All this little episode: December 15-19, 1879

Monday, 15 Dec. 79. I had a very wonderful & vivid dream last night.

A dream!

It was that we had formed a chain on the ice and Chambly, who was placed next to Lulu, suddenly turned and passed his hand caressingly over her eyes, with the words, "Little Child." She kept her eyes closed an instant, as if wishing to retain the touch of his hand and then opened them with such a look of tenderness & gentleness at him as though inspiration had lent a soft lustre to her brown orbs. I was the only witness of this silent scene and a jealous pain shot through my heart, as I turned and said to Chambly, my lips curled with disdain, "Her eyes are difficult to draw."

The whole dream is a vivid picture before my mind’s eye, even now. It puzzles me—it seems almost as though a little curtain had been lifted, and a world shown me where Lulu, Chambly and I were the principal and only actors. I hope the peculiar impression it has left on me will pass as soon as I see Lulu & Chambly together again in real life. I have told it to Lulu and to Marguerite and strange to say, it has appeared to none of us in a ridiculous light. We are at a loss to account for it, but who would account for dreams?

I remained in bed this morning and Tante Gretchen brought me my breakfast. Was excused from my music-lesson. The sun is shining brightly but it is (thank Fortune) very cold. v. Verschuer sent his bursch [man servant] to know if we would go skating tomorrow. How sweet of him. Tante Gretchen and Lulu say they know whom he schwerms for and I know they think I am the object of his boyish affections. This touches me very little.

Tante Gretchen, Frl. v. Ditmar, Mamie, Lulu and Marguerite went to the opera tonight to hear Tannhäusser. Tante Clio and I spent the evening alone in the parlor—she reading and I writing. I retired early feeling weak and tired. I wish I were not nervous—it is so frightful to be nervous! Goodnight, my dear journal, I must rest.

Tuesday, 16 Dec. 79.  A new scholar nearly set me wild this morning at the painting lesson by asking all kinds of questions in every shape and form. We think seriously of having our lives printed and sent to her. I was unable to sing today and Mamie took the lesson in my place. What a comfort it is to have someone love you as Marguerite loves me. We are so jolly and so happy together. I retired from the stress early tonight. I breathe so freely when I am alone.

Wednesday, 17th Dec. 79. My breakfast was brought to me in bed, and shortly after Tante Gretchen came in and asked me if Mama would permit me to go to a concert & dance this evening, tickets having been brought us by Verschuer. I was anxious to go and hope Mama will allow. Dressed and went to Mama’s where I spent the morning. Mama has given her permission for this evening. Tante G., Mamie, Lulu & Marguerite went to the ice this afternoon. I wonder if anyone will miss me? I envy Lulu the pleasure of skating with Brandt if he is there. The day is heavenly. How happy one could be if—if one could be happy!

Officers’ Concert.

This evening at 7.30, Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Helene and I went to a concert in the Leipzigerstrasse arranged by officers, to which Verschuer kindly given us tickets. We went with the intention of dancing and therefore put flowers in our hair and tried to look our prettiest. At the door of the ladies’ & gentlemen’s dressing room, we found our dear old faithful Verschuer in the last agonies of waiting. We were late and the concert had begun. After winding up a dark mysterious looking stair, we reached a row of boxes which looked down on the concert hall, and in one of which we arranged ourselves as gracefully as circumstances would permit, as we did not doubt for an instant that all eyes would soon be leveled on our row of fresh young faces. Verschuer stood behind us like an obedient little boy.

I soon perceived the blond Bode standing with some other officers and looking decidedly more interesting than any of them. Two ladies, one in blue and one in pink, sang very beautifully and one ashly blond officer, with the aid of violent contortions, succeeded in producing a miniature voice and making himself generally ridiculous. How I hate men who seem ever-lastingly conscious of the gazes of others lowered upon them!

 

Our friend Verschuer left us to sing in the chorus of the "Erlkönig tochter" by Gade. I was asked to distinguish his bushy head among all the others. After the singing was over, Verschuer came for us and we descended the narrow stair to the salle, [hall] where the singers were being congratulated and young German damsels were making distressingly low curtseys to placid-looking old ladies. Verschuer immediately brought up a friend, Herr. v. Axen, and introduced him. Eager for a man, we each favored with our sweetest smiles and most bewitching glances and the unexpected result was that v. Axen attached himself to us for the rest of the evening and proved the most attentive of the attentive (who were not numerous). Perhaps Verschuer had bribed him to devote himself to us. We finally found places at a table, v. Verschuer, v. Axen and me, and drank bouillon and white wine. Tante Gretchen ordered chicken fricassée which never made its appearance.

 

After supper, the tables were removed and we went upstairs in one of the boxes to cool off and await the dancing. The cooling off was an illusion, however, and we wiped the perspiration from our brows with gentle oaths against the man who had built the hall, regardless of any means of ventilation. Tante Gretchen and Helene, being both blau [blue], subsided into silence and we all rested in profound contemplation of the scene of disorder going on below.

 

An elderly lady in black was conducted to the piano and the first strains of a Strauss waltz soon brought us to our feet. I took Verschuer’s arm and we danced off in perfect harmony for a few short moments, for I retired from the field of battle, my long train having been the means of bringing a lady and her cavalier violently to the ground, where they lay in a heap and gazed at the author of their mishap, who was smiling complacently down at them and begging their pardon with an unmistakable look of mirth about lips and eyes. Before the end of the evening, my train succeeded in carrying off an officer’s spur, of which Bode was the owner. The dancing was more a torture than a pleasure as the room was small and crowded and I continued upsetting people with the utmost nonchalance.

One lady in blue and white, with hips enough for three, attracted the attention of everyone by her free and unbecoming manners. I told Verschuer I thought she must be a married woman, whereupon he replied that, in that case, her husband had certainly not finished her education. Bode came up to me after the first waltz and excused himself for not having danced with me, with these words: "You see, I am so attached to the young lady in white that I cannot get away." He meant simply that he felt it his duty not to detach himself from her. After trying a polka with him, I was very glad that he was irrevocably "attached" to someone else and pitied the girl in white from the bottom of my heart.

If Verschuer ever proved fascinating, he certainly did tonight. He was so delightfully melancholy. I am afraid he is not well. I should like to be his sister—my trust in him is unbounded.

Although the carriage had been ordered at 11, we did not get away until 1.30 A.M. The gentlemen accompanied us to the door and bade us goodnight. Verschuer has commenced to interest me—I fear, I fear, I shall dream of him!

Thursday, 18 Dec. 79. 

Skating (7.).

Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Marguerite and I went to the ice (Kausseau Insel) at 2 P.M. As I was skating with Hambruch (who bores me a little now), I saw v. Brandt dash by on skates with his overcoat on. I confess I was glad, but afterwards repented of my joy. Brandt avoided me as carefully as he did the last time, thereby bringing me to the conclusion that I am either the object of his hatred or his love—but not of his indifference. Bode was on the ice as was v. Axen—both very much interested in their respective ladies. v. Puttkamer was the same as ever—and therefore as uninteresting. As v. Neubraun and I were skating together, we ran into another couple and all four of us fell with a crash. v. Neubraun is frightfully clumsy. The ice was not very good. Verschuer did not come—I was sorry.

English Evening (3.)—Charades.

In the evening, Heinrichs, v. Puttkamer, v. Verschuer & v. Brandt came and we had charades and wax figures. Marguerite was Mrs. Farley, Helene, a prima donna, v. Brandt & Lulu, Blue Beard and his wife, v. Puttkamer & v. Verschuer, the two boys who carried the figures. Tantes Clio & Gretchen, Mamie & Heinrichs composed the audience and seemed well satisfied. Tante G, Helene, Verschuer and I then acted in a charade—"Parade." Helene & I put on officers’ coats and caps, and Heinrichs & Verschuer drilled us. The gentlemen told us we looked sweetly in their caps and I believe it—I caught a glimpse of Helene, and I should not care to see a prettier picture than she made. I think all were very much pleased at our impromptu theatricals and especially Verschuer; he acts well and will do himself honour if he plays in "To Oblige Benson." Lulu looked prettier than I ever saw her this evening and was so amiable with the gentlemen that I do not doubt but that she has made several conquests.

Friday, 19 Dec. 79.  Lulu and I took our singing lesson at Shaeffers’ this evening. As we came home, Margo met me at the door with the words, "Your mother has been here, and told me to give you this note when you were alone." I went in my room and lit the small end of the candle with a trembling hand. This is what I found! [An envelope is pasted to the page—inside is a letter, signed ‘Mama,’ plus a fragment of a letter with neither salutation nor signature. The letter from Ada’s mother is quoted in its entirety.]

                            My darling,

                             I enclose you a little slip containing some news that I know will surprise you. I am not sorry to hear it                             because perhaps you have reproached yourself that he was so unhappy. Now you can have nothing to                             feel for him and only wish him joy in his marriage—that he has forgotten you, my fair little flower, I                             do not believe, for I think he really loved you, but I am so thankful to think you are not Mrs. Sacha—                            that I wish them all the joy in the world.

How we shall laugh about all this little episode. You see, I understood his French very well when he said he had "courted all the girls."

 

Destroy this letter and make light of it all. It is a sort of a shock when one learns a man is not as faithful to one love as he swears he is, and therefore I write you this so you may read it alone. When you are older you will understand it better & know how to be prepared for it. You will have many such experiences. A man is such an egotist that he first chooses the purest girls & then takes what he can get.

                           Lovingly, Mama

[The legible portions of the second letter fragment read as follows:]

Find my letter got you … Sacha is going to be married! … a rich young girl of Provence … My Mary lost her countenance when she was told of it, last night … Such is the love of a man! Said Mary, to me, "of course"! It is the common history of the human heart and find consolation … It is Philosophy No. 2 … Perhaps it is better so, why should a man suffer all his life because his best love was not answered. We three are glad somebody else took him, he was not good enough for a most charming young lady we know, and I am sure you have the same feeling. Leonie will be astonished too to hear of it, send her this…

Illusions! Illusions! Is all illusion?? Oh, give me back the trust I once had in him! My head is so weary—I have thought so much. My idol has fallen from its high pedestal and is crushed—and although my heart wills it, my hands have not power to restore it.