the largest part of the company. Lulu, Margo and Tante Gretchen with Haugwitz, Röder and König occupied another table placed in the middle of the room, and Miss Lawrence and I beamed on Stangen and Brandt seated in a corner, where our eyes shone brighter than the vulgar gas. I should have been content, I am afraid, to look into the manly face on my left and listen to his melodious voice, but no such happiness was in store for me. The owner of the manly countenance was vile enough to introduce a goodly abundance of sausage and salad between those beautiful teeth and my illusions took flight to the rolling of Brandt’s r’s as he produced one of his stale French witticisms. 

Heinrichs soon brought out a speech in which he thanked the Tantes in the name of all for their kindness in admitting them in the sanctuary of so much loveliness and at the proposal of their health, a thundering hip hip was raised and we nuns trolled obediently off to touch glasses with our worthy abbesses. 

After supper we retired to the reception room to repose and cool off, but we did not remain long as the fat man at the piano, who had probably been refreshing himself for the last hour in the kitchen, struck up an irresistible polka with renewed force. [Pasted to the page is an envelope labeled: “Unfinished Favors.” Inside are four favors in the form of sketches and watercolors on card stock. One, which is round and about 2” in diameter, has a watercolor painting of a white rose. The second, on grey and cut in the shape of a star, has a watercolor painting of strawberries. The third is a pencil drawing of a skate, with the notation, “Drawn by Tante Gretchen.” The fourth is a pencil sketch of a gentleman in uniform and helmet gesturing towards a horse on his left and a demure young lady on his right, and is partially painted in. On the back, Ada has written: “Unfinished sketch of Lulu’s for a Cotillion favor to be given to Herr von Röder. 17th Jan 80. In allusion to a remark of his confessing hesitation between a pretty lady and a pretty horse.”]

Sunday, 18th Jan 80. The first thing Lulu and I did this morning on awakening was, of course, to speak of the ball and at breakfast, this topic was the principal and, I might say, only one. Lulu is very enthusiastic about the ball and says she never enjoyed anything so much. Tante G., Mamie, Lulu and I took a little walk before dinner as the weather was so beautiful. Nini, Margo and Edgar came in an instant after dinner. 


Shaeffers’ Sunday (2.).

At 4 P.M., Tantes Clio and Gretchen, Lulu, Mamie and I went to Shaeffers’ soirée musicale [musical evening]. Frl. Müller sang two lovely duets with Shaefferchen and Frl. M. afterwards sang a Volklied [folksong] about a young girl who loved one man and was given to another. She sang it so beautifully, with such dramatic force and finesse that it seemed as though I could not refrain from screaming or something equally out of the question. I was tired and nervous and most have looked pitiful enough, for Frau Shaeffer proposed my lying down in her room and applying eau de cologne to my head. As a general thing, music strengthens me, but tonight, as Shaeffer sang the Teuer Zauber from Wagner’s Walküre until it seemed as though the tones were pouring out from all the doors of Heaven, it proved almost too much for me and on coming home, I had an attack of hysterics in my room, all alone, just before going to bed. Frl. Gaerenstein was at Shaeffers’ and sang an aria from Bach’s Alceste.

Monday, 19th Jan. 80. The ground is covered with snow and it is very cold. 


Skating (11.).

After lunch Tante Clio accompanied Lulu, Mamie and me to the Kausseau Insel to skate. We found Chambly immediately on entering and he scrambled around us until we got our skates on and went off with Mamie and Lulu, while I hung rather doubtful about my equilibrium on Tante Clio’s arm until Hambruch offered his services. Of course, v. Axen and Bode were both there with the same ladies. Bode bowed. I avoided bowing to Axen.

I had succeeded in getting under the bridge and was leaning for support against a tree, with both arms around it, when I heard someone wish me a good morning, and turning around, beheld my dear friend v. Dassel behind me. He inquired after my health since the ball and seemed surprised to find me skating. He had no skates on and trotted after me, talking all the time, until I quickened my pace at the risk of embracing Mother Earth—but as Dassel is no particular favorite of mine, I considered it a mere waste of time and breath to speak to him. He took leave of me then—he is by no means stupid although he is naughty. 

Rid of this one, I was compelled to smile on Hambruch, much to my disgust. He told me long stories that were very probably interesting and even witty. However, I did not take the trouble to listen but replied “yes” to everything as if I had swallowed it all and found it dry. 

I am sure my whole face melted into one happy smile, however, as I saw Verschuer steering in our direction—I needed no one to tell me that he was looking for me. There are some things that people feel. There is something indescribably comfortable and consoling in the quiet way he takes possession of one. He is so gentle—almost like I imagine he might be with a child. I skated miserably, but my tongue was loosened and I chattered away like half a dozen parrots. 


In a very short while Chambly came within a few feet of me, for the first time since I had buckled on my skates (décidément, il y a quelque chose—je voudrais savoir quoi! [decidedly, it is something—I would know what!]) to tell me that I was requested to come, as Tante Clio wished to depart. My skates were soon off and Verschuer stuck them in the bag after helping me on with my cloak. On reaching home, we drank hot jelly wine and answered Tante Gretchen’s numerous questions. In the evening, Tante Gretchen read us a Lerman comedy aloud.

Tuesday, 20th Jan. 80. I was again unable to sing today as I had pains in the chest. Nini came at 4 P.M. and Edgar and Margo, who had been skating an hour afterwards. They did not remain long. 
Circus.

This evening, Tante Clio, Lulu, Mamie and I went to Keuz Circus. It had been arranged that the charming Heinrichs would accompany us and that Brandt would meet us there, but he was prevented from coming in the last moment and the weighty responsibility of four strong minded females was left to Brandt alone. 

We arrived rather early and, not wishing to remain in the cold and wait for Brandt, we took a box for ourselves and requested the ticket man to look out for a solitary lieutenant and inform him that, if he was in search of four missing ladies (young and pretty of course) and his name was v. Brandt, a seat was reserved for him next to the box of the damsel quartett. Brandt received this information (obliging ticket man!) after he had stood and waited in the cold a quarter of an hour, and he soon marched up in his own true hasty manner, and took possession of the vacant seat. It happened to be next to me and I would have given worlds to change with somebody, as I think it prudent to have as little to do with him as possible—although I like his society immensely and find him entertaining. Tante Clio soon begged him to change places with Mamie and so all was satisfactorily arranged. 

I will not attempt to describe my astonishment and emotion as I recognized in two blue dragoon uniforms, v. Armin and v. Reuss seated in a box not far from ours!! I did not wish to be seen by them, but could not resist taking sundry peeps to assure myself of their real presence in flesh and bones. It would not have been possible for me to mistake v. Armin’s eyes. Not long afterwards, Tante Clio whispered rather loudly to me not to turn my eyes in the direction of two blue uniforms on my left. She added, with an expression I shall never forget—“They are v. Armin and v. Reuss;” and I tried unsuccessfully to look surprised but only blushed crimson as I felt Brandt’s eyes on my face—why am I such a donkey?! It is my private opinion that v. Armin recognized Tante Clio and me. He looked decidedly uncomfortable as I caught a glimpse of his blond countenance once or twice—but Tante C. says he didn’t and only had eyes for the horses the whole evening. Fiddlesticks!

The “world-renowned Leonora Dare” performed in red tights and yellow satin corsage [blouse, bodice] with an immense red rosette planted on the side of her head. She prepared to hold a man with a hook placed between her teeth. The man flew through the air on a rope attached above and caught on the hook. The shock must have been frightful. At all events the man fell, fortunately in a net placed under him—and Leonora took a piece of her tooth which had broken from her mouth and threw it below. She wiped the blood away with her handkerchief, and, with a diabolical laugh, ordered the man to try it over again. He obeyed unwillingly and the second time it was a success. 

The clowns were not very amusing, but I heard Chambly’s peculiar little giggle continually behind me. Lulu was very witty this evening—I think he admires her wit. 

After the circus was over and we were waiting on the corner for Brandt to find us a cab, the blue dragoons passed by and I followed Armin’s long, slim figure with my eyes until the darkness swallowed it up. Chambly the Faithful procured us a carriage and deposited us therein. 

Wednesday, 21st Jan. 80. Remained late in bed, and Tante G. brought me my breakfast. After lunch Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Lulu went skating to the Kausseau Insel and came home very late. Heinrichs, v. Verschuer, v. Brandt & v. Stangen were there and devoted. They seem to have had a delightful time. Lulu says Brandt wanted to know why I was not there and Verschuer was inconsolable.

Thursday, 22nd Jan. 80. I was obliged to take my music lesson from 9 to 10 this morning and Shaeffer had to wait for me as I was roused from my gentle slumber with the announcement that he was there. 

Miss Page remained to lunch and afterwards accompanied Tantes Gretchen and Clio, Mamie, Lulu and Helene to skate at the Neuen Seen where the gentlemen were waiting and an “English Evening” had been appointed, as none will take place this evening. During their absence, I went to Nini’s and she, Edgar, Margo and I passed a charming afternoon. I am so happy when I am with Nini—I love her so sincerely and feel that I am dear to her. 
Margo is commencing to schwërm slightly for both Kotze and Röder. They have both given proofs that they are not dupes of the Lemckes. 

Poor little Edgar is not looking very well and this makes me a little uneasy. 

 A little American girl of four years or so—a little beauty—named Hattie came in and wanted to be played with today at Nini’s. I am afraid she took an objection to me because I squeezed her too much. How happy a mother must be! Nini, Edgar, Margo and Hattie brought me home. 

A Glorious Plan! Highest Pitch of Ecstacy!

The other members of the Nunnery were not yet back but came soon afterwards. Lulu and Mamie came in looking like wild Indians and informed poor astonished me that everything had almost been arranged for a sleighing party Monday, in which we and the gentlemen would take part. They were deliriously enthusiastic over this plan and the mood was contagious. Let us hope now that it will not thaw. The girls have had a heavenly time on the ice—and declare Stangen to be the handsomest, the most graceful and the most gallant of men. I am quite inclined to be of their opinion—so far.

Friday, 23rd Jan. 80. 
General Collapse!! 

Tante Gretchen brought the barometer of our good humour down several degrees this morning by announcing the probable non fulfillment of our delightful plan, conceived yesterday. She says that Tante Clio will not accompany us, as it is too great a sacrifice for her on account of her nerves. How dreadfully aggravating! Lulu and I are about as unhappy as it is possible for two eighteen year old chickens to be. 

Herr and Frau von Berger called on the Lemckes this morning. They have rented an apartment in Berlin not far from us, and expect to remain six or seven years. This afternoon Tante Gretchen, Lulu and I took a little walk in the neighborhood and wanted to go up and visit Berger’s new apartment but did not satisfy our curiosity, as the concierge told us the contract was being made at that moment. 

This evening, we finished the “Nibelungen” by Jordan. Siegfried’s death was very touching.

Saturday, 24th Jan. 80. There will be no skating for us today, although it was appointed with the gentlemen, as Tante Gretchen is indisposed. The doctor came to see me and forbade my going out—and Lulu and I had just made our plans to skate in the Grossbeerenstr. Rink. Such is Life! But our disappointments have been coming so close together lately. For instance, one each month would be much more endurable than three in one week! 

I have remained in nightgown and wrapper all day long. It does not really seem worth while to dress. Oh, how I wish a letter from Mama would come! It is such an age since she last wrote—or appears so to me, which amounts to the same thing. Miss Page will become a nun next Saturday. I am glad—it will be a change. 

Silhouettes.

This evening before dinner, Lulu, Mamie and I, for the want of something better to do, made silhouettes of each other. They turned out to be wonderful likenesses, much to our astonishment—and for once in historical record three cooks failed to spoil the broth. When our work was finished, we all looked more like chimney-sweeps than respectable members of the Nunnery. Tante Clio read us a French comedy aloud.

Sunday, 25th Jan. 80. I did not accompany Mamie to church this morning as I was afraid of my throat. v. König called this A.M. before dinner. I did not see him as my toilette was not finished. A Herr v. Barnekow also made his appearance and wanted to take French lessons from Tante Clio. Tante C. sent word she only gave English lessons and the young aspirant made a hasty and awkward exit. Nini also came but remained only a minute. 
Interesting Correspondence.

Lulu and I were racking our poor brains for ideas for our Monday composition, when, tired and disgusted, I took up a pen and dashed off a note to Leonard v. Fink—she answered in Leonard’s name and addressed to Sabine—I then wrote to Herr Fink himself from Anton and we have continued our correspondence until it has become very interesting. One can read Lulu’s character like an open book in these letters. They are written, of course, in German, being taken out of Freitag’s “Loll und Haben”. Nini came to supper and spent the evening. We talked of sea-voyages, of Gredel’s admirer, Collard, and were very merry.

Monday, 26th Jan. 80. Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Mamie and I went to the Neuen Seen to skate at 2 P.M. 

(12.) Skating - Neuen Seen!!

We saw Heinrichs already on the ice, as we drove up, and Verschuer was strolling placidly along before the entrance, evidently thinking it not worth while to descend so long as four well known Graces did not enhance the beauty of Dame Nature herself by their presence. 

There was no crowd on the ice such as renders the Kausseau Insel almost unendurable now, and we were “Lords of all we surveyed”. Lulu declined skating with me once or twice as she calls me “a magnet for attracting Verschuer” and she has some ridiculous prejudice to the said gentleman. Why, I do not know, unless it is that he is a little fonder of me than of her!

Not long after, I saw something blue and white seated on the bench and having its skates buckled on, and on nearer inspection I found it to be the handsomest of the handsome, the gallantest of the gallant—namely no less than Stangen himself. I challenge anyone to find a fault in his whole person. His features might be of a more classical beauty, but the ensemble could not be more perfect. We all met together on a less crowded part of the ice, where we could run without being in danger of being knocked down by a thousand place of aspiring school-boys and played a game of tag. When Stangen made for and caught me the first of all, I told him it was mean to go for the weakest. He skates like an angel (I wonder if angels skate?) and has never yet been caught by any one. When I was within an inch of being captured, he was always there to rescue me and drag my tired limbs into a safety. Some delightful chains were formed in which I was several times, at my own request, at the end—but Tante Gretchen insisted upon a gentleman’s accompanying me, when I floated off, propelled into unknown regions, for fear I should never return alive. 

The three little Schlieben boys (friends of Helene) were there all dressed in suits trimmed with astrakan [the tight, curly fur of lambs]. They followed us, in mute admiration, all over the pond like three little pages. 

Stangen was pushing me in a chair and I was finding it so delightful, not only the ride but sundry glances I cast sideways at the expressive face under the white cap, when, suddenly, the whole affair tipped over, throwing me headlong, of course. Stangen caught me around the waist and succeeded in setting me on my feet—his cheeks and forehead were crimson, for he had assured me a few minutes before that there was no possible danger with him. Verschuer, Lulu and several strangers witnessed the catastrophe—Lulu says I made no exposure in falling. Stangen insisted upon continuing my ride, and as no bones were broken and the spilling-out had had no dampening effect on our spirits (rather the contrary), I was restored to my seat and we glided on. 

Lulu had a mishap before leaving but it did not prove very serious. Stangen and Verschuer accompanied us to a cab. Verschuer and I walked ahead and as Mamie expresses it were “as playful as two kittens”. 

Rienzi.

After swallowing a little dinner on reaching home, we bundled up and Tante Clio accompanied Lulu, Mamie and me to the opera to hear Rienzi [by Wagner]. Cold shivers kept travelling up and down my back during the whole evening and, besides being sleepy, my head ached frightfully. Under the existing circumstances, the evening was not enjoyable. v. Voigts-Rhetz was there—and Marguerite also, I found out later.

Tuesday, 27th Jan. 80. This morning I ran off to Nini’s and she, Margo and I went to the Grossbeerenstr. Rink to skate and remained almost two hours. From three to four, I skated again with Frau Shaeffer and Mamie in the Yorkstr. Rink and Lulu and I took our singing lesson at 4 P.M. The consequences of this day’s hard work are that I have [a] headache and am worn out.

Wednesday, 28th Jan. 80. 

Skating - Kausseau Insel (13.).

Were disappointed on arriving to find no music. There was such a crowd of people that we had some trouble in finding a man to put on our skates. Brandt greeted us, of course, at the entrance, and proposed taking Lulu and me off, as soon as we were ready, one on each hand, but I for my part declined. I was obliged, however, to skate with him afterwards as I could have found no excuse for refusing. I think it seemed rather funny to both of us, to be skating together again. 

Kotze, Stangen, Heinrichs, Hambruch, Dassel and Verschuer were also there and made themselves generally useful in heading chains etc. etc. The “sickly looking civilian” of Krauses’ ball asked me to skate with him, but rather than run the risk of being bored to death, I feigned a previous engagement. 

Tante Clio left at 4 P.M. and wanted to take me with her, but I did not feel like stopping in the very midst of so much pleasure and remained. I was glad I did, as I perceived Stangen a few moments later. Lieutenant Stumm, a tall, blue huzzar renowned for having written some book or other and envied by his brother-officers for his high military position, came up and spoke to Margo and me and begged pardon for not having recognized me at first. v. Raysart and v. Schenk were both on the ice, as well as a tall, bearded officer, whom I think I have met somewhere, and who followed me about and stared at me, whenever a favorable opportunity offered itself. 

Nini, Margo and Edgar arrived a little later on, just as I was coming back from an exciting run with the dear Dassel. I introduced Edgar to the Schlieben boys and they seemed to be good friends immediately. 

Verschuer was very preoccupied today and he confided to Tante Gretchen that on reaching home, he expected to find a telegram, announcing that he had arrived at the dignity of unclehood. I begged Hambruch to teach me to skate hollandaise [like the Dutch] and I made very rapid progress during the short time that I was under his guidance. Edgar whispered in Nini’s ear, as he saw Stangen and me skating together, that we looked like “a beautiful prince and princess”. I am sure it can be no greater pleasure to look at us than it is for me to be there at his side, in the sunshine of his bonny blue eyes. Stangen is so amiable—he is too generally amiable for my taste. 

Kotze’s naughtiness sometimes verges on impolitesse [impoliteness], and as he made such a fuss about joining one of our chains, and Tante Gretchen’s begging finally obtained a sulky obedience on his part, I became disgusted and went off and sat down on a bench. It is possible to carry a thing a little too far, my friend, and you have sunk very much in my estimation today.

Thursday, 29th Jan. 80. Tante Gretchen remained late in bed this morning and I feared for a moment she would not be able to skate today. 
Shaefferchen played the Appasionata Sonata for me this morning. I was lost in rapture. This heavenly music awakens every warm impulse in my whole body. It is in these moments, I would give worlds to have someone there to enjoy it with me and as I do. Someone, in other words, who understands me and loves what I love and as I love! 

(14.) Skating, Neuen Seen!

Marguerite came with Tante G., Lulu, Mamie and me to the Neuen Seen to skate today at 3. Hambruch and Puttkamer were already there, and Stangen, Dassel and Verschuer soon came also. Mrs. Lawrence and daughter joined us there. We played tag and enjoyed it intensely. I think Stangen must have been tired today for he was caught twice. Mrs. Lawrence sat on a chair on the ice and watched us. It is somewhat comforting that Carry Lawrence is no stronger that I and became quite as easily fatigued. I continued my lessons in hollandais skating with Hambruch and Stangen—the latter found that I did it beautifully. Puttkamer the Patient devoted himself as usual to Marguerite, who strikes out wonderfully with one foot and drags the other behind, making it a rather one-sided affair. I caught Dassel’s eyes very often in my direction! I wonder if he is going to be fool enough, after quarreling desperately with me at first, to fall in love with me?

Verschuer informed me with due solemnity, that he was in possession of a niece since yesterday, whereupon I congratulated him. I enjoyed everything to the very utmost today—in fact I beamed with joy. Stangen asked me if I would be at Krauses’ next ball. I said I thought probably so. If he is only there it will more—no, not more, but will quite repay me for Wilhelm v. Puttkamer’s absence. How sadly fickle I am! 

I skated hollandais with Verschuer just before leaving and find he is better-schooled in the art than either Stangen or Hambruch. The weather has been beautiful and the air is just sufficiently cold to bring a becoming tinge of red to the cheeks. I walked part of the way to a cab, between Verschuer and Stangen—we were all three in a very talkative mood. Tante Gretchen was not in a very serene humour towards the last. The gentlemen all dance at the palace tonight.

Friday, 30th Jan. 80. My feet are in a very doubtful condition this morning—they not only ache all over but I am obliged to walk on the sides, being the only spot where the skate-straps have not bruised the flesh. At the breakfast table, it was announced, after some discussion from all parties present, that the next time we went to skate, Elisa was to come to take me home before the others, as I was not strong enough to remain more than an hour and a half. If I had made any complaint, that the others staid too late, or that I was fatigued, then I should have been prepared for this disagreeable piece of news, but as it was, I became furious and could almost have cried. If I have not the strength, I certainly have the will to undertake anything that the others do. The skating will be no pleasure to me at all, if I feel that I am obliged to be borne off in triumph by Elisa just when the fun is the greatest! Oh, Heavens, how childish I am! So much fuss about such a simple thing! Will it make any difference ten years hence whether I skate three hours or ten minutes?! Well, I am vexed, anyway, and am not going to take the trouble to argue with myself, at least not now. 

Lulu skated with Frau Shaeffer from 3 to 4 in the Yorkstr. Rink. I went for her at 4 and we took our singing lesson together. Tante Gretchen came to bring us home. 

Candy Pull.

Found Nini here who told us that Lulu and I, together with Margo, were invited to Lawrences’ to a “candy pull” at 7. We were obliged to dress in great haste. I wore my short gray cashmere trimmed with maroon velvet, Lulu blue cashmere and black velvet made à la Margaretha, and Margo, gray cashmere with gray silk. 

Margo brought a carriage and stopped to take us in here, but on arriving below we found the carriage had disappeared. Elisa called a cab and away we rolled, we three alone, for the first time since ages. I am sorry dear Mamie was not invited and can’t quite understand why Mrs. L. left her out. We, together with the Newburys (Mrs. N., son and daughter), were the first to arrive at 28 Schöneberger Ufer. The other guests were Mr. Young and Mr. Epston, two youths who have been to Russia lately, and who were barely endurable because they brought a breath of Petersburg back with them (dear Petersburg! I wonder if my path in Life will ever lead me to you once more?!……)—and Herr von Bassewitz, the man à l’amour malheureux [of the unhappy love] whom I met before at Lawrences’. 

The whole company soon repaired to the kitchen and laid their heads together as to how candy can be made—if the sugar comes first, if it must be stirred etc. It proved that nobody had the faintest suspicion how one should go about it, and I was the only one who covered myself with glory, by the announcement, that vinegar was an essential. As everybody seemed to be content with this modest information and a load was lifted from the minds of one and all, the bag of white sugar was emptied into the brass pot. Carry L. and I armed ourselves with aprons and mammoth spoons and a general stirring commenced. Luckily, at this critical moment, Mrs. Cluthaut came and of course knew all about it, and relieved us of the responsibility. 

I have been interrupted in my descriptions of the “candy pull” and only have time now to say that the candy was a success more or less, and after the pulling, we danced a little and ate wine jelly, lemonade, sandwiches, chocolate and cakes. Came home at 11 P.M.

Saturday, 31st Jan. 80. Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Lulu went skating to the Neuen Seen. I feel melancholy. Tante Marie and I walked in the Yorkstr. and talked about Gredel and Wilhelm v. P……. The weather is heavenly. The others came home very late—had had a glorious time. v. Dassel remarked to Mamie that he thought it curious we never came together. He meant rarely. Perhaps he thinks we are afraid of eclipsing each other. 

Miss Page’s Arrival.

Miss Page (Gertrude) came to remain today. Poor girl, I pity her from the bottom of my heart. She is a bird between two tigers’ claws. 

This evening was a substitute for an English evening, and v. Verschuer and v. Puttkamer made their appearance promptly at 8 P.M. They were the only men among so many females and I admire their courage. They treated us to a great many miraculous gymnastic feats such as jumping up on each other’s shoulders, etc. etc. It was a circus in miniature. v. Puttkamer danced a Cossack’s dance which was very pretty. They enjoyed all this as much as we did and I believe were delighted to find themselves the only gents because we made so much of them. Mrs. Lawrence and daughter were also here. We ended up with a dance all around and the gentlemen declared they had never passed a pleasanter evening. 

I was the lady love: January 1-10, 1880

Tuesday, 1st Jan. 1890. 
New Year’s Day.

M. got in bed with me this morning. She had already been to wish a happy New Year to her aunt. We all received New Year’s cards from Stuttgart this morning. Thinking mine was from Victor, I was not a little glad and am not sure I did not commit the folly of pressing the handwriting to my lips. I hope I have still maidenly modesty enough to blush in writing this! (?) We found out at table that the cards were from v. Röder: he had had the prudence to send Tante Gretchen an envelope with his coat of arms, and she condescended to appease our curiosity after we had begged and begged in vain for about a quarter of an hour. Helene’s card arrived after ours, as it had been carried to a wrong address. What a fortunate coincidence that it was brought back to her. 

After dinner, Mamie, Margo and I went over in the rain and wind to wish a happy New Year to Nini and Edgar, who are very comfortably situated in two front rooms at Frau Dr. Landmann’s. Edgar had received a telegram from Mama saying she had left her watch here. Nini was at a loss to know from whom her card was until we told her it was from his “yellow lordship,” as Lulu expresses it. 

We came home at 4.30 P.M. in time for coffee, and in the evening, Tante Clio and all of us, with the exception of Tante Gretchen, went to spend the evening with the Shaeffers. I forgot to say that Shaefferchen had called on us this morning and delivered the invitation. 
Just before leaving, we were called into the dining-room where a great surprise was awaiting us. Verschuer, the indefatigable, had sent a bundle of New Year’s cards, one for each, with a cracked English inscription on the back. Our young friend seems to think of us, even far off in the bosom of his numerous family. I am afraid he has some weakness in the Nunnery. He must not betray himself. [An envelope with a coat of arms and the caption: New Year’s card from v. Verschuer is pasted to the page; the envelope is empty.]


Evening at Shaeffers’.

We arrived at Shaeffers’ at 6.30 P.M. and sat around a table and ate apples and nuts. Carlchen was as entertaining as ever. We listened to an aria from Figaro which Shaefferchen sang, and a song “Weisst du nach”, from Gensen. After that we represented living pictures with the aid of a green carpet hung up on the folding doors as back ground. It took a great deal of planning and maneuvering on the part of Frau Shaeffer and ourselves to obtain the right effect of light and background. 

The first picture represented two men in a gondola, one of which (Lulu) held a guitar in his hand and sang to his lady love, peeping out a window far over their heads, a lace veil thrown over her blond curls, listening rapturously to her lover’s voice. I was the lady love and stood behind the carpet balanced on a high ladder, with my head and hand alone visible, expecting everything to fall with a crash at each moment. The other gondolier (Marguerite) held a lantern and rudder, and was peacefully slumbering. The dear Shaefferchen played and sang the Song of the Gondoliers. The next picture was “Consolation in Music.” Lulu was a sentimental youth, playing the violin and looking wildly and sadly down at a head pillowed in his lap (namely mine). The head was that of a young girl, sung to sleep by the sweet strains, leaning on the knee of the youthful Apollo in an attitude of inmost melancholy and languor. Mamie and I then represented the old German proverb “Glück und Glas wie bald bricht das [Luck and glass are soon broken].” We went to supper after this—it was very jolly and sociable. After supper we girls sang “Hebe deine Augen auf.” We came home very late. Shaefferchen accompanied us. Frau Shaeffer begged us to stay later but Tante C. was firm.

Friday, 2nd Jan. 1880. This afternoon received a telegram from Mama announcing her safe arrival in Paris. Tante Gretchen informed us at dinner that Marguerite would leave 73 tomorrow to remain with her Aunt. No one evinced any great surprise at this—I imagine everyone knew it before. Lulu and I had a singing lesson at Shaefferchen’s. We remained a quarter of an hour after our lesson to hear Frl. Löwenstein sing something from Lohengrin. In the evening Tante Clio read History of Arts and we girls painted and drew. 

Saturday, 3rd Jan. 80. M. and I received notes from Nini this morning asking us to come to her to take part in a “conseil de famille” [“family council”]. Edgar came to fetch us and we three left together. It appears Frau von Berger desires to have Marguerite with her for two months or so in Schwedt for her and her husband to speak French. Tante Clio had recommended Margo, but Nini did not wish to accept without having my advice. I think it is decided that Margo will go. 

Nini has a new photograph of Victor, which she received yesterday. It is very good—there is the old twinkle of the eyes and the sarcastic, bitter look about the mouth. How I longed to be alone to give way to my emotions. Is it emotion? I know only that I cannot hear his name without being deeply moved and that I would give a great deal to see him again—and, if he were there, I could not look into his eyes, with my old indifference. Nini and I were speaking of Schweizermühle today. I told her, I had so often felt myself “de trop” [“one too many”] when I was with her and Victor—she said, “No, he loved your presence—perhaps a little too much.” These are simple words but since I heard them, the day seems a little brighter. Edgar and Nini accompanied us home, where we found all at lunch.


Margo’s Removal.

Margo’s trunk is packed and it looks so dreary in her room. She left at 4 P.M. to remain with Nini and Edgar in the Königgrätzerstrasse. She will continue to give Lulu two French lessons a week and receive two German ones from Tante Gretchen. 

We had delicious oranges for dinner today for the first time this year. This evening Tante Clio read to us from Jordan’s “Michelangelo.” I refused an invitation that Mrs. White sent me to Miss Butler’s concert at her house tonight. Lulu and Tante Clio called on Mrs. White this afternoon. 

Sunday, 4th Jan. 80. Mamie and Tante Gretchen went to church this morning. Nini, Edgar and Marguerite came and brought a letter from Mama. They only remained a short while. Helene and I painted all the morning in the school-room. 

I think it is freezing—the streets look very much like it. I wish it would turn cold again, sufficiently so to have ice. 

Yesterday the Tantes heard that Gredel would not come to Berlin to visit them. They are so unhappy about it. If I thought that her absence would induce them to invite Wilhelm v. P. to our ball, I would be glad—how selfish. If I had any real affection for any of the Lemcke family, I would not say such a naughty thing. 

I dread seeing Chambly again. I can no longer be unreserved with him. Received invitation from Krauses.

Monday, 5th Jan. 80. 
Phantoms of the Night!

Last night Helene and I talked until 12 o’clock and just as we were falling asleep, I heard a noise and a scream in the street and got up, out of curiosity, to see what it was. Finally, I espied two men coming along—they stopped on the doorsteps of one of the houses opposite to us and remained there, I think, probably an hour and possibly longer. From time to time, two other men who appeared to be their companions, came to them and after talking with their heads very close together, went away again. I took my opera glass and saw them plainly. I became so tired that I lay down again, but hearing another arrive and wishing to be au courant [up to the moment] of everything, I sprang up once more and lo! and behold! my men were gone! I tried my best to sleep after this—I could not. My head ached and long, black cloaked phantoms rose before my mind’s eye until I was so nervous that I trembled in every limb. Towards morning I dozed a little. 

Had a music lesson with Shaefferchen this morning. Tante Gretchen, Mamie and I took a little walk before lunch and I went up to see Nini an instant, but all were out. 


Visit of von Bergers.

Herr and Frau von Berger called. Mamie and I went in to see them. It made me quite blue to see the dear dragoon uniform once more. 

Nini called in hurriedly this evening to tell me she had accepted Krauses’ invitation for me and for her, and to inform me that dancing would be in the programme! I am so glad—I don’t know why it is, but lately I have had such a longing to dance. 

Later: My throat hurts me frightfully tonight and I have a decidedly disagreeable cold in the head—consequences of last night’s escapade at the window in light clothing.

Tuesday, 6th Jan. 80. Passed a wretched night—did not close my eyes until morning. Sent for the Doctor (Grossmann) who came at 11 A.M., and remained the whole day in bed. Tante Gretchen read “Doctor Marigold” of Dickens aloud to me. Nini, Edgar and Margo dropped in a moment towards dark.

Wednesday, 7th Jan. 80. Still in bed. Another visit from the Doctor. Got up and dressed in the afternoon and painted with the other girls in the school-room. In the evening Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Lulu went to the theatre to see the Seebachs in “Mother and John.” I sewed in the parlour and Tante Clio read Pickwick Papers aloud to me.

Thursday, 8th Jan. 80. Am still in bed this morning. Did not take my music lesson with Shaefferchen. Doctor came again and oh! joy, advised me not to go in the salon this evening when the gentlemen come. Tante Gretchen was furious, and said it would not fatigue me, but the blessed old Doctor insisted and said, “Remain quietly in bed if you wish to dance Saturday evening.” I was so triumphant and still Tante Gretchen affected such a surprised and offended look this evening at dinner, when I came in not dressed. 

As Verschuer and Puttkamer were taking their English lesson, Helene whistled Fatinitza in the corridor. This brought Tante Gretchen and in less than no time, with the information that the whistling was distracting the gentlemen from their lesson. These poor youths! 


English Evening (4.).

Nini, Margo and Edgar arrived at 7.30 P.M., and at 8 P.M., all members of the English evening were assembled, excepting Kotze who came at 9. I took a peep (on the sly) at Röder as he came in, from my room, of which the door was a little ajar. Chambly was also there, but I did have the inexpressible pleasure of catching a glimpse of his suspicion of a moustache. From my room I could hear the buzzing of the voices but it awoke no desire in me to join them until I heard them arranging charades—then, I confess, I regretted, a little, not having made my appearance. The girls told me afterwards that the evening had been very pleasant and not at all stiff. The gentlemen all sent me their compliments and wishes for the New Year, through Mamie—all except Chambly!

Friday, 9th Jan. 80. I have been letting my white cashmere dress out for tomorrow night. The Doctor made me another visit and I am taking another kind of medicine. This evening we all sat around the table making favors for the cotillion of our ball. This general working causes a great deal of merriment.

Saturday, 10th Jan. 80. I went shopping with Nini this morning. The Doctor came again and pronounced me “not sufficiently better.” He does not like the idea of my dancing tonight. Margo is to accompany us to the Krauses’—she received an invitation yesterday. I lay down and slept a little towards evening, but it has not refreshed me. 


Before the Ball—8 P.M.

I feel tired already and am in a sadly doubtful humor for dancing. I have scarcely energy enough to finish dressing and I look so white and exhausted. 


Ball at Krauses’.

Nini, Marguerite and I were rather disagreeably surprised on arriving at Krauses’ at 7.30 P.M. to find all the ladies décoletées [in low cut gowns] and everything arranged for a small ball. We had understood it was to be a tea! Nini wore black silk, Margo pink cashmere and I white cashmere. We were however greeted with admiring glances on entering the room and the gentlemen crowded around us—some old (?) friends among them and some strangers—all officers. In less than five minutes our cards were both filled. The dancing was just beginning. 

I entered the dancing room on v. Voigts-Rhetz’s arm and we began waltzing. Some of the toilettes were exceedingly pretty but most of the wearers were plain. I soon perceived v. Troschke looking as bright (?!) as usual and v. Shenck, the blond, rather stout young officer who was so devoted to me at Krauses’ last ball. He led this evening and was not still an instant. [Ada’s dance card is pasted into the diary, along with a paper and gold foil favor in the form of a slipper.] 

The first contra danse, I danced with v. Gablens as vis-a-vis [literally “face to face,” in this case “opposite partner”] and it was such a relief to look from my stupid partner to his handsome black eyes. v. Boddien is so charming and handsome. A sickly looking civilian, v. Axen, was there, whom I had met before, but if he expected to come to me for consolation, he was mistaken. I treated him abominably and he marched off with his nose in the air, leaving me to the tender attentions of v. Voights-Rhetz, but he still seemed to find comfort in my presence, for he came back to me before the ball was over. 

Nini introduced me to the great rising General of the day, v. Verdy du Vernois [1832-1910, a master tactician who lectured at the Kriegsakademie and served as Minister of War, 1889-90]. He is fat and comfortable looking and oh! so jolly and witty. I heard afterwards that I had taken his old heart by storm. I was amiable for dear Victor’s sake. Nini and I want to intrigue to have Victor removed to Berlin and brought in the “Stab.” 

At supper, Nini, Marguerite and I, with v. Neubraun, v. Vadue and the gentleman who took Marguerite in, were seated at a small table in a room between the salons and dancing hall, before a large mirror. I felt very gay although I had not taken my usual supply of champagne, and an irresistible spirit of merriment soon pervaded among us all. General v. Verdy etc. did not forget us but came and touched glasses. My partner’s attentions, in an edible way, were all-absorbing but promiscuous—he brought me cold chicken with salmon sauce, preserves and green peas. I have never seen Nini so animated. 

v. Neubraun captured me for the Cotillion just as I was about sailing off to the exquisite strains of a Strauss waltz. The figures were various and pretty—v. Schenk leads as he dances & pays compliments (?!) with a vim. I got a great many bouquets and favors of every description, which I did not bring away with me. 

L’espagnol (Count Valles) was there, but fortunately for himself and others, did not dance much. He informed Nini that he found I had improved very much this winter in appearance and amiability. On est là pour apprendre [one is there to learn], my dear friend. I hope if I meet you ten years hence I shall have the honour of finding still greater favor in your eyes.

Frau von Krause told me as we left that she hoped to see me at her next ball in February and I nodded a happy assent. I spent the night with Nini and slept on mattresses on the floor with Margo. It was three A.M. when we reached home.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Romp of Quartett: December 20-31, 1879

Saturday, 20 Dec. 79. It is very misty this morning and the trees are glistening with snow which has fallen during the night. I had one or two fainting fits this morning—but they have passed with the aid of a half glass of pure brandy and at 2 P.M., I was able to go with Tante G, Margo, Lulu, Mamie and Helene to the ice (Kausseau Insel).

Skating (8.).

There was music and a great many people were skating. v. Kotze, v. Hambruch, Heinrichs and v. François (a new officer) were there. We made some long chains, v. Kotze & Heinrichs leading. A great many officers leave Berlin for the holidays—among others v. Röder & v. Brandt tonight; v. Verschuer tomorrow and Heinrichs Monday. What a sad appearance Berlin will present without these ornaments of society in general. I told Verschuer that I adored impulsive people—he is one and so am I! I think we will agree very well.

Transparent Paintings.

After the skating was over, Heinrichs & Verschuer accompanied us, Heinrichs only a little way, but Verschuer was courageous enough to drink coffee with us at a restaurant and afterwards go to the Art Academie to see transparent pictures that are exhibited for charitable purposes. The pictures were very beautiful. We sat in a dark hall and while looking at each picture, heavenly music (voices) was heard and no one knew where it came from. There were intervals of five minutes between each painting. All were biblical subjects. Verschuer sat on my left—he heaved a sigh once in a while—poor fellow. I wonder what he was thinking about?

Mamie, Margo and I stopped in at Mama’s as we came home and spent the evening there. Henry came from Hannover at 8 P.M. Nini and Edgar met him at the station. It seems (if possible?) as if he had grown taller. After supping all together, Edgar, Mamie, Margo and I played "Schwert des Damocles" for Henry. We spent a jolly evening and at 10, Henry and Edgar brought us home.

Sunday, 21st Dec 79. Mamie and Margo went to church. Found Mama & boys had gone to the Thiergarten when I arrived at 54 Königsrätzenstrasse. Read French novels on the sly—as Nini was also out and I had nothing better to do. After dinner Nini, Mamie, Adeline and the boys went to the Thiergarten. As Mama was sleeping, I was left alone and read a little more forbidden fruit until I became so nervous that I sat down at the piano and played until the others came. After supper we danced and were very jolly. Mama has a headache but she feels a little better this evening. Henry dances extremely well, I am happy to say. He and Nini brought us home.


Monday, 22nd Dec. 79. I had such a disagreeable adventure in the street this morning as I was going to Shaeffers’ to take my music lesson. A dreadful man of about 50 came quite near to me and said "Oh, Fräulein, … [in German and illegible] …"! I was burning to give him a box on his ears but of course did not dare—but when I reached Shaeffers’ I was pale and trembling, although I know is was stupid of me to take the thing so to heart. Shaefferchen, not expecting me so early, was not ready to give me my lesson and, rather than wait, I asked to be excused from the lesson. I related my sorrows to Frau Shaeffer and she was very sympathetic and promised to look out the window when I went home, to see that no dreadful creature would accost me in the street. Tante Gretchen seemed quite furious that I evinced any displeasure at a strange man’s speaking to me.

After lunch Tante Clio, Lulu, Marguerite and I went down town to buy Christmas presents. Bought a table cover for Tante Gretchen, a cravat at Michaelis and then Tante G. left us alone to do our shopping, much to our delight. We bought any quantity of things and were as happy and jolly as three school-children out for a holiday. At Mosse’s, we met Nini and Edgar.
 

Wednesday, 24th Dec. 79. This afternoon we all went skating on Kausseau Insel to leave Tante Clio in peace to arrange the Christmas tree and presents.

Skating (9.) - Wilhelm’s Arrival.

Nini, Henry and Edgar accompanied us. We had vaguely hoped to see Wilhelm v. Puttkamer on the ice, as he arrived in Berlin last Saturday and called on the Lemckes yesterday. Lulu has already seen him and finds him so handsome. As I heard his familiar voice in the parlour, it made me think of old times. Tante Clio was pale from emotion after her interview with him. If only Gredel will not come to Berlin this winter, all will go smoothly! There was a horrid, tall, English speaking man with a black beard on the ice who marred my pleasure by staring at me and following me until I was nearly frantic.
 

Christmas Eve.

We girls, dressing to be very swell this evening, put flowers in [our] hair and bosom and made our dresses square in the neck. Tante Clio had arranged the Christmas tree and the presents on separate tables and all was in readiness when Nini, Henry and Edgar made their tardy appearance at 8 P.M. We girls then sang a Christmas hymn and "Habe dime hugen auf" from Elias. After this, each one ran for his or her table and gave utterance to many ohs and ahs of delight. The scene was really festive. The presents were immensely tasteful and useful and on each table stood a plate of eatables—nuts, apples, bonbons, marcipan, etc. We had a nice supper and the evening passed very pleasantly. [Gold foil ornaments, above, are pasted to the page, with the caption: "From the Christmas tree in 73 Grossbeerenstrasse."]


Thursday, 25 Dec. 79

Christmas Day.

Early this morning, Mamie, Margo and I left for Mama’s where we exchanged "Merry Christmases" and then went to church with Nini and Henry and Edgar. The church was beautifully trimmed, and the German original but good. We dined with Mama at 2 P.M. and had a turkey and champagne—the latter put us in the very best of spirits. Mama and Nini then occupied themselves with the tree, while we tumbled around a little under the influence of the champagne. We girls sang again under the tree and then made for our tables. Mama gave me a "Wagner Gallery" that I have long desired. The servants also had their presents and were very delighted.

As we went home, what was our distress to find it was thawing dreadfully! The streets were full of mud and melted snow was dripping from the houses. Alas, for skating. [Two ornaments are pasted to the page: one, gold paper cut-work, labeled "Basket made by Mama;" the other, a stamped gold foil bird, "From the Christmas tree."]


Friday, 26th Dec. 79. What dreary weather! Everything is mud—mud! This sad prospect for ice makes me blue and dismal. It is true, I have a bruised foot and ought not to think of skating for a long time but this does not change my sentiments. We all spent a charming morning reading in the salon.

 
Romp of Quartett.
 
After dinner, both Tantes and Helene went out and we had a jolly time and romp. Lulu got mad at Margo and for revenge, put salt in her marcipan and emptied her bureau drawers. Mamie made coffee and we drank it amidst much romping and many screams of laughter. Lulu aimed a cushion at Margo’s head but it missed and fell in full force on a kettle of water. General spilling, crash and cries, of course.
 
Visit of Quartett.
 
At 5 P.M. we four girls put on our hats and trudged obediently over to Shaeffers’ to see them today, as the Lemckes had told us to. We choked down our mirth as well as possible as Frau Shaeffer opened the door and helped us take off our things. We passed the time talking to her, her mother-in-law and aunt, and in applauding Carlchen’s infantine feats. As soon as our dear old Shaefferchen came, we brightened up. He looked sleepy and stupid and said he had been reading all day. Carlchen, who was the happy possessor of a "fiddle," made our ears tingle with several wild sounds he produced. Finally, their tree was lighted and we all adjourned to the next room to admire and congratulate. The girl came to take us home after a half hour as we had told her to, but when she arrived, we had changed our minds and sent her away with the order to come again in a half hour.

Sad Fate of Quartett.

We all sat around the table and talked, first of Jesus and then of Wagner, his wife and v. Bülow. We were soon disturbed in our pleasant chat by the announcement that Tante Clio was in the hall, waiting to take us home, and as we rose from our chairs, I think we each smelt powder in the air. In the corridor stood Tante Clio, foaming with ill-concealed rage. She reproached us for having expected the girl to make two trips and said we should have gone when sent for. Frau Shaeffer looked pitifully at us, as did Shaefferchen, both aware of the storm which would fall on our heads as soon as we were alone with our stern & relentless mentor. I felt an irresistible desire to laugh all the same and did so as we went down the dark stairs, Tante C. marching ahead and we four culprits following with bowed spirits. It has frozen.
 

Saturday, 27 Dec. 79. I scrambled out of bed in a hurry this morning to see if it had continued to freeze during the night. It had—and a weight was lifted from my heart.

Skating (10.)

Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Helene, Henry and I went to the Kausseau Insel to skate. The ice was miserable—frightfully cut up so that it was impossible to skate alone, and such a mass of people that it was altogether anything but pleasant. For the first time, there was not a single soul we knew on the ice. As it was also cold and we could not keep in movement enough to warm our feet, we took off our skates after a half hour and made for home.

We espied v. Axen seated on a bench near the entrance, having his skates buckled on. It was decided beforehand that we should cut him for having so completely ignored his duties as a cavalier, admitted into the select circle of acquaintances of the Nunnery; and cut him we did, coldly, relentlessly. This cutting must have done Tante Gretchen’s heart good, to judge from the look of triumph she indulged in. Lulu, unfortunately, looked around at Axen to see what effect our conduct had had on him, and met his eyes. This must have proved to him that we cut him out of pique, and not out of indifference, and this knowledge is flattering to any man.

Flick & Flock.

In the evening Mama invited us all to go to the opera to see "Flick and Flock," a ballet. We were 8 and occupied two boxes. Nini, Helene, Mamie and Henry in one, Mama, Margo, Edgar and I in the other. We had the satisfaction of being stared at (if it is a satisfaction—it worries me beyond measure). There was an old gentleman in the next box who did not remove his eyes from Mama, and a young one who did not remove his eyes from me. People must be curious to ascertain our nationality as we speak alternately, English, French and German.


Sunday, 28 Dec. 79. I lay in bed very late this morning. We did not go to church. Nini came over and she, Margo and I packed books and old dresses to take home. We had a great deal of fun and laughed a great deal, as Nini insisted upon taking things I did not want her to. Mamie, Margo and I dined with Mama. In the afternoon, Nini sang for us and after supper, we played games. I remained all night and Henry took Mamie and Margo home. They had great difficulty in walking as it is raining and the water freezes as soon as it falls. The pavements are like sheets of ice and everyone is obliged to walk in the streets.


Monday, 29th Dec. 79. It is raining hard this morning and it is no longer cold enough to freeze. The streets are full of mud and water. I spent the day at Mama’s and did not go home until 9.30 P.M. Mamie staid all night with Mama tonight.

When I came home, I found Margo and Lulu alone, as the Tantes had gone to spend the evening with friends and Helene gone to a concert. We three were delighted to be alone. I wrote to Johanna Kelly. Lulu is no longer sympathetic to me—she is so rough in her feelings and so abominably selfish.

Mama told me today that she would not be able to take me into society in Italy this spring, as we would be there during Lent. Do I care? I have been asking myself this question all evening and cannot answer it. Why should I care? Has not the world a great many dangerous charms for me? And the Italians are heart-breakers, I hear—and I have no trust in them. It is therefore better not to expose myself to the danger of falling in love. I wish to go home with my heart intact. Victor, thoughts of you have disturbed my solitude tonight. Leave me in peace—you must not become too dear to me.


Tuesday, 30th Dec. 79. Mama had told me to dress to make visits and come to her at 2 P.M., but much to my disgust and astonishment, I arrived in my best clothes looking superbly, and found every soul in the house out, even to the maid. I waited two hours and then they all came and informed me the visits were for tomorrow. I staid all night with Mama and slept in Edgar's bed in Nini's room.
 
 

Monday, 31 Dec. 79. St. Sylvester.  Dr. Wegner came this morning to see Mama and me. He says I am looking better and told me to eat meat. What a dear, dear old doctor he is! Everyone is packing here this morning and the rooms are in wild disorder. Before lunch I went home with Henry to change my dress and met Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Margo on their way to bid Mama adieu. I brought them back, as I knew Mama was not ready to receive them. v. Verschuer (although not in Berlin) sent his bursch last night to wish us all a happy New Year from him. What a thoughtful young fellow!

 
P.P.C. Visits with Mama.

Mama and Edgar came at 2 P.M. to say goodbye to all here, and afterwards Mamie and I accompanied them and we made visits—that is, left p.p.c. cards for Mama. It is snowing, although still not under foot.
 
After dinner we went up to see Nini’s and Edgar’s rooms and Mama paid a visit to Frl. von Bülow and Mrs. Severin. Mrs. Severin’s little girl was brought in to see us. She is a little beauty. I am afraid she will prove dangerous for my younger brother. Frau Dr. Landmann made Mama a farewell visit with her dog and brought a bouquet.
 

Mama’s and Henry’s Departure.
 
We all went with Mama to the depot—at 10 P.M., Mama, Henry and Adeline left us standing on the platform and they whirled away into space. Mama and Adeline bound for Paris and Henry for Hannover. Henry took a berth with Mama however to be able to see the New Year in (or Old Year out) with Mama. This is comforting for us to know that darling Mama will not be entirely alone tonight. God bless you, my Mother and be with you! May our next meeting be a happy one and oh! heavenly Father, I pray that it may be soon! [A sprig of pine and a flower are pasted to the page, with the caption: "From the wreath which has been over Mama’s door since the night of her arrival in Berlin, the 8th October, 1879."]

 Watching the Old Year Out.
 
Nini and Edgar left us at 73. We found the whole Nunnery in the midst of festivities. We sailed nuts with shells in a basin of water with little wax candles in them and then stirred the water to see if they would come together. The candles were named—a lady and a gentleman, and sometimes the lady chased the gent and sometimes vice versa. I tried my name with Victor’s and after a long suspense, the distance became too great for any hope of being united, and our small crafts were separated forever by the stirring waves—thus it is in Life—often! Marguerite had more luck—she and Heinrichs immediately came together and clung to each other. 

Tante Gretchen then proceeded to put plates in a row, on the table, under each of which was a symbol of something. Mamie received a penny, meaning that she would have riches—and I, the myrtle wreath, meaning I would be a bride before the end of the year. We also put a plain gold ring in a hard and compact mound of flour and each took turns in slicing the flour away with a knife. He or she who hit the ring, or disclosed it to view, was obliged to take it from the plate with the teeth. This caused much merriment.

A Happy New Year!

As the clock struck twelve, we heard a few feeble shouts in the street of "Happy New Year" (in German of course) and we kissed all around and wished that the newborn year would bring happiness to each. After this, we went to bed, much worn out. We lay our lives in thy hands, oh, my Father—may this coming year be rich in good works and joys!