All this little episode: December 15-19, 1879

Monday, 15 Dec. 79. I had a very wonderful & vivid dream last night.

A dream!

It was that we had formed a chain on the ice and Chambly, who was placed next to Lulu, suddenly turned and passed his hand caressingly over her eyes, with the words, "Little Child." She kept her eyes closed an instant, as if wishing to retain the touch of his hand and then opened them with such a look of tenderness & gentleness at him as though inspiration had lent a soft lustre to her brown orbs. I was the only witness of this silent scene and a jealous pain shot through my heart, as I turned and said to Chambly, my lips curled with disdain, "Her eyes are difficult to draw."

The whole dream is a vivid picture before my mind’s eye, even now. It puzzles me—it seems almost as though a little curtain had been lifted, and a world shown me where Lulu, Chambly and I were the principal and only actors. I hope the peculiar impression it has left on me will pass as soon as I see Lulu & Chambly together again in real life. I have told it to Lulu and to Marguerite and strange to say, it has appeared to none of us in a ridiculous light. We are at a loss to account for it, but who would account for dreams?

I remained in bed this morning and Tante Gretchen brought me my breakfast. Was excused from my music-lesson. The sun is shining brightly but it is (thank Fortune) very cold. v. Verschuer sent his bursch [man servant] to know if we would go skating tomorrow. How sweet of him. Tante Gretchen and Lulu say they know whom he schwerms for and I know they think I am the object of his boyish affections. This touches me very little.

Tante Gretchen, Frl. v. Ditmar, Mamie, Lulu and Marguerite went to the opera tonight to hear Tannhäusser. Tante Clio and I spent the evening alone in the parlor—she reading and I writing. I retired early feeling weak and tired. I wish I were not nervous—it is so frightful to be nervous! Goodnight, my dear journal, I must rest.

Tuesday, 16 Dec. 79.  A new scholar nearly set me wild this morning at the painting lesson by asking all kinds of questions in every shape and form. We think seriously of having our lives printed and sent to her. I was unable to sing today and Mamie took the lesson in my place. What a comfort it is to have someone love you as Marguerite loves me. We are so jolly and so happy together. I retired from the stress early tonight. I breathe so freely when I am alone.

Wednesday, 17th Dec. 79. My breakfast was brought to me in bed, and shortly after Tante Gretchen came in and asked me if Mama would permit me to go to a concert & dance this evening, tickets having been brought us by Verschuer. I was anxious to go and hope Mama will allow. Dressed and went to Mama’s where I spent the morning. Mama has given her permission for this evening. Tante G., Mamie, Lulu & Marguerite went to the ice this afternoon. I wonder if anyone will miss me? I envy Lulu the pleasure of skating with Brandt if he is there. The day is heavenly. How happy one could be if—if one could be happy!

Officers’ Concert.

This evening at 7.30, Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Helene and I went to a concert in the Leipzigerstrasse arranged by officers, to which Verschuer kindly given us tickets. We went with the intention of dancing and therefore put flowers in our hair and tried to look our prettiest. At the door of the ladies’ & gentlemen’s dressing room, we found our dear old faithful Verschuer in the last agonies of waiting. We were late and the concert had begun. After winding up a dark mysterious looking stair, we reached a row of boxes which looked down on the concert hall, and in one of which we arranged ourselves as gracefully as circumstances would permit, as we did not doubt for an instant that all eyes would soon be leveled on our row of fresh young faces. Verschuer stood behind us like an obedient little boy.

I soon perceived the blond Bode standing with some other officers and looking decidedly more interesting than any of them. Two ladies, one in blue and one in pink, sang very beautifully and one ashly blond officer, with the aid of violent contortions, succeeded in producing a miniature voice and making himself generally ridiculous. How I hate men who seem ever-lastingly conscious of the gazes of others lowered upon them!

 

Our friend Verschuer left us to sing in the chorus of the "Erlkönig tochter" by Gade. I was asked to distinguish his bushy head among all the others. After the singing was over, Verschuer came for us and we descended the narrow stair to the salle, [hall] where the singers were being congratulated and young German damsels were making distressingly low curtseys to placid-looking old ladies. Verschuer immediately brought up a friend, Herr. v. Axen, and introduced him. Eager for a man, we each favored with our sweetest smiles and most bewitching glances and the unexpected result was that v. Axen attached himself to us for the rest of the evening and proved the most attentive of the attentive (who were not numerous). Perhaps Verschuer had bribed him to devote himself to us. We finally found places at a table, v. Verschuer, v. Axen and me, and drank bouillon and white wine. Tante Gretchen ordered chicken fricassée which never made its appearance.

 

After supper, the tables were removed and we went upstairs in one of the boxes to cool off and await the dancing. The cooling off was an illusion, however, and we wiped the perspiration from our brows with gentle oaths against the man who had built the hall, regardless of any means of ventilation. Tante Gretchen and Helene, being both blau [blue], subsided into silence and we all rested in profound contemplation of the scene of disorder going on below.

 

An elderly lady in black was conducted to the piano and the first strains of a Strauss waltz soon brought us to our feet. I took Verschuer’s arm and we danced off in perfect harmony for a few short moments, for I retired from the field of battle, my long train having been the means of bringing a lady and her cavalier violently to the ground, where they lay in a heap and gazed at the author of their mishap, who was smiling complacently down at them and begging their pardon with an unmistakable look of mirth about lips and eyes. Before the end of the evening, my train succeeded in carrying off an officer’s spur, of which Bode was the owner. The dancing was more a torture than a pleasure as the room was small and crowded and I continued upsetting people with the utmost nonchalance.

One lady in blue and white, with hips enough for three, attracted the attention of everyone by her free and unbecoming manners. I told Verschuer I thought she must be a married woman, whereupon he replied that, in that case, her husband had certainly not finished her education. Bode came up to me after the first waltz and excused himself for not having danced with me, with these words: "You see, I am so attached to the young lady in white that I cannot get away." He meant simply that he felt it his duty not to detach himself from her. After trying a polka with him, I was very glad that he was irrevocably "attached" to someone else and pitied the girl in white from the bottom of my heart.

If Verschuer ever proved fascinating, he certainly did tonight. He was so delightfully melancholy. I am afraid he is not well. I should like to be his sister—my trust in him is unbounded.

Although the carriage had been ordered at 11, we did not get away until 1.30 A.M. The gentlemen accompanied us to the door and bade us goodnight. Verschuer has commenced to interest me—I fear, I fear, I shall dream of him!

Thursday, 18 Dec. 79. 

Skating (7.).

Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Marguerite and I went to the ice (Kausseau Insel) at 2 P.M. As I was skating with Hambruch (who bores me a little now), I saw v. Brandt dash by on skates with his overcoat on. I confess I was glad, but afterwards repented of my joy. Brandt avoided me as carefully as he did the last time, thereby bringing me to the conclusion that I am either the object of his hatred or his love—but not of his indifference. Bode was on the ice as was v. Axen—both very much interested in their respective ladies. v. Puttkamer was the same as ever—and therefore as uninteresting. As v. Neubraun and I were skating together, we ran into another couple and all four of us fell with a crash. v. Neubraun is frightfully clumsy. The ice was not very good. Verschuer did not come—I was sorry.

English Evening (3.)—Charades.

In the evening, Heinrichs, v. Puttkamer, v. Verschuer & v. Brandt came and we had charades and wax figures. Marguerite was Mrs. Farley, Helene, a prima donna, v. Brandt & Lulu, Blue Beard and his wife, v. Puttkamer & v. Verschuer, the two boys who carried the figures. Tantes Clio & Gretchen, Mamie & Heinrichs composed the audience and seemed well satisfied. Tante G, Helene, Verschuer and I then acted in a charade—"Parade." Helene & I put on officers’ coats and caps, and Heinrichs & Verschuer drilled us. The gentlemen told us we looked sweetly in their caps and I believe it—I caught a glimpse of Helene, and I should not care to see a prettier picture than she made. I think all were very much pleased at our impromptu theatricals and especially Verschuer; he acts well and will do himself honour if he plays in "To Oblige Benson." Lulu looked prettier than I ever saw her this evening and was so amiable with the gentlemen that I do not doubt but that she has made several conquests.

Friday, 19 Dec. 79.  Lulu and I took our singing lesson at Shaeffers’ this evening. As we came home, Margo met me at the door with the words, "Your mother has been here, and told me to give you this note when you were alone." I went in my room and lit the small end of the candle with a trembling hand. This is what I found! [An envelope is pasted to the page—inside is a letter, signed ‘Mama,’ plus a fragment of a letter with neither salutation nor signature. The letter from Ada’s mother is quoted in its entirety.]

                            My darling,

                             I enclose you a little slip containing some news that I know will surprise you. I am not sorry to hear it                             because perhaps you have reproached yourself that he was so unhappy. Now you can have nothing to                             feel for him and only wish him joy in his marriage—that he has forgotten you, my fair little flower, I                             do not believe, for I think he really loved you, but I am so thankful to think you are not Mrs. Sacha—                            that I wish them all the joy in the world.

How we shall laugh about all this little episode. You see, I understood his French very well when he said he had "courted all the girls."

 

Destroy this letter and make light of it all. It is a sort of a shock when one learns a man is not as faithful to one love as he swears he is, and therefore I write you this so you may read it alone. When you are older you will understand it better & know how to be prepared for it. You will have many such experiences. A man is such an egotist that he first chooses the purest girls & then takes what he can get.

                           Lovingly, Mama

[The legible portions of the second letter fragment read as follows:]

Find my letter got you … Sacha is going to be married! … a rich young girl of Provence … My Mary lost her countenance when she was told of it, last night … Such is the love of a man! Said Mary, to me, "of course"! It is the common history of the human heart and find consolation … It is Philosophy No. 2 … Perhaps it is better so, why should a man suffer all his life because his best love was not answered. We three are glad somebody else took him, he was not good enough for a most charming young lady we know, and I am sure you have the same feeling. Leonie will be astonished too to hear of it, send her this…

Illusions! Illusions! Is all illusion?? Oh, give me back the trust I once had in him! My head is so weary—I have thought so much. My idol has fallen from its high pedestal and is crushed—and although my heart wills it, my hands have not power to restore it.

Bengal lights: Dec. 8-14, 1879

Monday, 8 Dec. 79. 

Skating (3.).

Rousseau Insel, in the summer

Tante Clio, Lulu, Marguerite, Mamie and I went to the ice (Rousseau Insel) at 2 P.M. v. Brandt & Verschuer were already there and looked glad and relieved to see us descend the plank that leads to the ice. I was not in a very gay mood, but I laughed heartily as v. Röder came up to his cousin, v. Brandt, who was skating with me, and asked him how he (Brandt) happened to have such dirty gloves.

v. Brandt looked at his gloves in some confusion and finally, after some reflection, declared it was the dye of my black gloves, which rubbed off. Anxious to prove to the contrary, I slipped my hand in Röder’s, whose gloves were immaculately white and we three skated on. In ten minutes, I asked Röder triumphantly to exhibit his gloves—which he did—and lo and behold! they had become as black as his cousin’s. Röder said he would not neglect to send me the bill for the cleaning. We all three laughed heartily over this incident. Brandt is an angel—he has taken every pain to teach me to skate properly and I have really made some progress. Lulu was missing as we wished to leave, and Röder found her with some difficulty—she had been skating alone in some isolaed corner in order to be independent. Heinrichs looked so sad today that I pardoned his boring me. Mlle. Schery and the Koutouzoffs left for Russia tonight.
 

Tuesday, 9 Dec. 79. Today is the anniversary of my dear Father’s death [Edgar Ames died in 1867, when Ada was six]. A heavy sadness is weighing at my heart.

Tante Gretchen went with Lulu, Mamie and Marguerite to the theatre to see Faust. After dinner I went to spend the evening with Mama. I played for her at her request, and it was with difficulty that we both held back our tears. Oh, my God, what an unspeakable comfort it is to be able to call upon Thee, in these bitter moments! I remained all night at Mama’s and slept in her dear arms.

 
Wednesday, 10th Dec. 79. Adeline woke me up at 8 A.M. and, after dressing and drinking coffee, Nini and I went down town to buy gloves and hairpins. We talked about Victor [Sproesser]. Nini has something to tell me but she will not do so before I leave Europe. What is it that leads me to believe that—no, I cannot put it down, not even in my blessed journal. I must have surer proof—but what a sweet thought this has been to me all morning—and why? Heaven knows—no good could come of it!

 

Skating (4.).

Tante Gretchen, Mamie, Lulu, Margo and I went to Kausseau Insel after lunch. Dear old Brandt devoted himself to me in true self sacrifice. I am thankful to him for it and like him better than ever. v. Röder and all the others were there and attentive as usual. Our friends the Chinese soon made their appearance on the ice (we had hoped they would forget their promise) and a crowd gathered around them, of course, just as they were speaking to us. I skated off with an officer and they marched around a few times looking admiringly at us.

 

Thursday, 11th Dec. 79. Nini and I made a few small commissions in town this morning. In coming home, I went to Mama’s and tried on a dress of hers that is being made over for me. The weather is almost warm and I fear greatly for the ice.

 

Nini read me a part of a letter she received from Victor this morning. Did you imagine, my friend Nini, that these lines would ever fall under my eyes and that they would drive the blood from my cheeks? No, destiny has held us apart and will continue to do so—I feel it!

 

Skating (5.) - Ice-fête.

 

What a delightful evening we have had! v. Puttkamer & Verschuer took their lesson later with Tante Gretchen today and afterwards accompanied Tante G., Mamie, Lulu, Margo and me to the Kausseau Insel to a fête [event] given for charitable purposes. Not caring to wait for the tramway, we ladies took a carriage and the gentlemen walked. We all reached Kausseau Insel together at 7 P.M. The lake was brilliantly illuminated with Chinese lanterns, electric & Bengal lights [a type of firework that burns with a particularly brilliant, sustained blue light]. The crowd around the ice was immense. As the music struck up, our happiness was complete but we were also somewhat excited. Tante G. had forbidden us to skate alone and we waited in an imposing row on the bench until some gentlemen should offer their services.

Our delightful independence was blown but we did not wait long for cavaliers. Heinrichs presented his Lilliputian friend, Herr v. Garnier—this gentleman has had a "history" and is in convalescence—therefore didn’t skate and looked down in the mouth. Papa Chambly immediately made off with Mama Chambly, I with v. Verschuer, Hambruch following at my heels and Puttkamer & Heinrichs brought up the rear. I was not a little glad to perceive a yellow glimmer in the distance and see the irresistible Röder sweep gracefully in our direction but I was very careful to refuse twice when he asked me to skate with him. I feel it my duty to bring him down a peg or two. He has been having too nice a time of it lately.

Mrs. Lawrence and Miss Lawrence soon came. Miss Lawrence looked sweetly. Brandt annoyed me a little by not skating with me at all this evening. It is true I made off several times when I saw him coming. We made several delightful chains, 8 and 10 of us together. One proved disastrous and Mamie, Puttkamer and I rolled gracefully over each other. These chains are too lovely—it is the excitement & possible danger that I love about them.

I was surprised to see Röder once more at my side as I was skating with Puttkamer. I told him to have no fear—my gloves were brown this evening. He informed me it was of me, and not of my gloves, he was afraid. Well, perhaps we are mutually dangerous. I begin to believe it, but how I would have laughed a month ago at such an idea!
 
Heinrichs was in the most delightful humor imaginable. He was almost fascinating. Hambruch is as attentive as the officers and handsomer than any of them—but alas! the uniform is missing!

A strange man spoke to Tante Gretchen as she was skating about in a dark corner. As she took no notice of him, he finally caught her by the arm, but she pushed him away and left the spot as quickly as possible. I am thankful that such a thing did not happen to me—I certainly should not have had Tante Gretchen’s presence of mind.

We were very much disgusted at Count Dönhoff for asking Heinrichs if we were not a school. It is true he said we were charming and wanted to be presented, but we refused. The term "school" was a little too much for us.

All our cavaliers accompanied us part of the way home until we took a carriage. v. Röder, of course, arranged it to linger behind and finally offer me his arm, although v. Verschuer had my skates and had expected to walk with me. I was glad, however, to be with Röder. He is much the more interesting of the two. v. Verschuer marched on to Tante Gretchen, Margo was with Heinrichs, Lulu with Hambruch, Mamie with v. Brandt and v. Puttkamer was minus a lady. Röder and I scrambled on behind the others, threatening each moment to slip and fall—but I venture to say a great deal was passing both our minds. He said it would prove very serious if he were to come down on all fours in the snow because he would have fallen from such a height! It took me fully a moment to appreciate this deep speech.

The gentlemen tucked us in a carriage and left us. The other girls made a great deal of unnecessary noise, I thought, in exclamations of pleasure and satisfaction as the carriage drove off. I joined in moderately so that Tante Gretchen’s active mind and imagination should not indulge in any suspicions. Even the innocent have to be politic with her. Oh! how much happier my life in the Grossbeerenstrasse would have been, had I never met her! On arriving home we drank coffee and talked a great deal. It is thawing very perceptibly and this nearly breaks our hearts.

Friday, 12 Dec. 79. The only thing that induced me to get up this morning was the hope of finding the streets frozen, but its sweet consolation was denied me. There is little or no prospect of ice for some time to come. After our drawing lesson, Margo, Lulu, Mamie and I took a walk and made several purchases. Just as we were entering the big door downstairs, we saw a gentleman rush across the street after us, in the direction of our door and, as quick as a flash of lightning, we four ran up the stairs and rang our bell, as though a thousand devils were at our heels. It appears that Mamie had let some white paper drop in the street and the gentleman, thinking it a parcel, had wished to bring it to her.

 

Saturday, 13 Dec. 1879. It has frozen during the night and we have some hopes for skating. At breakfast, I proposed taking a little walk up to the Grossbeerenstr. skating rink, to see if the ice had held out, but at the last moment they all made excuses and declined. This lethargy is too dreadful. It makes me furious. I thank God for the enthusiasm and young fresh life he put in me. I took my hat and went alone—not to the Icebahn but to Mama’s, where I remained an hour quite regardless of lessons or anything going on in 73. Nini accompanied me home and on our way, we peeped in at the skating rink and found the ice as hard and firm as if it had never thawed. Nini insisted upon coming upstairs, although I begged her not to. I was mean & vindictive enough to wish to deny Margo the pleasure of seeing her Aunt, as she had taken so little pains to please me this morning.

After lunch, I went back to Mama and remained all afternoon. Mr. Tsien and Mr. Gih called. Mamie and Margo came later and then went with Nini & Edgar to skate in the rink; Mamie came with Mama and me to have a deed signed at the American Consulate. The deed put my property in the hands of trustees for my life-time. Mamie’s stately bearing and fresh young face seemed to overpower Mr. Kreismann, the Consul General. He did not remove his eyes from her face and asked Mama how she could be so cruel as not to bring this daughter out in society. We then joined the others and skated till dark. Mama left before we did. We ordered a carriage for this evening and separated.

Reception at Whites'.

 

At 9.30 P.M. Mama and I went to a large reception at Whites’, our Ambassador. [A calling card for "Mr. Andrew D. White, Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary for the United States of America, Berlin" is enclosed.] Mama wore Nile green silk and I white cashmere. We arrived late and were shown into a large room where a great many people were talking and drinking tea. Miss White presented several young Americans and one tall, blond, young German officer, Bode, whom I found very pleasant. Mama brought Mr. Lanssig and presented him. He is tall and good-looking and they say, very clever.

 

An American lady, who is studying for the Opera, sang a few arias, and a pupil of Rubinstein played. An American youth whom I had met at the Lawrences’ complained of the heat and begged me to come into one of the smaller drawing-rooms. I thought to myself (wrongly, as I afterwards found)—"my young compatriot thinks it will be very easy to commence an innocent American flirtation with me. He is not aware perhaps of my strict foreign principles"—and I refused very flatly. As he begged once more however and offered to carry my ice for me, curiosity got the better of me (as it always does of a woman) and I took his arm and passed through several rooms where we saw couples scattered here & there, until I finally sank down on a chair and told him I thought it was far enough. He stood up beside me and we talked about German literature—my wicked suspicions vanished and I found him very agreeable & clever.

Mr. Kreismann asked about Mamie—he confessed she had taken his heart by storm. The Whites’ apartment is superb and furnished in exquisite taste. Mama was amused by a Mr. Link of Oregon, who was witty and clever. Mama and I were more dressed than anybody else. There were many more gentlemen than ladies and the students were sadly numerous. Two cornered me just before leaving and bored me for the space of ten minutes. There were several other officers there but only one was presented to me. Mrs. White begged me to bring my music the next time. She is a charming little lady—very quiet and dignified. I spent the night and slept with Mama. The evening was pleasant. Society has many charms.

Sunday, 14 Dec. 79. I woke up early this morning and dressed only half-way as my boots and cloak etc. were at 73. On arriving at 73, found the others nearly dressed and I hastily donned my gray fur-trimmed skating costume and cap.

 

Skating (6.) - Neuen Seen.

At 10.30 A.M., we were on the ice at Neuen Seen—Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Helene, Margo and I. I had my skates on in a hurry and started off rather doubtfully, as none of our attendant cavaliers were there to pick up and cherish the debris [wreckage] in case of accident. However, much to my private satisfaction, I succeeded brilliantly and am really learning to be independent on ice.

v. Puttkamer was the first to make his appearance and devoted himself for the first half-hour to Marguerite, who clung to him frantically. v. Verschuer, Heinrichs and v. Garnier also came and my surprise was not great to perceive Lieutenant Bode, whom I had met the evening before, making towards me, very gracefully. I presented him to Tante Gretchen, who did not look serene by any means, and to Lulu. I then skated with him and we got along splendidly. He has jolly blue eyes and something very fascinating about him. He speaks French and English almost perfectly.
 

v. Brandt was absent, much to my disappointment, and I venture to say, to everyone’s. Someone told us he was ill. Poor boy, too much skating probably. Ella Bierbach and brother were there and also two young lady friends of Heinrichs and Gernier. We made chains all together which proved very brilliant. Little Ella generally sat down on the ice at the end to make the Grand Finale as imposing as possible.

Lulu and Heinrichs were inseparable towards the last. Madame Chambly seems to have had no trouble in finding consolation for the absence of her interesting husband. Marguerite’s violent efforts at skating, not being crowned with success, she disarmed and made a few solo promenades around the ice. It is really a pity that her legs are so obstinate to stick to Mother Earth!

Puttkamer walked to a cab with us. On the way he informed me his brother, Wilhelm, was expected on the 21st of this month and that he would remain in Berlin four weeks. For myself, I was delighted, as I have never been able to conquer the old foible I had for him; but if Gredel Lemcke is coming also, there will be a row in the camp. Wilhelm is too open & frank to deal with Tante Gretchen and she will never forgive him for not being at Gredel’s feet. I am very curious to see how things will turn out. I was tired out and nervous on reaching home and very little disposed to play at Schaeffers’ this afternoon. We ate dinner hastily and, as the clock struck four, were standing on Shaeffers’ doorsteps

 

Shaeffers’ Sunday (1).

The audience consisted in the Nunnery (namely ourselves), Mama, Nini, Shaeffers’ mother and aunt and an inoffensive looking young man, who roamed around and looked lost among so many bewitching females. Their new apartment is charming and even elegant. Altogether, Frau Shaeffer is a woman to be envied—in the first place on account of her husband, and then her children and worldly possessions in general.

We first drank coffee in tiny cups and were very gay (especially we girls) and then Frl. Löwenstein sang the glorious aria from Fidelio "Du Abschenlicher." Herr Shaeffer sang two songs from Schubert and then I marched bravely up and played "Abends" and afterwards "Nachts" from Schumann.

Tante Gretchen told me I looked like a Muse as I sat at the piano and Frau Shaeffer said there was but one touch she preferred to mine and that was her husband’s. I am only too ready to share my laurels with dear Shaefferchen. How sweet and boyish he was this evening! He looked as interested as we all did when his babies were shown off—I sometimes believe he quite forgets he is a "pater familias" ["head of the family"].

Something annoyed me very much before the end of the musical entertainment—Tante Clio and Nini had insisted upon Mamie’s playing and I was against it as I knew how nervous she was and therefore begged them not to ask her. They paid no attention to me, however, and poor Mamie played and played badly, and of mere nervousness. I know what her feelings would be when she finished and went up to her as she should not be alone. She turned around on the piano-stool and raised her great, tearful eyes to mine with such an expression of sadness that I repressed my own tears with difficulty and swore at Tante Clio in my inmost soul. I have come to the conclusion that my one weak point is—Mamie. And that when people want to hurt me the most, they must do it through my sweet sister. Perhaps my persistence in thinking her perfect is wrong, but I will believe it, and I declare him or her for my deadliest enemy who dares to wound her feelings by word or deed. It is a foiblesse [weakness]—some people have more than one. Margo, Mamie and I finished the evening very pleasantly at Mama’s and came home at 10.

 

 

 

 

Are blue eyes true?: November 27-December 6, 1879

　

Amor vincit omnia! [Love conquers all!]

Thursday, 27 November 1879. I nearly dropped with fatigue during my music-lesson this morning. My feet feel bruised and sore after the dancing last night.

I was reproved at the breakfast table this morning for telling Tante Gretchen her opinion of Count Valles was unjust. She said he was disagreeable (I wonder how she found out as I did not see her exchange a single word with him!) and I spoke up rather hotly and contradicted her. She & Tante Clio informed me everyone had a right to his or her opinion. Tante G. imagined he was trying to flirt with me last night and is therefore ready to say anything against him. I took his part, although really, in my heart, I have not much respect for him. Still, it is not simply a spirit of contradiction that moves me to defend people for whom I have little or no affection, when they are abused. I really think the Lemckes are inclined to be not only uncharitable often—but also unjust.

Mamie, Marguerite and I went to Mama’s at one and found them dining. There we had a long and more satisfactory discussion about yesterday evening’s ball. My blessed mother’s judgment is so clear and just. I threw my arms around her and lay my weary head on her dear breast. Tears filled my eyes. Oh, my God, I thank thee for having given me an angel on earth for a mother and guide.

Lévine is very little enthusiastic—it is her greatest fault—is it a fault? Nini arrived from Paris tonight after a month’s absence. Lévine, Marguerite and Adeline went to the depot to meet her.

 

English Evening (1.).

This evening was English evening. v. Röder was the first to make his appearance. v. Brandt came & brought his photo. albums with him for us to look at. Later on v. Kotze, Lévine & Marguerite came and we played consequences seated around the dining-room table. [An envelope is pasted into the diary labeled "Consequences, 27th November 79." Inside is a sheet of paper with phrases in several hands and languages, as well as a sketch of an elephant with the note on the reverse, "Drawn by v. Kotze."] We were very merry and laughed a great deal. I have not spoken of Herr v. Kotze much thus far, but I find him charming. There is some danger of his cutting Röder and Brandt out. I scarcely spoke with Röder the whole evening but met his eyes once or twice across the table. Herr v. Kotze drilled us all before leaving and Röder pretended to be a new and exceedingly stupid recruit and made us hold our sides with laughter. As the command "March" was given, I saw Kotze look smilingly at our tiny slippered feet as they were lifted in readiness. He is accustomed to seeing heavy soldier boots rise in the air at his command and the contrast must have struck him. Röder and I waltzed around the room as the monkeys did at the "Monkey Theatre"—we both seem to have talent for imitating persons and animals. As Röder said goodnight to me, I made him a deep curtsey and he was so touched and embarrassed that I was unable to understand what he mumbled.

"Are blue eyes true," Röderchen? Don’t have faith in mine for I sadly fear I am beginning to "schwerm" for [have a crush on] Kotze.

Friday, 28th Nov. 79. This morning, Margo and I went over to see Nini who is looking well. I was so glad she is back—she seems to bring life and peace with her wherever she goes. Tante Gretchen and Lulu and I went down town and made several purchases. It snowed quite heavily.

Finished "Werther’s Leiden" [The Sorrows of Young Werther, by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe] tonight. Oh, how the book has moved me! Werther, my friend, I understand you—and what you suffered. I can not help comparing our natures—does the world hold as much misery and unhappiness in store for me as was your share? Tall question, and who could answer—and who would ask for an answer?

Saturday, 29th Nov. 79. This afternoon, Tante Clio, Lulu, Mamie and I went to see the exquisite piece of sculpture by Müller in the "National Gallerie"—"Prometheus and the Oceanides." It is a masterpiece. We afterwards went to the museum and looked at the pictures and old sculpture. A conceited youth, with some just pretension to beauty, rather spoiled my pleasure by staring at me. 

I have remained the whole evening in the school-room and spent my time between my precious journal and beloved piano. I feel a little misanthropical tonight and it is just as well I remain alone—and lately I do not tire quickly of my own society. Or is it because that of the others fatigues and bores me?

Sunday, 30th Nov. ’79. Marguerite went to the Catholic church with Adeline and Nini and Lévine called on the Okranses. We all dined together at Mama’s and as usual had a very animated and interesting discussion at table. We talked about our military friends and I put a short résumé [list] of our affections down here for the sake of proof, in case we should quarrel over our personal property.

List of Schwermerages.

For v. Röder ~ Tante Gretchen, Ada and Lulu

For v. Kotze ~ Lévine, Tante Gretchen, Mamie, Nini and Ada

For v. Brand t~ Lévine

For v. Puttkamer ~ Mama

For v. Verschuer ~ Mamie & Ada

For Heinrichs ~ Marguerite & Mamie

After dinner, Marguerite and Lévine went to the Lemckes and Lévine made her adieux. It appears she talked very earnestly with the Tantes and thanked them for their goodness to Marguerite. They said that Margo had changed a great deal lately and was not as affectionate and confiding to them. Poor child, should they reprove her for opening her eyes?

In the evening Lévine read aloud "Le Piano de Berthe". We played the French & German pieces for Nini as far as we could remember.

I forgot to mention that v. Puttkamer & v. Verschuer called on Mama this morning and made violent and successful attempts at speaking English. As Margo, Mamie and I were there, we helped to entertain them. They made a very short visit and left with a stiff military bow. At supper, we had another long delightful discussion over great and little characters. I tried to convince Mama it needed a great character to be able to surmount a little sin in order to do a great action. I did not succeed very brilliantly in persuading Mama that I was right. I gave for example Marquis Posa in Don Tearlas, who lies to the King but sacrifices his life for his friend—and Charlotte Corday, who committed murder in the full belief of releasing her countrymen from a tyrant and afterwards loses her life. I believe that people with limited views would have hesitated before the lie and the murder.

Monday, 1st December 1879. I had lent Shaefferchen two stamps the other day. He brought them back this morning but as what has passed through his hands is too precious to be sent through the post, I put one in my journal and give one to Marguerite—likewise for her diary. [A 10 pfennig stamp is affixed to the page.]

This morning Tante Gretchen and I called on the Lawrences, who were out, and on Frau Schliech, whose pet parrot came on my shoulder and kissed my cheek with true parrot tenderness.

Lévine left this morning at 10 A.M. for Mecklenbourg where she has the position of governess to a daughter of Count Hahn. It is very cold today. The canal has frozen during the night. Tonight we danced in the drawing-room to Tante Clio’s rickety old "Rheinländer."

Tuesday, 2nd Dec. 79. It has snowed during the night and the trees are loaded down with white flakes. I commenced a leather paper block in my painting lesson this morning for Mama at Christmas. In coming home, my feet nearly froze and I thought I should be obliged to stop in a house on the way to warm them. The skating rink at Kausseau Insel was opened today but we had not time to go.

Tante Gretchen went alone to the theatre to see "Emilie Galotti" by Lessing, played by Frau Lubach. Mamie and I spent the evening at Mama’s and read from our journals. Mama and Nini accompanied us home. I was delighted to receive a letter from Louise Staughton. It made me homesick—for Russia!

Wednesday, 3rd Dec. 79. I was the unhappy cause of Marguerite’s having a scolding this morning. She went to buy me some skates and came home late. Poor girl—I am sorry it was my fault.

Skating (1.)!

Tante Gretchen, Lulu and I went to skate this afternoon at 1.30 in the Thiergarten. Marguerite and Mamie accompanied us there and left soon afterwards as they are indisposed. As we made our appearance on the ice, there were no officers and therefore everything looked bare and uninteresting, but soon the whole Kriegsakademie caused the world to seem a little brighter by their presence.

Among others was v. Brandt who did not see us at first and was skating with two young maidens in green. He turned a little suddenly to bow to Lulu and me, who were helping each other to move our cold clumsy feet, and wishing to make a very killing bow, he fell flat. Our backs were turned, much to his personal satisfaction and we were not witnesses to his would-be-polite but ill-doomed salutation. He joined us afterwards and took us several times around, one on each hand. V. Verschuer was there and very devoted to us. These two cavaliers attached themselves to our persons for the rest of the afternoon.

v. Brandt seemed to have forgotten the existence of the Emerald Isle attired damsels. I succeeded rather well in skating, but my feet recovered from one state of frigidity only to fall into another. I had on my seal-skin jacket and it was a little too warm. My cheeks were therefore in a perfect glow. Nini and Edgar came later and Nini made one or two disastrous attempts to skate but finally consented to being pushed around in a chair.

v. Brandt told me his portrait of Lulu was nearly finished but he was unable to draw the eyes. I tried to console him by saying that Lulu’s eyes are pretty but of a very peculiar shape. v. Verschuer conversed in murderous English with me—I confess I prefer Brandt’s perfect French. Just as we were leaving, Franz v. Puttkamer came in, enveloped in a great overcoat, and looked very dismal as we announced our departure to him. Tante Gretchen said she saw a crowd of officers surround our three cavaliers as we left and ask who we were—but she has a vivid imagination.

Thursday, 4th Dec. 79. Heavens! What an excitement we have had this morning! An invitation from Bierbach’s for a big supper & soirée musicale [musical evening] came for Marguerite, and the Lemckes (who are also invited) had already written and accepted for themselves and for Marguerite. This morning Margo went to her Aunt to ask about her dress and Nini forbade her to accept the invitation. The Tantes were, of course, justly furious in learning this, as there was no reason to give and her acceptance had already been sent. The Tantes (especially Tante Gretchen) thereupon told a great many hard truths to Marguerite and the poor girl was nearly wild with perplexity and grief at last. It is a pity she does not show more character in many instances, but she is so young! I finally persuaded Marguerite to go once more and beg Nini to alter her decision and this she did, armed with a hurried note from me to Mama, in which I begged Mama to use her influence with Nini (who can be so stubborn) and obtain her consent. All is arranged now and Marguerite will go to the supper and it has not passed without hard words. Margo took off her bracelet at Tante Clio’s request.

Skating (2.)!

At 2 P.M. Tante Gretchen, Lulu and I went skating on the Kausseau Insel. At first, I was in despair about my skates (Margo’s) because they were too big and hurt me frightfully, but I had the straps drawn tighter and was altogether in better spirits, as I espied v. Brandt & Heinrichs making their way toward me. It is not very remarkable, I think, that I prefer skating with the gentlemen to skating alone. Herrn. v. Röder, v. Kotze, v. Neubraun, v. Verschuer and a young German friend of Tante Gretchen’s made their appearance and from that time on, cavaliers were in abundance. Tante Gretchen informed us that v. Röder had never yet been seen skating with a female and therefore was surprised & flattered to see him step up to me & then to Lulu and beg us to skate with him. I confess, it would have surprised me very much had Röder not offered his services! Was it imagination or did he really jump and look vexed as v. Neubraun remarked he had danced with me, last winter! What a jealous little husband he would make! I skate better with Brandt than with any of the others and told him so. I am afraid he will think me a sad flatterer. Had a glorious fast run with Röder & Neubraun. I like Brandt still better than at first—he is so young (not blasé [indifferent]) and frank.

Poor Elisa, the house-girl, has had a fearful blowing up today. It appears she has been wildly in love with a man for twoyears who amounts to nothing; and last week she disappeared and was not found for a day and a night. She thinks the wretch intends to marry her and had gone to him. Her uncle came from the country today and scolded her, also forbade her to go out excepting in her brother’s or Anna’s (the cook’s) company. Poor demoralized creature! What love can do! It is the only malady for which there is no remedy. Cupid is a sly but fatal youngster.

English Evening (2.).

Nini, Mlle. Schery (who arrived from Paris yesterday) and Frl. v. Ditmar came to the English evening. v. Röder7, v. Verschuer, v. Puttkamer & v. Brandt came around with an English grammar. I occupied myself principally with Verschuer, as he was a newcomer and a little timid at first, and it was a sacrifice on my part as I should far rather have talked to my little yellow Röder. However, it is just as well that we have exchanged very few words with each other lately—it may serve to calm Tante Gretchen’s sense of injury at my hands. I wonder if Röder finds it as beastly as I do! I really believe there is some danger of my liking him a little too much, and when this kind of thing becomes reciprocal, it is time to be on one’s guard!

Puttkamer is as harmless as ever—he showed us some tricks which were quite good. As Röder made his adieux, I told him that my left foot ached frightfully from the skating. His brown eyes looked very sweetly and sympathetically into mine as he advised me to pet the hurt foot and talk to it—this man has such original ideas! I find him almost too clever! Marguerite looked and felt stupid tonight—the row was a little too much for her.

Friday, 5th Dec. 79. The snow is falling in drifts this morning and it is so cold! The Lemckes asked Margo yesterday if she did not still have confidence in them and Margo answered no—(brave girl!). They asked if she could give them the reason and M. again said no. This frankness on Margo’s part seems to have had no further effect on them than that of causing them to be still more attentive and kind to her. They either wish to heap coals of fire on her head or hope to gain her confidence by good treatment.

It has been storming all day and the wind blows the snow around in all directions. Lulu and I had a singing lesson today and, of course, just when least wanted, the Tantes made their appearance and opened all ears. This discomfited me and I was not in the most serene mood and therefore sang badly. Schaefferchen, for the first time since I have sung with him, seemed a little impatient and how can I blame him, for I had not practised—but this cut me to the heart and I felt so sad and dismal after my lesson that I was fit for nothing except my bed, and after dancing a little to warm our feet, I bade goodnight and made for my snowy couch.

Saturday, 6th Dec. 79. At 2 P.M. Tante Gretchen, Margo, Mamie, Lulu and Miss Lawrence went to the Kausseau Insel to skate and Mama and I made visits.

Visits.

Found but one person (Miss Bellson) at home, much to my secret pleasure and delight. Mama and I drove through the Thiergarten and stopped a few moments to walk around the Kausseau Insel and look at the skaters. We saw Tante Gretchen gliding gracefully along with v. Kotze and Lulu also—but they did not perceive us. Margo was making sudden and violent efforts to keep in step with a young officer we met last year at the Krause’s ball. Our girls soon after left and Mama and I caught a last glimpse of v. Brandt & v. Kotze wandering desolately around and looking decidedly lost without the fair maidens of the Grossbeerenstrasse.

We came home late and I had just time to coiff Helene and Marguerite (who accompany the Lemckes to Frau Bierbach’s) and leave with Lulu and Mamie for Mama’s. Here we found them dining with Mlle. Schery as guest. We were invited to a concert at Frau Dr. Landman’s (the lady who lets Mama her apartment) to a concert (amateur) and left in full force at 7.30. On entering the room we were introduced to some unmarried German ladies and some American students who, in the course of the evening, distinguished themselves by abusing the Germans and looking generally stupid. It is true there was one who looked like Lord Byron and appeared to be clever—at a distance—as I had not the honour of conversing with him. We were presented to some elderly German ladies in another room, but were glad enough to be able to converse among ourselves. (Lulu, Nini and I, as the others came later).

!!! Chinese !!!

Soon the door of the salon opened and issued forth four abundantly clothed, coffee yellow Chinese, and I said to myself, "now the fun commences." They were from the Chinese Embassy and must be very great swells if one is to judge from the length of their pig-tails and the elegance of their costumes. I was only too glad of the opportunity of seizing upon one of them who was presented and who spoke English and Lulu & Mamie immediately cornered two others. I was afraid to meet Lulu’s eyes for I knew her amiable smile was ready to melt into a broad grin at any moment, and these Chinese are so clever that they remark when they are the object of ill-concealed mirth. Their names are Messrs. T. Ts’ien (fat & in yellow), Liu Fu Yih (English speaking & brown), Yin Tchang (young student, German speaking, interesting and melancholy). The other one was tall and dressed in blue. I did not speak to him and have not his card but Mamie declares he is immensely clever. [Mr. Ts’ien and Mr. Yih’s calling cards are tucked in the journal.]

One of their Oriental peculiarities struck us forcibly and in so ridiculous a light that Lulu pretended to push back her chair and, once her back turned, indulged in a smothered giggle. I, poor mortal, was obliged to face the performance and tone my countenance down to a church-yardly severity. It was namely this—our friends, the Chinese, use the folds of their spacious sleeves as pockets and after blowing their noses, thrust their handkerchief in these depths as naturally as we do in our pockets—I should say more naturally and certainly more gracefully, as they are aware of the location of the same and their handkerchiefs are not in a perpetual state of being seated upon. My little brown man’s odor was the worst thing about him, but enabled me to endure even this martyrdom.

Frl. Adele aus der Ohe

Soon the concert began and Frl. Adele aus der Ohe [1864-1937; a child prodigy accepted in 1876 as a student of Franz Liszt] and two sisters played and sang very beautifully. As supper was announced, I saw the Chinese element rush precipitately for the ladies and march with a satisfied smile into the next room. Browny made for me and seated me at a long table. He served me promptly and delightfully—and then sat down beside me before a plate of meats and salads of every description. After a general stirring up of the contents, he commenced eating, and much to my disgust & disappointment with a knife & fork and quite like any savage European. My illusions took to themselves wings—chop sticks are then myths??

Mr. Tsien, after much persuasion on the part of the ladies, consented to give us a song in his mother tongue and such a song! My ears tingle when I think of it. The modest young man spread his fan before his face while singing and confessed to me confidentially afterwards, that he did it to hide his ugliness. If he was fishing for compliments, he must have been sadly disappointed to see the pitying affirmative look on my face. After supper we retired very well satisfied with the concert—or rather the Chinese. The student, Mr. Tchang, has won my heart. He is clever and gentlemanly and looks sentimental. He informed me that the laws had changed in China and that men were only permitted to have one wife. It is consoling, in case I should fall in love with him!!