Tuesday, 11 Nov. ’79. Helene and I staid in bed late this morning as H. is sick and I am anxious to be, which amounts to the same thing. Tante Gretchen brought me my breakfast. Tante Clio & Tante G. read aloud to me all morning and I lay down and dozed on the dining-room sofa.
Tante G. told Marguerite that we were all a funny lot of young girls and that everyone was too good to us. How can any one be so hypocritical? Tante G. was so charming to me this morning that I never suspected she was harbouring such unjust & unkind thoughts against me. I am thankful for your goodness, Tante Gretchen, but what a mistake you made, when you allowed me to lose the confidence I had in you—and what is worse, the respect, without which no love can be sincere and no friendship exist.
I told Lulu today that I did not think she cared to please as much as young girls generally do. She replied that it was no earthly use trying where there was so little probability of success, whereupon I told her I saw no reason as she knew she was pretty (and so she is, by Jove). She blushed and did not seem pleased. "Lulu," I said, "is it my fault if you look like a Grecian goddess?" She does not like me to pay her compliments but she can not be ignorant of her beauty.
Tante Gretchen went out after dinner and Mamie went to see Mama. Tante Clio declared she wished to hear Marguerite and Lulu repeat their comedy and the book was nowhere to be found. Lulu, Margo and I were to be seen, despair painted on our faces, candles in our hands, marching in a row in every corner of the house in search of the mislaid book. We were all three dying with laughter as Tante Clio’s anger became more & more intense and the situation grew more and more ridiculous. We declared that Brandt must have carried it away in his pocket. I have a suspicion a row is preparing itself to fall on our innocent heads as the Tantes have been looking gloomy lately, but when it is to come, I know not. Heavens, with the best of intentions, how hard it is to please everybody! But if I only manage to keep a clear conscience, I suppose I shall be able to fight this battle of Life.
Lulu tells me she thinks Helene is méchante [miserable]—I find her almost too simple to be naughty, but as I believe her hypocritical, it is hard to judge. At all events, I shall try not to make it a business of finding fault in others and sadly neglecting to notice my own.
Edgar came over with Adeline to read his part with Tante Gretchen. I have been trying all evening to write a composition on "my favorite book" but I have come to the conclusion that I have none. I have never met with my ideal in a book yet and I begin to realize now how difficult to please I am growing to be.
Two German ladies came to make inquiries about the school and leave a young girl who desired to practise 4 hours a day but Tante Clio said that would be impossible. Tante G. brought the ladies in Lulu’s & Margo’s room to see the bed rooms, and we four girls (the Quartett) were in there in the greatest state of disorder. Lulu had her hands full of soap—and I was reposing inelegantly on the bed, in my wrapper.
We have laughed a great deal all morning—I think it was because Tante Gretchen was out and therefore no damper presented itself to our spirits. Helene has received a box of pears, nuts & apples from the country. I shall be charming to her, until the box is empty. This is vulgar, I know, but I am but a school-girl.
At 7 P.M. the gentlemen & Edgar arrived for the last and general rehearsal, and v. Kotze with them. Mamie was in costume as well as Puttkamer and Margo & Lulu had their hats on. I had my peacock-blue dress and muslin apron. v. Röder asked me again where my hair was (as I had it high on my head) and declared I was a thousand times prettier with it in curls on my back. Our piece went rather well but in the last scene, as Röder throws the books around and we have to dodge them at every moment, I could not control my laughter. One book scraped my nose, for which Röder begged my pardon afterwards. The French piece was next, played with almost less success than ours, I think. Kotze & Röder laughed as Lulu made her appearance in Mama’s pretty Parisian hat. They are delightfully ignorant of Paris fashions and found the hat more likely to be admired as an object of curiosity.
During the pause between the two pieces, we had talked & given conundrums [riddles] in the salon. I tried to make Röder draw a pig with his eyes shut and he declined, being afraid of being laughed at! He then showed me the eternal j’aime, "j’aime en silence" [I love, "I love in silence"] which I of course guessed ~ also "Amor ist ein kleinen Tenfel" ["Love is a little devil"] which I failed to guess but admired very much. [Pasted to the page, a pen & ink sketch of an ear with what appears to be a pierced earring in the figure of a little devil, with the caption: Amor ist ein kleinen Tenfel.] By the way, the original was taken by Lulu and now adorns a page in her journal with this excellent & true inscription: "A little black devil made by a big blond devil"!
v. Puttkamer was killing in black swallowtails & officer’s pantaloons. What a good honest fellow he is, but how uninteresting! Perhaps on account of those two qualities, as Lulu says a man is never captivating unless he has something of the devil in him. Well, I fancy Röder has enough! v. Brandt is charming—I like him better each time—but Heinrichs! Oh, Heinrichs! He is certainly an adept in the art of captivating. For me, he is devoid of all charms.
While the others were playing, I had drawn my chair back behind the stove to prevent the light from being in my eyes and as Röder wished to place himself beside me and carry on a conversation, Tante Gretchen took him away with her into the next room and kept him there. Decidedly she must be jealous of her little blond witty favorite, for she does not remove her eyes from us, when he happens to be talking to me. Margo is very clever—she had remarked this several times before, but I had always been blind to it. It is embarrassing enough, Heaven knows, to have Röder’s cunning brown eyes rest upon me most of the time, without the additional misery of feeling Tante G’s curious pair, incessantly turned in my direction.
Herr v. Kotze was quiet this evening and seemed quite another man. Mamie agrees with me in thinking him like Sacha in figure.
The evening passed very pleasantly. Tante Clio, Tante Gretchen and I had our usual little confab after the departure of the gentlemen. Before going to sleep, I had a long talk with Helene about her plans for the future and tried to help her with my advice. I told her that young girls who take positions as governess are better treated in Russia than in England and I should never recommend the latter. What could a simple little German girl do among those cold heartless English? She seemed surprised to hear me talk so seriously and give sensible advice on a subject so far from being familiar to me. Poor Helene, God grant that roses may still find their way to your solitary path in Life. O, my Father, how unthankful I am for all your goodness and cares for me, so spoiled, so surrounded by all that can make Life easy and beautiful. "How manifold are thy ways, oh, my God!"
Thursday, 13 Nov. 79.
Theatricals.
We all helped Tante Gretchen this morning in turning her’s & Mamie’s bed-room into a dining-room for we shall sup there tonight. Also arranged the school-room for the gentlemen’s dressing room and carried in soap, towels, wash basins and other necessaries(!)
After my lesson with Shaefferchen, Adeline came and put my hair up in curl-papers. I had had a thousand things to do which kept me occupied and did not snatch a moment of rest until just before we all drank coffee in the kitchen en negligee [in dressing gowns]. This part of the day’s performance is always the most amusing and our dear Tantes are just as jolly and full of fun as their pupils. Tante Gretchen brushed our teeth after this ceremony—likewise in the kitchen and we began our toilettes—but as there was such an eternal coming & going in our room, and as every article of dress had betaken itself to the most remote corners of the room, my attiring did not proceed very rapidly and to cap the climax and my discontent and nervousness, Adeline came late to coif me.
Adorned in my pink linen with muslin apron & black velvet & long curls caught at my neck with a comb and flowing down my back, I made my tardy appearance behind the scenes and found all the actors already assembled. Tante G. seized upon me and with the aid of rouge, brought my cheeks & chin to a flaming red and drew a circle of black under my eyes. When Röder made his appearance I nearly shouted with laughter. His costume consisted in white loose pantaloons, woolen stockings, half-shoes, a blue shirt & black leather apron & rusty velvet morning cap. The coiffeur had made him a bald head, a beard (where had his glorious blond moustache disappeared to?) and a red nose. He was a success as far as ugliness was concerned and looked so rakish & dirty that I could not look at him in the face soberly.
The French piece went off first and with wonderful success, notwithstanding that Puttkamer stuck once in his part.
Les Femmes qui Pleurent (Women Who Cry)
en 1 acte par Giraudiu Personnages
Albert de Rieux…...…Heinrichs
M. Chambly……..…..……Brandt
Jean (garçon)…...…. Puttkamer
Mme. de Rieux…...………Mamie
Mme. De Chambly….………Lulu
The piece met with much applause and the actors passed down by the kitchen and through the yard, to the garden, to witness our performance. During the French play, Röder and I sat on a basket trunk in the hall. I begged him to be less gentle in his rôle, where I fall at his feet and seize his hand, and to shake me off with fury. He promised to do so but declared it very much "contre coeur" [against his heart]. He also inquired if my curls would drop off when pulled, whereupon I assured him my hair was all my own. I fear the tête à tête [one-on-one conversation] would have commenced to be a little embarrassing if we had not been called to go on the stage. Under the circumstances, the excitement of the moment, the rouge, the fatherly relations existing between us, seated so close together in a but half lighted hall, it would not have been so astonishing, therefore I was glad to break the spell.
Das Schwert des Damocles (The Sword of Damocles)
in one act by v. Putlitz
Kleister……….………….……. Röder
Selma, his wife…….…….….Mamie
Philippine, his daughter...…..Ada
Fritz…………….…..……….…..Edgar
Carl Stahlfeder…..…v. Puttkamer
Our piece had a still greater success than the other and I can say, with truth, that we never acted so well before. I was much less nervous than I expected and succeeded in wearing such a woeful countenance. Mamie had her hair low on her forehead and powdered and wore a calico skirt and jacket of Adeline’s with a huge blue apron. She played to perfection as did Edgar, who had on long pantaloons, blue apron and was in shirt-sleeves.
The audience was in an uproar from the very beginning. Nobody stuck. Puttkamer was dressed in solemn black and wore a stove-pipe [top hat].
After it was over I went to the parlor which was filled with people, most of whom I did not know, and rushed to Mama, who looked like a queen in red silk and satin. I spoke a few words to Shaeffer and to v. Verschner & v. Dassel, the two new officers. Röder took such a long time about changing his toilette that Mama had left when he came and I was so sorry not to have been able to present him. Everybody looked at Mama in mute admiration. I never saw her look better.
Everyone left after the theatricals were finished excepting the actors, v. Kotze, v. Haugwitz, Mr. & Mrs. Kretzschmer & Frl. v. Ditmar. I was the only actor who remained in costume. We had a very good supper and laughed and drank a good quantity of "bowle". I sat between v. Brandt & v. Puttkamer but kept up a lively conversation with the former. How easy it is to talk to him! Lulu, v. Röder & Marguerite were around our corner of the table and we were very jolly. Many healths were drunk. Brandt said the coiffeur had informed him that he would probably have a fine heavy moustache (like his cousin Röder’s) in fifteen years. Röder talked to Lulu and looked at me. Puttkamer found enough in his plate to occupy & interest him.
I managed, with the assistance of Brandt’s arm, to proceed to the parlor after 4 glasses of bowle but the room & the guests were swimming wildly around in my poor head. We commenced dancing immediately and this was, according to me, the best part of the whole evening. I danced often with Kotze, who seems to have recovered from the timidity he evinced towards me the first time we met. Brandt insisted upon my trying the Boston with him repeatedly and held me so tight that I could hardly breathe. Röder’s moustache was as troublesome as ever and made frequent darts into my eyes, which might have proved dangerous several times, had it not been for the tender care & protection of my cavalier. Röder engaged me for the only Lancers [a form of quadrille] and left off one glove to be able to squeeze my hand occasionally. He referred again to the familiar nod of the head I had promised him in dancing, but I remained unmoved. Kotze danced on my right with Mamie and thus found himself between two sisters, which signifies that the gentleman is engaged. He pronounced himself very happy at such a good sign but I told him I knew a gentleman, namely Röder, who on one occasion had found himself in the same position and had declared he considered the omen a misfortune for him. Röder overheard me and whispered meaningly, that it would be a great happiness to become engaged if one could do it with the person one wanted. Petica danced the Lancers with her husband and for the first time since her marriage. Oh, it was so delightful that I was heartbroken when the piano was closed and the gents looked around significantly for the swords & helmets. Lulu enjoyed it to the utmost and looked oh! so pretty. Röder & Brandt told me that I had been the talk of the whole town after the parade last June and that everyone had asked him who I was, as he had been seen speaking to us. Oh, if Sacha heard that when he was in Berlin! What an agreeable impression v. Kotze has left on me this evening! I wonder if it will last? Mamie looked better than I ever saw her and I received a sweet compliment for her. Her bed was in our room and she slept with us. At exactly 1 A.M., just as I was laying my weary limbs to rest, I think none of us could have wished for a pleasanter evening. Everyone found Heinrichs very handsome. His eyes were shining but I also noticed that they did not leave Petica’s face during the whole evening—and I saw (it can’t be imagination) that he was very nervous & preoccupied.
An envelope is pasted into the book on this page. "To be opened on my twenty-fifth birthday—Gratia Dei [God willing] Sealed this 13th Nov. 1879." Inside, also in Ada's hand, is a note: Ada, my dear girl, a few moments in private with you. You know the world too well to be ignorant of the fact that a certain young blond officer is in love with you—and also that there is not the least hopes for that certain little blond officer. Ada, my dear, are you sure that the slightest tinge of coquetry is not urging you to trifle with this infatuation by word or look? I do not believe you guilty so far, but I am afraid I see something very much like it rising and I wish to warn you before it is too late. On second thought, I am still more convinced that you are innocent of encouraging him. It would even be imprudent to act sterner towards him. But be firm my child, do not let the temptations of captivating him to a still greater degree be too great for you. When you are older you will ask yourself if your conduct was what it should have been. ~ Your better self.]
P.S. to the events of the day: Shaefferchen fell down in the wood & nearly backed out from coming but was restored by a brush and made his appearance. A short address enclosed to Mama with the programme of our theatricals.
A Few Words to the Public.
The obliging assistance of some of the principal actors of the day has been secured to do honour to the present occasion and the brilliant and world-renowned Parisian star M. Brandtier will make his first appearance in the great German metropolis as well as Signor Edgardo, the rising young Italian artist. The actresses are also worthy of mention in that they surpass Ristori and even the great Charlotte Cushman [one of the greatest actresses of her day—ironically, as mentioned previously, Mamie will marry Wayman Crow Cushman, the grandson of this same actress] in dramatic power and finesse. Frl. Pagnerette-chen will prove a favorite to the most fastidious public and we feel fully justified in assuring the charming Signora Cordesova of a hearty welcome. Her beauty and grace, as well as her wonderful art, have rung thundering applause from every European stage. Let us not forget to call attention to the Sempleamesoroff sisters, who have shortly quitted Russia on a starring tour. They both possess many brilliant qualities which fit them for the stage and we feel certain that the future holds much in store for them. We regret very much that we have neither space nor time to devote to the three remaining English actors, Messrs. Rodder, Pusthamman and Henry, who perform in French and German without betraying their British birth. Mr. Rodder is, we believe, no stranger to the Berlin theatre-goers, as he is the leading comedian of the day and makes frequent tours on the continent. Pusthamman’s talent for adapting himself to his rôles is really remarkable and Henry’s ability for adapting his rôles to himself is equally astonishing and praiseworthy. ~ A.S.A.
Friday, 14 Nov. 1879. All of us were naturally worn out this morning. I remained in bed until 12 M. Of course the conversation has been about last night and everybody has had his or her say. There is a general echoing of "did you see this? did you hear that?" until we are thoroughly sick of it all and retire from the field. Tante Gretchen told me that Petica said she was in love with me. This, I confess, was flattering. The disorder in our room is perfectly bewildering.
I was excused from my drawing lesson. Feel frightfully knocked up and ill. Mama came to see me and after talking with the Tantes, & hearing once more that we had acted and looked well last night, I captured Mama and carried her off in triumph to my room. I lay down and had a nice long chat with Mama and Edgar. Mr. & Mrs. Kretzschmer had paid Mama a visit this morning.
I was also excused from my singing lesson but went to the parlor after Lulu’s lesson and Shaefferchen sang to us. What a heavenly moment!
Lulu really does begin to be very fond of Röder. Should I be jealous and dispute my property? Lulu, Mamie and I have remained the whole evening in the school-room writing in our journals.
Saturday, 15 Nov. 79. When I woke up this morning I saw the ground covered with snow and was delighted. Tante Gretchen, being indisposed, is in bed.
I dreamed the whole night about rings—and there was one which I liked better than the rest but which I lost and replaced it by another. Helene told me it was a sign I would become engaged. How acid Lulu’s opinions of the world and of people in general are, for a girl of her age! I asked her last night to tell me what her first impressions of me were but she refused. I know, however, through Margo, that she had made up her mind to hate me—and found out afterwards she was more in danger of loving me. What a peculiar nature. I am thankful for the gift that has been given me of reading character easily, but it is alas often disagreeable to be able to see at the bottom of everything. It takes all the outwards shine away and leaves but the unpolished, bare reality.
Mrs. Laurence and Miss Laurence came at 4 P.M. to make a call and as Mama happened to be here, Mrs. L. was introduced to her.
Margo, Lulu, Tante Gretchen and I took a walk—called in at Doctor Grossmann’s on Margo’s account and while she & Tante G. were consulting the Doctor, Lulu and I were straining all our human faculties in wild attempts to be aimiable to the Doctor’s wife. Lulu & Margo afterwards returned home and Tante G. and I continued our walk. Talked about the ball Mrs. Laurence is to give this month.
It was dark as we came home. The air is icy and oh, so fresh and I feel as though the first cold breaths of winter are wafting me new strength—both physically and morally. How I love Winter.
Tonight Margo read my comedy "Argent oblige [Money Requires]" aloud and all found it very good. Lulu commenced to draw me with a night-cap Mama brought me today. I sat a half-hour for her and the picture begins to look like me.
Sunday, 16 Nov. 79. Hurrah! Everything is white this morning with a feathery snow and it is still falling heavily. Mamie & Margo went alone to church as Tante G. did not think it prudent to allow me to run the risk of getting wet feet.
How vividly this falling snow and clear blue air brings Petersburg before my mind’s eye—and how many recollections are connected with the dear broad Perspective, the rue St. Michel, the Hotel d’Europe, all lying coldly and quietly under a soft canopy of white flakes! Now I see the muffled coachmen with their red, jolly faces and long, squarely-cut hair—I hear the bells so distinctly. Is it not the blond-bearded, ceremonious hotel porter who now rises before my memory? He has a card—a letter for me. I go up the steps and enter the warm home-like room and throw off pelisse [cloak] and overshoes—and whose welcome foot-step falls on my expectant ear—whose manly voice causes my pulse to beat a trifle faster—whose warm honest hand presses my cold little fingers—Sacha, my friend, my counsellor, my all in all, is it not you? Oh, God, the dull pain that is gnawing at my heart when I think that a life-time must elapse before that voice greets again my ear—before that clasp meets mine again—for Thou, my Father, in whom everyone has a home—Thou hast promised that we may meet again in Thee. "Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven."
Mamie, Marguerite and I dined with Mama. After dinner Mama, Marguerite, Edgar and Adeline took a carriage and went to the Thiergarten. There they rolled in the snow and cut up generally. Mamie read and I practised an hour and a half. In the evening we played for Mama and danced a little.
Mama and Margo teazed me about having so little affection—they say I hate kissing and being kissed and that I am altogether a very frosty creature. If I am cold, what must it be to be passionate?
We came home after supper and the delightful biting air tempted us to take a short ramble on the Canal. As all had retired, Lulu and I had settled ourselves to a cozy little chat in the dark, on the parlour sofa, but of course Tante Clio did not leave us long in peace. She made a brief appearance in flannel skirt and chemise and sent us to bed.
Monday, 17 Nov. 79. Mamie says that Herr von Röder guesses before you tell him and Herr von Puttkamer does not guess even when you tell him. How clever Mamie is and what a quick judge of human nature!
Commenced a Fugue of Bach with Shaefferchen. Tante Gretchen, Mamie, Margo and I walked down the Kôniggratzerstr. and bought pfankuchen [pancakes]. Tonight commenced Werther’s Seiden, by Goethe, aloud. Lulu finished her portrait of me. Cut up at night.
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| Emperor William I |
Was furious with Helene because she is so touchy. I am persuaded she does not amount to much. I dislike her way of squeezing compliments out of everyone. Despite her pretended meekness and humility, she has more confidence in herself and her talents than all of us put together.
Wednesday, 19th Nov. 79. I had a squabble with Helene before going to bed last night about her peculiar conduct yesterday in the school-room. She informed me she thought us very impolite to make so much noise while she was singing. She cannot expect to fare better than any of us—we must always put up with any amount of noise in the school-room when we practise. She even went so far as to criticize our childish conduct!
Oh, Ada, my poor stupid Ada, how ready you always are to form quick & generous judgments. The barometer of my affections has been sinking at a rapid pace of late. I am disappointed in everybody. German women are in character little and malicious. They are clever as men are clever, but they have no womanly charms. They have not the courage to surmount a great sin, but they can stoop easily to commit little sins of jealousy and uncharitableness. I have never seen them pray. They neglect their religious duties to fulfill their household ones.
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| "The Spring of Life," by Lucas Cranach the Elder |
At 1 P.M. Lulu, Mamie and I went to the old Museum with Tante Clio. We went through the old picture galleries. Those of Franz Hals please me immensely! And my heart was taken by storm by the "Joseph’s Dream." The "Spring of Life" by Cranach is very amusing. How cold and delightful the air was. As we passed the Lindens we met reams of red-collared officers coming from the Kriegsacademie. They looked too grand in contrast to the white snow.
Heavens, what passed between us? I cannot possibly remember all they said, but they finished by persuading me that Lulu had had me in her dangerous clutches, that she was wicked and capable of everything, and that they had never witnessed such an ugly, independent spirit and such disobedience in their home before. That we had treated Helene abominably and that even poor Margo had been haughty to her. I told them quite frankly everything that had passed of late, how furious I had been with H. because after my making the first step and asking her to forget our squabble, she had not spoken to me for two days. I do not know whether it is experience that has taught the Tantes to be so clever—but nothing escapes them. Not even our innocent but perhaps unkind glances exchanged at table passed unnoticed. But I confessed that I had been wrong toward Helene in judging her so harshly and they in turn left me no room to believe in the existence of any good quality in Lulu. Poor girl, I am sadly afraid what they say is true but I had been thankful, had they left me in ignorance. We all three shed tears—they said our conduct had hurt them the more in that they loved & trusted Mamie & me so dearly & so fully. This I believe and, with God’s help, I will try to do my duty better in the future and regain some of the confidence I once had in them.
I kissed them both good night and before laying my weary cold bones to rest, I made it up also with Helene. But on my knees I begged my Father’s pardon for having nourished such hard, unjust thoughts against an innocent girl. How one can change in the space of one short day!
With what bitterness, I took up my pen this morning to put down things before which I must blush with shame now. I wanted to tear the pages out, but if my journal is to be the mirror of my soul, why should it not reflect the shadows as well as the lights. And therefore I will confess another thought which I know lies more in the shadows than in the light—I cannot recover the old trust I had in Tante Gretchen, I cannot love her! Something false and repulsive breathes out of every word she utters—I feel it—it is wrong—it is wicked—oh! my God, help me to conquer this—help me to conquer myself.
Thursday, 20 Nov. '79. During my lesson with Shaeffer this morning, as I left the room to call Mamie, what was my astonishment to find Lèvine, who had arrived at 6 A.M., in the dining-room. She seemed ever so glad to see me and is very gay. Has been fêted in France & Belgium by her friends and is in the best of spirits. She informed me she had as much right to "tu toie" [to speak in the personal ‘you’ of the French language] me as Marguerite, and we dropped the formal "vous" between us. She stuffed my mouth full of bonbons and as I returned to play 4 hands with Mamie, I could with difficulty answer Shaefferchen, so full was my mouth. Lévine and I went then to Mama who was not up when L. arrived, and dined there.
After dinner, Mama and I taught Lévine the American waltz and she is delighted. She does not dance it as well as Margo, however. Lévine came back with me to 73 and Mamie, Margo and I brought our dresses down from the attic for Wednesday evening.
Poor v. Kotze was the first gent to arrive tonight for the English evening and looked and felt very much like a condemned victim when he found himself alone with us seven maidens young & old. Finally v. Brandt & Heinrichs made their appearances and a smile of relief lighted Kotze’s countenance. At 9 Mama & Lévine came and we (9) females were then portioned out among our three cavaliers. Heinrichs gave me his photo. v. Brandt is nicer each time—he drew a wonderfully good picture of Röder as Kleister. I talked more with Kotze tonight than I ever did before and find him very clever, but notwithstanding, I had a stupid time. v. Röder, my tender & devoted cavalier, was not there.
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