Saturday, 1 November 1879. I felt awfully nervous all morning—almost on the verge of tears, and I cannot imagine why. I think it came partly from discouragement in singing. My voice is so weak and yet I feel that I could sing almost divinely if I had more voice. Herr Shaeffer once told me I would probably have a great deal of voice at 30—but then I shall not need it as I do now. At 30 I shall most likely be a fat little housewife with several dozen little children around me. Surely all sentiment will be gone by that time and I shall no longer feel the necessity of giving vent to my feelings in song.
Today I went shopping with Mama and Mamie and bought me a lovely black velvet hat at Wietge’s, Jügerstrasse. We rented a piano for Mama which is to come Monday.
Sunday, 2 Nov. '79. Raining. Mamie, Marguerite and I went to church. I wore my new hat for first time. Mamie and I dined with Mama. Came back here to coffee at 4 P.M. and brought Edgar.
At 7 P.M., Herr von Röder came to rehearsal of our German piece, Schwert des Damocles. v. Röder acts so wonderfully well that it was all I could do to keep from laughing aloud. Repeated our piece twice. The others looked on and held their sides from merriment.
v. R. staid to supper. We talked about married life and his opinions are so original and alas! so egoistic that it is worth while putting them down. He thinks a wife altogether superfluous and says that when a man comes home in the evening after a day of hard study, he likes to be left alone to rest, but that the wife is very apt to force her unwelcome society upon her husband or beg him to accompany her out, to theatre, concerts, etc.—and therefore she is a nuisance and an unmarried man is happier in his single blessedness. How narrow! How unjust! Oh Herr v. Röder, it would do my heart good to see you once so far gone, so much in love, that you would pine after your wife’s society. And then she should have tact enough to act strictly after your first opinions, and inflict you only too little with her presence! We would see then how the tables often turn! Perhaps he only says all this to frighten us young girls—or perhaps even to appear interesting to us. Oh, my friend, you must adopt other means of captivation in that case!
After supper I was asked to play and did so—"Nocturne" by Chopin, Gluck’s "Genug" and "Heimlishe Liche." The last succeeded, incidentally, the best in producing an expression of contentment on the countenance of our friend v. Röder.
v. R. finally made his adieux and thinking him gone, I struck up a waltz on the piano and the others commenced dancing—with which our friend Herr v. R. sprang in the room, seized some one by the waist and commenced waltzing with such evident enjoyment. Our surprise was great—it seems he could not resist the sounds of a Strauss waltz. We danced about a half hour and afterwards played a game. Then danced again and finally v. R. made his adieux once more and we went to bed, tired and heated from dancing.
Monday, 3 November. Lulu took her first lesson in the drawing model class and came home delighted. In the evening we danced among ourselves a little.
Tuesday, 4th Nov. Mamie and I took our first painting lesson at Frl. Lubedan’s. Schultzen, Mamie and I paint in one room alone and are delighted with this arrangement. In the evening Tante Clio, Lulu and I went to hear Panlus by Mendelsohn in the Garnison Church—grand! Very cold.
Wednesday, 5 Nov. Staid in bed late this morning, being so worn out with fatigue, and ate breakfast in bed. At 12 M., we all took a walk with Tante Gretchen and were caught in the rain. In coming home, they left me at Mama’s and I remained until 5 P.M. Tried on my costume as Phillipine and found it charming.
In the evening, Tante Gretchen and I went to the theatre to see Goethe’s Egmont with music from Beethoven. I was the most of the time moved to tears and therefore it was exceedingly disagreeable to have one gentleman, who sat in a box next to us, stare so continually at me. Tante Gretchen did not notice it (thank fortune that sometimes something escapes her!) and told me afterwards the gentlemen were so polite and bien élevès [well mannered] that they had not stared at us at all. But for once she was mistaken.
I looked at the place (No.1 in box opposite to the Emperor’s) where Sacha had once sat on that most memorable evening and longed to be able to lean my silly head against the cushions where his had once reposed.
Thursday, 6th Nov. Tante Gretchen came to me while I was practising this morning and told me a long conversation Tante Clio had with Frau Shaeffer last night about the von Wagner society—Herr Shaeffer wanted to get up and have us all join. It appears Tante Clio did not seem quite enthusiastic enough on the subject and the little Frau went away quite broken-hearted. Tante G. asked me if I would care to join and pay 5 thalers a year. I said I would gladly give the money but did not care to do so public a thing as join—especially as Wagner’s music is considered very immoral & not suitable for young girls, and then, I shall not be here next year. [Wagner, the revolutionary operatic composer, took opera from the classical traditions of the Italians to the fully realized depth and breadth of German romanticism. His music has been described as "music … designed to intoxicate and overwhelm the listener." His life, full of unconventional behavior as well, was considered quite shocking in Victorian times.]
After my music lesson with Shaefferchen this morning, both Tantes had a consultation with him and probably arranged every thing satisfactorily (or tried to). Played the Faust Overture by Wagner at 4 hands [for two performers] with Shaefferchen and was wild over it. Oh, how divine music is! It affects me more deeply than I could ever tell or anyone ever guess. I am sometimes afraid for very joy & ecstasy.
Herrn. v. Brandt, v. Puttkamer, Heinrichs, and to my astonishment, v. Röder came to rehearse the "Femmes qui Pleurent" at 8 P.M. The unfortunate actors did not know their parts any better than the last time and played much worse—that is with the exception of v. Brandt & v. Puttkamer who did themselves honour. Lulu was unwell and nervous and the cross unkind looks & remarks of Tante Gretchen did not tend to put her more at her ease. Heinrichs was preoccupied with an affair about a broken engagement of a friend and played badly. He did not squeeze Margo any the less however.
Röder sat next to me as spectator with his eye glasses on. He reminds me so much of Sacha with his glasses—perhaps in other things also. I wonder if such a sympathy will spring up between us as between Sacha and me! No, never! At least not on my side. How little and insignificant all men seem when I compare them to Sacha! I believe firmly no one can ever again be to me all that he has been—that is, in so many different ways.
We also rehearsed the last scene of our German piece, which went better than the French one. Röder plays wonderfully! It appeared to me that Heinrichs did not remove his eyes from Mamie as Frau Kleister. The truth is she does very well and I can understand that she should be interesting to a man like Heinrichs. As we drank tea, Brandt told us some funny stories about his first attempts at dancing as a young cadet and we laughed heartily more at his humoristic, dry way of telling it than the story itself. The French piece was then rehearsed once more, and, this time with more success. Puttkamer had to leave before the others. As Röder was saying goodnight, he asked me if we would dance next Sunday at the next rehearsal, as we did last time. I advised him to follow the same line of conduct and await the results.
[An envelope is pasted to the page, containing two notes, in different hands. One, signed v. Röder, Berlin, 5.10.79, is a fragment, in a beautiful hand. Translated, "I hasten to tell you that I am most delighted to take part in your Wednesday evenings, if you will accept me as an old friend of the family." The second, is difficult to read. A scketchy best effort: "Little Baby, Re-entering the school room, I found your journal on the table, naughty little baby, what disorder, what imprudence, …!!!! I have also found this letter of mine, eh, in fragments, alas! But …. for inviting me into the room. Farewell, I…."]
Friday, 7 Nov. '79. O! Heavens! Tante Gretchen has just had a long talk with me about Marguerite! She and Tante Clio are not at all pleased with the fulfillment of her duties. They say she does not speak at all at table and never even replies excepting in monosyllables. And they think this is but a poor return for all their goodness. They have certainly been good to her but I confess it has lost some of its charm for me, since they proclaim it so from the housetops. Tante Gretchen has begged me to speak to Marguerite and use my influence with her in making her fulfill her duties more conscientiously. She does not wish Margo to know it came from her and fears if she spoke herself, she would be too harsh and hurt her feelings. It is a rather disagreeable business for me but I should rather speak with Margo than have her hear it from their lips.
After dinner we rehearsed a little and just before going to bed Mamie, Margo, Lulu and I went upstairs to the W.C (or Tante Meyer’s as we call it) all together and Tante Clio came up after us and stuck her wash in the door. We laughed so! It must have been a charming group to sketch. Helene stuffs me with apples that her sister brought from the country.
Saturday, 8 Nov. '79. I spoke to Marguerite this morning in an offhand way and told her to try to be more talkative at table.
Mamie and I had a lesson with Shaefferchen at his house from 12 to 1 P.M. and played Beethoven at 4 hands. Lulu, Margo, Tante Gretchen and I went to the Thiergarten and had a delightful roam. Afterwards went to Meyer’s for Tante to try on her dress.
Lulu and I left them there and walked a little further down the Leipzigenstrasse to the International Buchhandlung [Bookstore] to buy "La Pondres aux Zeux." I ordered "Toodles" and "Le Piano de Berthe" to be sent to me. As I spelled the name Toodles to the man in the shop Lulu laughed so that she had to turn her back and I hid a giggle in my muff.
Came back to Meyer’s and found Tante Gretchen still waiting to have her dress tried on. Finally we came home and I stopped in at Mama’s but met Mama, Edgar and Mamie just starting for a short walk and accompanied them.
Had company to dinner—two old-maid friends of Tante Clio’s. After dinner, the four elderly maidens (I do not mean to be disrespectful) sat around the stove in the parlor and we young daughters performed our eternal "show pieces" on the piano. Margo’s unfortunate bracelet rattled all during her piece and disturbed Tante Gretchen’s sweet peace of mind.
We had a dance after one of the ladies left and Frl. Franz played for us. But we got a hot scolding, or rather in softer terms, reproachful looks and remarks from the two Aunts afterwards for having danced with our dirty boots on. Edgar came with Adeline at 7.30 P.M. and we rehearsed a little.
How angry Lulu often makes me—at least disappointed. She has such a grand character and she is still a very rough diamond. She at least often takes the trouble to say rude things to me, and I know by that that I am not an object of indifference. How many times in the day she reminds me of Flora and she loved me! Why should not Lulu? I believe the Tantes are beginning to be jealous of our journals! But, never fear, dear old black bound friend, I shall not easily forsake you.
Sunday, 9 Nov. Raw and damp this morning. Lulu was scolded by Tante Clio for coming late to breakfast. Mamie blown up [roundly scolded] for having been disagreeable! Heavens! What a far stretched exaggeration. Nothing was said to me. Mamie, Tante Clio and I went to the English Church. Mamie, Margo and I dined with Mama.
After dinner, Mama, Mamie and Edgar went to the Thiergarten and left Margo & me alone. After a little expansion on both parts, which consisted in hugging & kissing each other, we called in Adeline and danced a little. Margo left at 4 P.M. for the rehearsal of the French piece at No. 73. We remained until 6 P.M. and Adeline curled my hair, which I wore down my back. Edgar came with us.
Found them drinking coffee in No. 73, v. Brandt & v. Puttkamer being still there and who remained. v. Röder came at 6 P.M. His first remark for me was "What have you done with your hair," but I forgave the impertinence of the speech as it was accompanied by a look of admiration at my flowing blond curls. We rehearsed our pieces twice through. The second time, Tante Gretchen told Röder he must let me take his hand, when I fall at his feet, whereupon the little rascal came over to me and said, "Oh, you want to be tender with me, do you?" I felt like giving him a hearty smack but instead replied very seriously, "Yes." His little round eyes opened a suspicion wider.
We all ate supper and afterwards played tricks and danced, as I had begged the Tantes to allow us to. Brandt dances very well and somewhat like an American. The others complain that he holds you too tight, but I did not find that so objectionable. Röder’s moustache brushes against my cheek each time I dance a round dance with him and my chin bumps against his epaulette. He informed me that he could avoid it by turning his head but he was afraid that people might think he was trying to look into my eyes.
I danced a quadrille [a square dance of French origin, consisting of four couples] with him afterwards and was troubled by neither moustache nor epaulette and he found the bows I made him too distant and begged me to nod my head simply in a more confidential and familiar manner (he meant tender, but refrained from saying so). Röder dear, what a sad flirt you are, and how well you understand the art. But I hope I am still one too many for you.
Puttkamer made two tours and discovered he had a lame foot—he had to content himself with seeing us dance. I tried the Boston [a crude but lively offshoot of the Viennese waltz, now known as the American waltz] with Brandt—Röder looked at us disapprovingly. We afterwards made a great many pretty tricks. Brandt cut two butterflies out of tissue paper and bound them together with a hair—then kept them flying by fanning them from underneath and the effect was really charming. Röder posed a feather (peacock) on his nose and balanced it then, running around the room and several times on all fours like a child. The man is too amusing. Tante Clio bound his & my hands together and told us to make ourselves free—but notwithstanding our mutual efforts, we were unable to guess the manner of doing it and had to have our hands loosened. We altogether had a real jolly evening—even Lulu declared it was too heavenly to last any longer.
Monday, 10 Nov. Herr Shaeffer told me this morning I had a very great talent for the piano and regretted I was not strong enough to practice 6 hours a day—that much would do wonders, he said. If he knew how proud he makes me to hear praise from his lips! I only know that music is a necessity to me—is to me more than half my life.
Tante Gretchen, Mamie, Marguerite and I took a short walk—invited Dr. & Frau Grossman to our theatrical and Mamie & Margo went up to see Mama an instant. I was suddenly taken with such pains that I was obliged to come home with Margo.
Today as Helene and I were lying down in our room we heard heavy footsteps in the corridor then a man’s voice talking about "English lessons" with Tante Gretchen—Helene swore it was an officer—and I said "unter [junior] officer"—because he spoke so loud. As we heard him going, we both sprang up from our beds and rushed out into the corridor to peep through the windows. A tall, blond, English-looking figure met our view, but we learned afterwards, it was an officer friend of Röder’s who will take English lessons with Tante Gretchen. We were very glad—I am of the private opinion that Providence sent him as we were in despair about finding another gentleman to dance after the theatrical.
I am in wild hopes that my indisposition [menstrual period] will not postpone itself until the evening before our comedy. Tonight Tante G. gave me a hot foot bath to hasten its arrival if possible.
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