Tuesday, 1st Jan. 1890.
New Year’s Day.
M. got in bed with me this morning. She had already been to wish a happy New Year to her aunt. We all received New Year’s cards from Stuttgart this morning. Thinking mine was from Victor, I was not a little glad and am not sure I did not commit the folly of pressing the handwriting to my lips. I hope I have still maidenly modesty enough to blush in writing this! (?) We found out at table that the cards were from v. Röder: he had had the prudence to send Tante Gretchen an envelope with his coat of arms, and she condescended to appease our curiosity after we had begged and begged in vain for about a quarter of an hour. Helene’s card arrived after ours, as it had been carried to a wrong address. What a fortunate coincidence that it was brought back to her.
After dinner, Mamie, Margo and I went over in the rain and wind to wish a happy New Year to Nini and Edgar, who are very comfortably situated in two front rooms at Frau Dr. Landmann’s. Edgar had received a telegram from Mama saying she had left her watch here. Nini was at a loss to know from whom her card was until we told her it was from his "yellow lordship," as Lulu expresses it.
We came home at 4.30 P.M. in time for coffee, and in the evening, Tante Clio and all of us, with the exception of Tante Gretchen, went to spend the evening with the Shaeffers. I forgot to say that Shaefferchen had called on us this morning and delivered the invitation.
Just before leaving, we were called into the dining-room where a great surprise was awaiting us. Verschuer, the indefatigable, had sent a bundle of New Year’s cards, one for each, with a cracked English inscription on the back. Our young friend seems to think of us, even far off in the bosom of his numerous family. I am afraid he has some weakness in the Nunnery. He must not betray himself. [An envelope with a coat of arms and the caption: New Year’s card from v. Verschuer is pasted to the page; the envelope is empty.]
Evening at Shaeffers’.
We arrived at Shaeffers’ at 6.30 P.M. and sat around a table and ate apples and nuts. Carlchen was as entertaining as ever. We listened to an aria from Figaro which Shaefferchen sang, and a song "Weisst du nach", from Gensen. After that we represented living pictures with the aid of a green carpet hung up on the folding doors as back ground. It took a great deal of planning and maneuvering on the part of Frau Shaeffer and ourselves to obtain the right effect of light and background. The first picture represented two men in a gondola, one of which (Lulu) held a guitar in his hand and sang to his lady love, peeping out a window far over their heads, a lace veil thrown over her blond curls, listening rapturously to her lover's voice. I was the lady love and stood behind the carpet balanced on a high ladder, with my head and hand alone visible, expecting everything to fall with a crash at each moment. The other gondolier (Marguerite) held a lantern and rudder, and was peacefully slumbering. The dear Shaefferchen played and sang the Song of the Gondoliers. The next picture was "Consolation in Music." Lulu was a sentimental youth, playing the violin and looking wildly and sadly down at a head pillowed in his lap (namely mine). The head was that of a young girl, sung to sleep by the sweet strains, leaning on the knee of the youthful Apollo in an attitude of inmost melancholy and languor. Mamie and I then represented the old German proverb "Glück und Glas wie bald bricht das [Luck and glass are soon broken]." We went to supper after this—it was very jolly and sociable. After supper we girls sang "Hebe deine Augen auf." We came home very late. Shaefferchen accompanied us. Frau Shaeffer begged us to stay later but Tante C. was firm.
Friday, 2nd Jan. 80. This afternoon received a telegram from Mama announcing her safe arrival in Paris. Tante Gretchen informed us at dinner that Marguerite would leave 73 tomorrow to remain with her Aunt. No one evinced any great surprise at this—I imagine everyone knew it before. Lulu and I had a singing lesson at Shaefferchen’s. We remained a quarter of an hour after our lesson to hear Frl. Löwenstein sing something from Lohengrin. In the evening Tante Clio read History of Arts and we girls painted and drew.
Saturday, 3rd Jan. 80. M. and I received notes from Nini this morning asking us to come to her to take part in a "conseil de famille" ["family council"]. Edgar came to fetch us and we three left together. It appears Frau von Berger desires to have Marguerite with her for two months or so in Schwedt for her and her husband to speak French. Tante Clio had recommended Margo, but Nini did not wish to accept without having my advice. I think it is decided that Margo will go.
Nini has a new photograph of Victor, which she received yesterday. It is very good—there is the old twinkle of the eyes and the sarcastic, bitter look about the mouth. How I longed to be alone to give way to my emotions. Is it emotion? I know only that I cannot hear his name without being deeply moved and that I would give a great deal to see him again—and, if he were there, I could not look into his eyes, with my old indifference. Nini and I were speaking of Schweizermühle today. I told her, I had so often felt myself 'de trop" ["one too many"] when I was with her and Victor—she said, "No, he loved your presence—perhaps a little too much." These are simple words but since I heard them, the day seems a little brighter. Edgar and Nini accompanied us home, where we found all at lunch.
Margo’s Removal.
Margo’s trunk is packed and it looks so dreary in her room. She left at 4 P.M. to remain with Nini and Edgar in the Königgrätzerstrasse. She will continue to give Lulu two French lessons a week and receive two German ones from Tante Gretchen.
We had delicious oranges for dinner today for the first time this year. This evening Tante Clio read to us from Jordan’s "Michelangelo." I refused an invitation that Mrs. White sent me to Miss Butler’s concert at her house tonight. Lulu and Tante Clio called on Mrs. White this afternoon.
Sunday, 4th Jan. 80. Mamie and Tante Gretchen went to church this morning. Nini, Edgar and Marguerite came and brought a letter from Mama. They only remained a short while. Helene and I painted all the morning in the school-room.
Sunday, 4th Jan. 80. Mamie and Tante Gretchen went to church this morning. Nini, Edgar and Marguerite came and brought a letter from Mama. They only remained a short while. Helene and I painted all the morning in the school-room.
I think it is freezing—the streets look very much like it. I wish it would turn cold again, sufficiently so to have ice.
Yesterday the Tantes heard that Gredel would not come to Berlin to visit them. They are so unhappy about it. If I thought that her absence would induce them to invite Wilhelm v. P. to our ball, I would be glad—how selfish. If I had any real affection for any of the Lemcke family, I would not say such a naughty thing.
I dread seeing Chambly again. I can no longer be unreserved with him. Received invitation from Krauses.
Monday, 5th Jan. 80.
Phantoms of the Night!
Had a music lesson with Shaefferchen this morning. Tante Gretchen, Mamie and I took a little walk before lunch and I went up to see Nini an instant, but all were out.
Visit of von Bergers.
Herr and Frau von Berger called. Mamie and I went in to see them. It made me quite blue to see the dear dragoon uniform once more.
Nini called in hurriedly this evening to tell me she had accepted Krauses’ invitation for me and for her, and to inform me that dancing would be in the programme! I am so glad—I don’t know why it is, but lately I have had such a longing to dance.
Later: My throat hurts me frightfully tonight and I have a decidedly disagreeable cold in the head—consequences of last night’s escapade at the window in light clothing.
Tuesday, 6th Jan. 80. Passed a wretched night—did not close my eyes until morning. Sent for the Doctor (Grossmann) who came at 11 A.M., and remained the whole day in bed. Tante Gretchen read "Doctor Marigold" of Dickens aloud to me. Nini, Edgar and Margo dropped in a moment towards dark.
Wednesday, 7th Jan. 80. Still in bed. Another visit from the Doctor. Got up and dressed in the afternoon and painted with the other girls in the school-room. In the evening Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Lulu went to the theatre to see the Seebachs in "Mother and John." I sewed in the parlour and Tante Clio read Pickwick Papers aloud to me.
Thursday, 8th Jan. 80. Am still in bed this morning. Did not take my music lesson with Shaefferchen. Doctor came again and oh! joy, advised me not to go in the salon this evening when the gentlemen come. Tante Gretchen was furious, and said it would not fatigue me, but the blessed old Doctor insisted and said, "Remain quietly in bed if you wish to dance Saturday evening." I was so triumphant and still Tante Gretchen affected such a surprised and offended look this evening at dinner, when I came in not dressed.
As Verschuer and Puttkamer were taking their English lesson, Helene whistled Fatinitza in the corridor. This brought Tante Gretchen and in less than no time, with the information that the whistling was distracting the gentlemen from their lesson. These poor youths!
English Evening (4.).
Nini, Margo and Edgar arrived at 7.30 P.M., and at 8 P.M., all members of the English evening were assembled, excepting Kotze who came at 9. I took a peep (on the sly) at Röder as he came in, from my room, of which the door was a little ajar. Chambly was also there, but I did have the inexpressible pleasure of catching a glimpse of his suspicion of a moustache. From my room I could hear the buzzing of the voices but it awoke no desire in me to join them until I heard them arranging charades—then, I confess, I regretted, a little, not having made my appearance. The girls told me afterwards that the evening had been very pleasant and not at all stiff. The gentlemen all sent me their compliments and wishes for the New Year, through Mamie—all except Chambly!
Friday, 9th Jan. 80. I have been letting my white cashmere dress out for tomorrow night. The Doctor made me another visit and I am taking another kind of medicine. This evening we all sat around the table making favors for the cotillion of our ball. This general working causes a great deal of merriment.
Saturday, 10th Jan. 80. I went shopping with Nini this morning. The Doctor came again and pronounced me "not sufficiently better." He does not like the idea of my dancing tonight. Margo is to accompany us to the Krauses’—she received an invitation yesterday. I lay down and slept a little towards evening, but it has not refreshed me.
Before the Ball—8 P.M.
I feel tired already and am in a sadly doubtful humor for dancing. I have scarcely energy enough to finish dressing and I look so white and exhausted. Ball at Krauses’.
I entered the dancing room on v. Voigts-Rhetz’s arm and we began waltzing. Some of the toilettes were exceedingly pretty but most of the wearers were plain. I soon perceived v. Troschke looking as bright (?!) as usual and v. Shenck, the blond, rather stout young officer who was so devoted to me at Krauses’ last ball. He led this evening and was not still an instant.
[Ada’s dance card is pasted into the diary, along with a paper and gold foil favor in the form of a slipper.]
The first contra danse, I danced with v. Gablens as vis-a-vis [literally "face to face," in this case "opposite partner"] and it was such a relief to look from my stupid partner to his handsome black eyes. v. Boddien is so charming and handsome. A sickly looking civilian, v. Axen, was there, whom I had met before, but if he expected to come to me for consolation, he was mistaken. I treated him abominably and he marched off with his nose in the air, leaving me to the tender attentions of v. Voights-Rhetz, but he still seemed to find comfort in my presence, for he came back to me before the ball was over.
Nini introduced me to the great rising General of the day, v. Verdy du Vernois [1832-1910, a master tactician who lectured at the Kriegsakademie and served as Minister of War, 1889-90]. He is fat and comfortable looking and oh! so jolly and witty. I heard afterwards that I had taken his old heart by storm. I was amiable for dear Victor’s sake. Nini and I want to intrigue to have Victor removed to Berlin and brought in the "Stab."
At supper, Nini, Marguerite and I, with v. Neubraun, v. Vadue and the gentleman who took Marguerite in, were seated at a small table in a room between the salons and dancing hall, before a large mirror. I felt very gay although I had not taken my usual supply of champagne, and an irresistible spirit of merriment soon pervaded among us all. General v. Verdy etc. did not forget us but came and touched glasses. My partner’s attentions, in an edible way, were all-absorbing but promiscuous—he brought me cold chicken with salmon sauce, preserves and green peas. I have never seen Nini so animated.
v. Neubraun captured me for the Cotillion just as I was about sailing off to the exquisite strains of a Strauss waltz. The figures were various and pretty—v. Schenk leads as he dances & pays compliments (?!) with a vim. I got a great many bouquets and favors of every description, which I did not bring away with me.
L’espagnol (Count Valles) was there, but fortunately for himself and others, did not dance much. He informed Nini that he found I had improved very much this winter in appearance and amiability. On est là pour apprendre [one is there to learn], my dear friend. I hope if I meet you ten years hence I shall have the honour of finding still greater favor in your eyes.
Frau von Krause told me as we left that she hoped to see me at her next ball in February and I nodded a happy assent. I spent the night with Nini and slept on mattresses on the floor with Margo. It was three A.M. when we reached home.
Saturday, 17th Jan. 80.
Resumé.
We have been very busy this week preparing for our ball—making favors etc. The Doctor has been to see me nearly every day and I am still taking medicine. The weather is much colder—it has been freezing for the last few days and it is snowing heavily now. All prophesy ice.
Thursday, Nini, Margo and I made a party visit at Krauses and saw Herr v. K., Flora and the children. Friday, Lulu and I went down town alone and bought several things. In the afternoon, took a singing lesson together at Shaeffers’.
This morning everything is in confusion. Our room has been déménagée [rearranged] for a reception room and I am to sleep and dress in Lulu’s room, and Helene in the school-room. The Doctor came this morning and beheld me in curl-papers! At 5 P..M. we drank coffee in we drank coffee in the kitchen and at 8 P.M. we were all standing, dressed and smiling in the drawing-room.
Nunnery Ball!!
Tante Clio received in our room transformed into a reception room. The unfortunate Hambruch was among the first to make his appearance and looked so gawky in his black swallow tail and stovepipe! that I pitied the poor man from the bottom of my heart. He flourished the stove-pipe when he bowed. I only hope for his sake that no one else found it as ridiculous as I did.
The ladies present were nine in number, not counting the Tantes—Miss Lawrence, Miss Newbury, Miss Page, Frl. Mienaber, Marguerite, Lulu, Mamie, Helene and I. The gentlemen 11 in number—v. Röder, Brandt, v. Puttkamer, v. Verschuer, v. Kotze, Heinrichs, v. Haugwitz, Hambruch, v. Dassel, v. Stangen & v. König. What was my surprise to recognize in v. Stangen the handsome blond officer with whom I danced twice in a Cotillion tour the other evening at Krauses! I could scarcely believe it possible at first and thought I had come across someone who looked very much like my handsome young officer of Krauses, but when he came up and said he had already had the honour of seeing me, and Tante Gretchen’s eyes twinkled, then I knew that it was intended to be a surprise for me—how very funny! I had pictured my imaginary v. Stangen so different from the real one—how glad I was to have been mistaken. v. Brandt for the first time since ages came up and talked to me. We spoke of "Le Piano de Berthe."
As soon as all were assembled and tea had been handed around, the music struck up and the longed-for dancing began. What a treat it is to dance with v. Stangen and v. Verschuer! I felt so happy and am sure looked so, as we whirled around to the intoxicating sound of music and spurs!
My peace of mind took to itself wings, however, from the moment v. Dassel and I began to make each other’s acquaintance. I met him for the second time in my life and we quarreled the whole evening. v. Dassel is middle-sized and rather stout—he has sandy hair & moustache and a mouth with an expression of mockery indescribably disagreeable. I found him insignificant at first and never dreamed I would ever take the trouble to hate him as I do now. He commenced being aggravating by expressing all sorts of the most absurd & improbable opinions and views, and when I disagreed he made the matter worse by looking immensely amused. He says that gentlemen are handsomer than ladies and that he understood my character from the first moment he saw me.
I went through the torture of dancing the Cotillion with v. Dassel and we fought the whole time. He rather gave me to understand that Verschuer was in love with me and I with Brandt. At the last, his teazing and nonsense had got me into such a state of nervousness that it seemed to me as though he was a wicked spirit pursuing me. "Herr von Dassel," I said, finally, "we shall never be friends, but I propose a suspension of hostilities for this evening." I could have slung all the bouquets I held in my hand at his head as he affected an injured air.
But to turn to a pleasanter subject—Verschuer held a paper snow-ball over my head and scattered the flakes over my hair and dress and I punished him by dancing with him, and when he wanted to stop after making two tours of the room, I begged for another one. He did not dance much after this and looked tired and thoughtful. He is a dear man—I think I like him better than any other of our admirers—at the same time, so impulsive about him that it is simply adorable.
We ate supper before dancing the Cotillion. The Tantes had arranged our place at three tables—one large and two small ones. I knew before the ball that v. Stangen was destined to be my cavalier but I did not know then that my dazzlingly handsome cuirassalt [knight] and v. Stangen were one and the same person. Tante Clio presided at the larger table and smiled on the largest part of the company. Lulu, Margo and Tante Gretchen with Haugwitz, Röder and König occupied another table placed in the middle of the room, and Miss Lawrence and I beamed on Stangen and Brandt seated in a corner, where our eyes shone brighter than the vulgar gas. I should have been content, I am afraid, to look into the manly face on my left and listen to his melodious voice, but no such happiness was in store for me. The owner of the manly countenance was vile enough to introduce a goodly abundance of sausage and salad between those beautiful teeth and my illusions took flight to the rolling of Brandt’s r’s as he produced one of his stale French witticisms.
Heinrichs soon brought out a speech in which he thanked the Tantes in the name of all for their kindness in admitting them in the sanctuary of so much loveliness and at the proposal of their health, a thundering hip hip was raised and we nuns trolled obediently off to touch glasses with our worthy abbesses.
After supper we retired to the reception room to repose and cool off, but we did not remain long as the fat man at the piano, who had probably been refreshing himself for the last hour in the kitchen, struck up an irresistible polka with renewed force.
Sunday, 18th Jan 80. The first thing Lulu and I did this morning on awakening was, of course, to speak of the ball and at breakfast, this topic was the principal and, I might say, only one. Lulu is very enthusiastic about the ball and says she never enjoyed anything so much. Tante G., Mamie, Lulu and I took a little walk before dinner as the weather was so beautiful. Nini, Margo and Edgar came in an instant after dinner.
Shaeffers’ Sunday (2.)
At 4 P.M., Tantes Clio and Gretchen, Lulu, Mamie and I went to Shaeffers’ soirée musicale [musical evening]. Frl. Müller sang two lovely duets with Shaefferchen and Frl. M. afterwards sang a Volklied [folksong] about a young girl who loved one man and was given to another. She sang it so beautifully, with such dramatic force and finesse that it seemed as though I could not refrain from screaming or something equally out of the question. I was tired and nervous and most have looked pitiful enough, for Frau Shaeffer proposed my lying down in her room and applying eau de cologne to my head. As a general thing, music strengthens me, but tonight, as Shaeffer sang the Teuer Zauber from Wagner’s Walküre until it seemed as though the tones were pouring out from all the doors of Heaven, it proved almost too much for me and on coming home, I had an attack of hysterics in my room, all alone, just before going to bed. Frl. Gaerenstein was at Shaeffers’ and sang an aria from Bach’s Alceste.
Monday, 19th Jan. 80. The ground is covered with snow and it is very cold.
Skating (11.).
After lunch Tante Clio accompanied Lulu, Mamie and me to the Kausseau Insel to skate. We found Chambly immediately on entering and he scrambled around us until we got our skates on and went off with Mamie and Lulu, while I hung rather doubtful about my equilibrium on Tante Clio’s arm until Hambruch offered his services. Of course, v. Axen and Bode were both there with the same ladies. Bode bowed. I avoided bowing to Axen.
I had succeeded in getting under the bridge and was leaning for support against a tree, with both arms around it, when I heard someone wish me a good morning, and turning around, beheld my dear friend v. Dassel behind me. He inquired after my health since the ball and seemed surprised to find me skating. He had no skates on and trotted after me, talking all the time, until I quickened my pace at the risk of embracing Mother Earth—but as Dassel is no particular favorite of mine, I considered it a mere waste of time and breath to speak to him. He took leave of me then—he is by no means stupid although he is naughty. Rid of this one, I was compelled to smile on Hambruch, much to my disgust. He told me long stories that were very probably interesting and even witty. However, I did not take the trouble to listen but replied "yes" to everything as if I had swallowed it all and found it dry.
I am sure my whole face melted into one happy smile, however, as I saw Verschuer steering in our direction—I needed no one to tell me that he was looking for me. There are some things that people feel. There is something indescribably comfortable and consoling in the quiet way he takes possession of one. He is so gentle—almost like I imagine he might be with a child. I skated miserably, but my tongue was loosened and I chattered away like half a dozen parrots.
In a very short while Chambly came within a few feet of me, for the first time since I had buckled on my skates (décidément, il y a quelque chose—je voudrais savoir quoi! [decidedly, it is something—I would know what!]) to tell me that I was requested to come, as Tante Clio wished to depart. My skates were soon off and Verschuer stuck them in the bag after helping me on with my cloak. On reaching home, we drank hot jelly wine and answered Tante Gretchen’s numerous questions. In the evening, Tante Gretchen read us a Lerman comedy aloud.
Tuesday, 20th Jan. 80. I was again unable to sing today as I had pains in the chest. Nini came at 4 P.M. and Edgar and Margo, who had been skating an hour afterwards. They did not remain long.
Circus.
This evening, Tante Clio, Lulu, Mamie and I went to Keuz Circus. It had been arranged that the charming Heinrichs would accompany us and that Brandt would meet us there, but he was prevented from coming in the last moment and the weighty responsibility of four strong minded females was left to Brandt alone.
We arrived rather early and, not wishing to remain in the cold and wait for Brandt, we took a box for ourselves and requested the ticket man to look out for a solitary lieutenant and inform him that, if he was in search of four missing ladies (young and pretty of course) and his name was v. Brandt, a seat was reserved for him next to the box of the damsel quartett. Brandt received this information (obliging ticket man!) after he had stood and waited in the cold a quarter of an hour, and he soon marched up in his own true hasty manner, and took possession of the vacant seat. It happened to be next to me and I would have given worlds to change with somebody, as I think it prudent to have as little to do with him as possible—although I like his society immensely and find him entertaining. Tante Clio soon begged him to change places with Mamie and so all was satisfactorily arranged.
I will not attempt to describe my astonishment and emotion as I recognized in two blue dragoon uniforms, v. Armin and v. Reuss seated in a box not far from ours!! I did not wish to be seen by them, but could not resist taking sundry peeps to assure myself of their real presence in flesh and bones. It would not have been possible for me to mistake v. Armin’s eyes. Not long afterwards, Tante Clio whispered rather loudly to me not to turn my eyes in the direction of two blue uniforms on my left. She added, with an expression I shall never forget—"They are v. Armin and v. Reuss;" and I tried unsuccessfully to look surprised but only blushed crimson as I felt Brandt’s eyes on my face—why am I such a donkey?! It is my private opinion that v. Armin recognized Tante Clio and me. He looked decidedly uncomfortable as I caught a glimpse of his blond countenance once or twice—but Tante C. says he didn’t and only had eyes for the horses the whole evening. Fiddlesticks!
The "world-renowned Leonora Dare" performed in red tights and yellow satin corsage [blouse, bodice] with an immense red rosette planted on the side of her head. She prepared to hold a man with a hook placed between her teeth. The man flew through the air on a rope attached above and caught on the hook. The shock must have been frightful. At all events the man fell, fortunately in a net placed under him—and Leonora took a piece of her tooth which had broken from her mouth and threw it below. She wiped the blood away with her handkerchief, and, with a diabolical laugh, ordered the man to try it over again. He obeyed unwillingly and the second time it was a success.
The clowns were not very amusing, but I heard Chambly’s peculiar little giggle continually behind me. Lulu was very witty this evening—I think he admires her wit.
After the circus was over and we were waiting on the corner for Brandt to find us a cab, the blue dragoons passed by and I followed Armin’s long, slim figure with my eyes until the darkness swallowed it up. Chambly the Faithful procured us a carriage and deposited us therein.
Wednesday, 21st Jan. 80. Remained late in bed, and Tante G. brought me my breakfast. After lunch Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Lulu went skating to the Kausseau Insel and came home very late. Heinrichs, v. Verschuer, v. Brandt & v. Stangen were there and devoted. They seem to have had a delightful time. Lulu says Brandt wanted to know why I was not there and Verschuer was inconsolable.
Thursday, 22nd Jan. 80. I was obliged to take my music lesson from 9 to 10 this morning and Shaeffer had to wait for me as I was roused from my gentle slumber with the announcement that he was there.
Margo is commencing to schwërm slightly for both Kotze and Röder. They have both given proofs that they are not dupes of the Lemckes.
Poor little Edgar is not looking very well and this makes me a little uneasy.
A little American girl of four years or so—a little beauty—named Hattie came in and wanted to be played with today at Nini’s. I am afraid she took an objection to me because I squeezed her too much. How happy a mother must be! Nini, Edgar, Margo and Hattie brought me home.
A Glorious Plan! Highest Pitch of Ecstacy!
The other members of the Nunnery were not yet back but came soon afterwards. Lulu and Mamie came in looking like wild Indians and informed poor astonished me that everything had almost been arranged for a sleighing party Monday, in which we and the gentlemen would take part. They were deliriously enthusiastic over this plan and the mood was contagious. Let us hope now that it will not thaw. The girls have had a heavenly time on the ice—and declare Stangen to be the handsomest, the most graceful and the most gallant of men. I am quite inclined to be of their opinion—so far.
Friday, 23rd Jan. 80.
Friday, 23rd Jan. 80.
General Collapse!!
Tante Gretchen brought the barometer of our good humour down several degrees this morning by announcing the probable non fulfillment of our delightful plan, conceived yesterday. She says that Tante Clio will not accompany us, as it is too great a sacrifice for her on account of her nerves. How dreadfully aggravating! Lulu and I are about as unhappy as it is possible for two eighteen year old chickens to be.
Herr and Frau von Berger called on the Lemckes this morning. They have rented an apartment in Berlin not far from us, and expect to remain six or seven years. This afternoon Tante Gretchen, Lulu and I took a little walk in the neighborhood and wanted to go up and visit Berger’s new apartment but did not satisfy our curiosity, as the concierge told us the contract was being made at that moment.
This evening, we finished the "Nibelungen" by Jordan. Siegfried’s death was very touching.
Saturday, 24th Jan. 80. There will be no skating for us today, although it was appointed with the gentlemen, as Tante Gretchen is indisposed. The doctor came to see me and forbade my going out—and Lulu and I had just made our plans to skate in the Grossbeerenstr. Rink. Such is Life! But our disappointments have been coming so close together lately. For instance, one each month would be much more endurable than three in one week!
I have remained in nightgown and wrapper all day long. It does not really seem worth while to dress. Oh, how I wish a letter from Mama would come! It is such an age since she last wrote—or appears so to me, which amounts to the same thing. Miss Page will become a nun next Saturday. I am glad—it will be a change.
Silhouettes.
This evening before dinner, Lulu, Mamie and I, for the want of something better to do, made silhouettes of each other. They turned out to be wonderful likenesses, much to our astonishment—and for once in historical record three cooks failed to spoil the broth. When our work was finished, we all looked more like chimney-sweeps than respectable members of the Nunnery. Tante Clio read us a French comedy aloud.
Sunday, 25th Jan. 80. I did not accompany Mamie to church this morning as I was afraid of my throat. v. König called this A.M. before dinner. I did not see him as my toilette was not finished. A Herr v. Barnekow also made his appearance and wanted to take French lessons from Tante Clio. Tante C. sent word she only gave English lessons and the young aspirant made a hasty and awkward exit. Nini also came but remained only a minute.
Interesting Correspondence.
Lulu and I were racking our poor brains for ideas for our Monday composition, when, tired and disgusted, I took up a pen and dashed off a note to Leonard v. Fink—she answered in Leonard’s name and addressed to Sabine—I then wrote to Herr Fink himself from Anton and we have continued our correspondence until it has become very interesting. One can read Lulu’s character like an open book in these letters. They are written, of course, in German, being taken out of Freitag’s "Loll und Haben". Nini came to supper and spent the evening. We talked of sea-voyages, of Gredel’s admirer, Collard, and were very merry.
Monday, 26th Jan. 80. Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Mamie and I went to the Neuen Seen to skate at 2 P.M.
(12.) Skating - Neuen Seen!!
We saw Heinrichs already on the ice, as we drove up, and Verschuer was strolling placidly along before the entrance, evidently thinking it not worth while to descend so long as four well known Graces did not enhance the beauty of Dame Nature herself by their presence. There was no crowd on the ice such as renders the Kausseau Insel almost unendurable now, and we were "Lords of all we surveyed". Lulu declined skating with me once or twice as she calls me "a magnet for attracting Verschuer" and she has some ridiculous prejudice to the said gentleman. Why, I do not know, unless it is that he is a little fonder of me than of her!
Not long after, I saw something blue and white seated on the bench and having its skates buckled on, and on nearer inspection I found it to be the handsomest of the handsome, the gallantest of the gallant—namely no less than Stangen himself. I challenge anyone to find a fault in his whole person. His features might be of a more classical beauty, but the ensemble could not be more perfect. We all met together on a less crowded part of the ice, where we could run without being in danger of being knocked down by a thousand place of aspiring school-boys and played a game of tag. When Stangen made for and caught me the first of all, I told him it was mean to go for the weakest. He skates like an angel (I wonder if angels skate?) and has never yet been caught by any one. When I was within an inch of being captured, he was always there to rescue me and drag my tired limbs into a safety. Some delightful chains were formed in which I was several times, at my own request, at the end—but Tante Gretchen insisted upon a gentleman’s accompanying me, when I floated off, propelled into unknown regions, for fear I should never return alive.
The three little Schlieben boys (friends of Helene) were there all dressed in suits trimmed with astrakan [the tight, curly fur of lambs]. They followed us, in mute admiration, all over the pond like three little pages.
Stangen was pushing me in a chair and I was finding it so delightful, not only the ride but sundry glances I cast sideways at the expressive face under the white cap, when, suddenly, the whole affair tipped over, throwing me headlong, of course. Stangen caught me around the waist and succeeded in setting me on my feet—his cheeks and forehead were crimson, for he had assured me a few minutes before that there was no possible danger with him. Verschuer, Lulu and several strangers witnessed the catastrophe—Lulu says I made no exposure in falling. Stangen insisted upon continuing my ride, and as no bones were broken and the spilling-out had had no dampening effect on our spirits (rather the contrary), I was restored to my seat and we glided on.
Lulu had a mishap before leaving but it did not prove very serious. Stangen and Verschuer accompanied us to a cab. Verschuer and I walked ahead and as Mamie expresses it were "as playful as two kittens".
Bienzi.
After swallowing a little dinner on reaching home, we bundled up and Tante Clio accompanied Lulu, Mamie and me to the opera to hear Bienzi. Cold shivers kept travelling up and down my back during the whole evening and, besides being sleepy, my head ached frightfully. Under the existing circumstances, the evening was not enjoyable. v. Voigts-Rhetz was there—and Marguerite also, I found out later.
Tuesday, 27th Jan. 80. This morning I ran off to Nini’s and she, Margo and I went to the Grossbeerenstr. Rink to skate and remained almost two hours. From three to four, I skated again with Frau Shaeffer and Mamie in the Yorkstr. Rink and Lulu and I took our singing lesson at 4 P.M. The consequences of this day’s hard work are that I have [a] headache and am worn out.
Wednesday, 28th Jan. 80.
Skating - Kausseau Insel (13.).
Were disappointed on arriving to find no music. There was such a crowd of people that we had some trouble in finding a man to put on our skates. Brandt greeted us, of course, at the entrance, and proposed taking Lulu and me off, as soon as we were ready, one on each hand, but I for my part declined. I was obliged, however, to skate with him afterwards as I could have found no excuse for refusing. I think it seemed rather funny to both of us, to be skating together again.
Kotze, Stangen, Heinrichs, Hambruch, Dassel and Verschuer were also there and made themselves generally useful in heading chains etc. etc. The "sickly looking civilian" of Krauses’ ball asked me to skate with him, but rather than run the risk of being bored to death, I feigned a previous engagement.
Tante Clio left at 4 P.M. and wanted to take me with her, but I did not feel like stopping in the very midst of so much pleasure and remained. I was glad I did, as I perceived Stangen a few moments later. Lieutenant Stumm, a tall, blue huzzar renowned for having written some book or other and envied by his brother-officers for his high military position, came up and spoke to Margo and me and begged pardon for not having recognized me at first. v. Raysart and v. Schenk were both on the ice, as well as a tall, bearded officer, whom I think I have met somewhere, and who followed me about and stared at me, whenever a favorable opportunity offered itself.
Nini, Margo and Edgar arrived a little later on, just as I was coming back from an exciting run with the dear Dassel. I introduced Edgar to the Schlieben boys and they seemed to be good friends immediately.
Verschuer was very preoccupied today and he confided to Tante Gretchen that on reaching home, he expected to find a telegram, announcing that he had arrived at the dignity of unclehood. I begged Hambruch to teach me to skate hollandaise [like the Dutch] and I made very rapid progress during the short time that I was under his guidance. Edgar whispered in Nini’s ear, as he saw Stangen and me skating together, that we looked like "a beautiful prince and princess". I am sure it can be no greater pleasure to look at us than it is for me to be there at his side, in the sunshine of his bonny blue eyes. Stangen is so amiable—he is too generally amiable for my taste.
Kotze’s naughtiness sometimes verges on impolitesse [impoliteness], and as he made such a fuss about joining one of our chains, and Tante Gretchen’s begging finally obtained a sulky obedience on his part, I became disgusted and went off and sat down on a bench. It is possible to carry a thing a little too far, my friend, and you have sunk very much in my estimation today.
Thursday, 29th Jan. 80. Tante Gretchen remained late in bed this morning and I feared for a moment she would not be able to skate today.
Shaefferchen played the Appasionata Sonata for me this morning. I was lost in rapture. This heavenly music awakens every warm impulse in my whole body. It is in these moments, I would give worlds to have someone there to enjoy it with me and as I do. Someone, in other words, who understands me and loves what I love and as I love!
(14.) Skating, Neuen Seen!
Marguerite came with Tante G., Lulu, Mamie and me to the Neuen Seen to skate today at 3. Hambruch and Puttkamer were already there, and Stangen, Dassel and Verschuer soon came also. Mrs. Lawrence and daughter joined us there. We played tag and enjoyed it intensely. I think Stangen must have been tired today for he was caught twice. Mrs. Lawrence sat on a chair on the ice and watched us. It is somewhat comforting that Carry Lawrence is no stronger that I and became quite as easily fatigued. I continued my lessons in hollandais skating with Hambruch and Stangen—the latter found that I did it beautifully. Puttkamer the Patient devoted himself as usual to Marguerite, who strikes out wonderfully with one foot and drags the other behind, making it a rather one-sided affair. I caught Dassel’s eyes very often in my direction! I wonder if he is going to be fool enough, after quarreling desperately with me at first, to fall in love with me?
Verschuer informed me with due solemnity, that he was in possession of a niece since yesterday, whereupon I congratulated him. I enjoyed everything to the very utmost today—in fact I beamed with joy. Stangen asked me if I would be at Krauses’ next ball. I said I thought probably so. If he is only there it will more—no, not more, but will quite repay me for Wilhelm v. Puttkamer’s absence. How sadly fickle I am!
I skated hollandais with Verschuer just before leaving and find he is better-schooled in the art than either Stangen or Hambruch. The weather has been beautiful and the air is just sufficiently cold to bring a becoming tinge of red to the cheeks. I walked part of the way to a cab, between Verschuer and Stangen—we were all three in a very talkative mood. Tante Gretchen was not in a very serene humour towards the last. The gentlemen all dance at the palace tonight.
Friday, 30th Jan. 80. My feet are in a very doubtful condition this morning—they not only ache all over but I am obliged to walk on the sides, being the only spot where the skate-straps have not bruised the flesh. At the breakfast table, it was announced, after some discussion from all parties present, that the next time we went to skate, Elisa was to come to take me home before the others, as I was not strong enough to remain more than an hour and a half. If I had made any complaint, that the others staid too late, or that I was fatigued, then I should have been prepared for this disagreeable piece of news, but as it was, I became furious and could almost have cried. If I have not the strength, I certainly have the will to undertake anything that the others do. The skating will be no pleasure to me at all, if I feel that I am obliged to be borne off in triumph by Elisa just when the fun is the greatest! Oh, Heavens, how childish I am! So much fuss about such a simple thing! Will it make any difference ten years hence whether I skate three hours or ten minutes?! Well, I am vexed, anyway, and am not going to take the trouble to argue with myself, at least not now.
Lulu skated with Frau Shaeffer from 3 to 4 in the Yorkstr. Rink. I went for her at 4 and we took our singing lesson together. Tante Gretchen came to bring us home.
Candy Pull.
Found Nini here who told us that Lulu and I, together with Margo, were invited to Lawrences’ to a "candy pull" at 7. We were obliged to dress in great haste. I wore my short gray cashmere trimmed with maroon velvet, Lulu blue cashmere and black velvet made à la Margaretha, and Margo, gray cashmere with gray silk.
Margo brought a carriage and stopped to take us in here, but on arriving below we found the carriage had disappeared. Elisa called a cab and away we rolled, we three alone, for the first time since ages. I am sorry dear Mamie was not invited and can’t quite understand why Mrs. L. left her out. We, together with the Newburys (Mrs. N., son and daughter), were the first to arrive at 28 Schöneberger Ufer. The other guests were Mr. Young and Mr. Epston, two youths who have been to Russia lately, and who were barely endurable because they brought a breath of Petersburg back with them (dear Petersburg! I wonder if my path in Life will ever lead me to you once more?!……)—and Herr von Bassewitz, the man à l’amour malheureux [of the unhappy love] whom I met before at Lawrences’.
The whole company soon repaired to the kitchen and laid their heads together as to how candy can be made—if the sugar comes first, if it must be stirred etc. It proved that nobody had the faintest suspicion how one should go about it, and I was the only one who covered myself with glory, by the announcement, that vinegar was an essential. As everybody seemed to be content with this modest information and a load was lifted from the minds of one and all, the bag of white sugar was emptied into the brass pot. Carry L. and I armed ourselves with aprons and mammoth spoons and a general stirring commenced. Luckily, at this critical moment, Mrs. Cluthaut came and of course knew all about it, and relieved us of the responsibility. I have been interrupted in my descriptions of the "candy pull" and only have time now to say that the candy was a success more or less, and after the pulling, we danced a little and ate wine jelly, lemonade, sandwiches, chocolate and cakes. Came home at 11 P.M.
Saturday, 31st Jan. 80. Tante Gretchen, Mamie and Lulu went skating to the Neuen Seen. I feel melancholy. Tante Marie and I walked in the Yorkstr. and talked about Gredel and Wilhelm v. P……. The weather is heavenly. The others came home very late—had had a glorious time. v. Dassel remarked to Mamie that he thought it curious we never came together. He meant rarely. Perhaps he thinks we are afraid of eclipsing each other.
Miss Page’s Arrival.
Miss Page (Gertrude) came to remain today. Poor girl, I pity her from the bottom of my heart. She is a bird between two tigers’ claws.
This evening was a substitute for an English evening, and v. Verschuer and v. Puttkamer made their appearance promptly at 8 P.M. They were the only men among so many females and I admire their courage. They treated us to a great many miraculous gymnastic feats such as jumping up on each other’s shoulders, etc. etc. It was a circus in miniature. v. Puttkamer danced a Cossack’s dance which was very pretty. They enjoyed all this as much as we did and I believe were delighted to find themselves the only gents because we made so much of them. Mrs. Lawrence and daughter were also here. We ended up with a dance all around and the gentlemen declared they had never passed a pleasanter evening.
Sunday, 1st February 80. Tante Gretchen and Mamie went to church. Gertrude amused Lulu and me this morning by telling us about her crooked back and the agonies she had gone through to have it put straight. It reminded me somewhat of my trials in that line in Paris. Mamie and I spent the afternoon at Nini’s and had a delightful time. Nini refused once more to tell me anything else about Victor—it is désépéran [desperate]! She thinks it wiser that I should know nothing more about it—and in my opinion that…!
Rehearsal of Piano de Berthe.
Brandt came to rehearse our French piece (Piano de Berthe) at 8 P.M. He was dressed en civile [in civilian clothing] and excessively English—we all found it an improvement on the uniform. Tante G. remained in the room to hear us repeat. Brandt did not know his rôle very well but stammered it out as well as he could. He begged pardon when he kissed my hand but repeated the proceeding. Otherwise he is by no means sentimental; in fact not enough so for his rôle—les sentiments lui manquent complètement [he lacks sentiment completely].
Helene has fallen forever in my opinion tonight!!!
Monday, 2nd Feb. 80. I went to skate at the Neuen Seen (15.) with Tante Clio and Frau Shaeffer. Frau S. was nearly dead from fatigue before we arrived on the ice—and therefore did not enjoy herself at all—we were obliged almost to carry her home afterwards. She has very little strength.
Puttkamer left a moment after we arrived. Verschuer and Hambruch were there and devoted themselves to me. We made some very jolly chains—the two gentlemen pulled me around on the end. I had one fall with Hambruch—we knocked another couple down and all four lay sprawling for a moment. I also skated hollandais between the two gents and was very well satisfied with my own progress. It was altogether very charming, but not as jolly perhaps as when we all go together.
Hambruch and Verschuer accompanied us to the car. I made Verschuer promise he would learn his duets well and sing them with me the next time. Lulu went to a ball at her Aunt’s tonight—looked very pretty in blue silk with daisies in her hair.
Tuesday, 3rd Feb. 80. In reading this morning in our history lesson about Tiberius, one of Rome’s emperors, I could not help thinking how very much Helene’s character was like his. I could stand all—anything—but not deceit—not meanness—not baseness! I shall call her Tibby in future. I am afraid I bear a strong resemblance to the Pharisee in the Bible, when I pray to God never to bring me among such wicked people again.
Lulu and Gertrude went to skate at Neuen Seen with Tante Gretchen. Mamie and I took a singing lesson at Shaeffers’.
Innocent Intrigue.
In coming home, bent on an intrigue of some sort, we went to Nini’s, although it was nearly dark and we are not allowed to go alone. Margo was the only one at home. We remained a moment—just time enough to kiss around and laugh over our meeting Elisa on the way, whom we bribed not to betray us to the relentless Aunts.
Stangen was not at the ice today—I was glad, for it was a disappointment to Tante Gretchen. This evening Tante Clio commenced reading "Brigitta," by Auerbach, aloud.
Wednesday, 4th Feb. 80. We all took our painting lesson this morning. My spirits rose wonderfully in the open air. Nini came at 4 P.M. and tried on our corsages [dresses] to send to Paris.
No Invitations!
Nini brought some very disagreeable news with her, namely that the porter at the Krauses’ had told her all invitations were already given out for a ball there on the 14th—and ours have not arrived! I do not understand it and think it is a mistake in the delivering, for Frau v. Krause told me she should expect me to honour her ball in February. I felt very very unhappy about it at first. I know how the Tantes will triumph—but now, I smile as I write, and think how stupid and childish to allow such little things disturb one’s equanimity. No—happiness is too rare and precious, in this world, to be shattered by such trifles.
A very amusing letter from Brandt came today, saying that for the present, it would be impossible for him to learn his rôle—he used three pages and a half to innumerate the obstacles. I rather think he is sorry himself and therefore I believe his letter to be sincere. I am growing alarmingly indifferent. I care absolutely nothing about the whole thing—neither one way nor the other!
We continued Brigitta this evening after dinner.
Thursday, 5th Feb. 80. Lulu is indisposed and will not be able to go to the ball at her Aunt’s.
Skating—Neuen Seen(16.).
At 2 P.M. Tante G., Mamie, Gertrude and I went to the Neuen Seen to skate. It is very cold today. Verschuer, Stangen, Dassel and Puttkamer were present. We played tag and were all successively caught. I fell once, with Dassel and Verschuer on top of me. After this we danced the lancers—Dassel was my partner, much to my disgust. It seemed very funny to dance on skates and without music. Our bows were rather uncertain and decidedly one-sided. Stangen danced with Tante Gretchen. I always think of the spider and the fly when I see these two together. How handsome he looks when the sun falls in his face! A few chains were formed after the dance and then we ladies placed ourselves across a narrow portion of the ice between the island and the main-land and tried to catch the gentlemen as they swept past. It was hard work but we enjoyed it.
Dassel left before we did—we teazed him because he is always tired and hungry. It must be a comfort to see such a man at one’s feet! I proposed trying chains with all the ladies in front and the gentlemen behind. The masculine portion of our party laughed a great deal at first, but found it succeeded better than they thought. Verschuer accompanied us part of the way and Stangen and Puttkamer the entire way to Potsdammer Thor, where we found a carriage.
English Evening (6.).
The door-bells were very promising this evening, while I was dressing. When I entered the parlour with Tante Clio, I found Frl. v. Ditmar, Tante Gretchen, the other girls and Messrs. Röder, Heinrichs, Verschuer, Hambruch & König already assembled. I placed myself besides König as I was curious to know what he was like, having had so little to do with him at our ball here, and we commenced a lively conversation in faultless English. What a funny big fellow he is—with a mouth like a baby’s and a blonde moustache only visible when viewed microscopically.
Helene and Hambruch sang a duet by Schumann and some songs alone. I did my best to shake off the melancholy effect the music had upon me. The words "Mir der Schickval will es nicht! [To me, fate is not will!]" rang in my ears for a moment after. A funny coincidence was that, once while Hambruch was singing, Helene and I looked at each other and both smiled broadly although we have not spoken for three or four days, in consequence of a squabble we had. How incomprehensible is the world!
I played "Nachts" afterwards. Lulu assures me Verschuer looked very sad and pensive. When I turned around on the piano stool after having tried Röder’s voice to see if it was a tenor, I was dumbstruck to find the carpet and tables moved away and all preparing for a dance. This was delightful. We danced to our hearts’ content. It seems Frl. von Ditmar was kind enough to beg Tante Clio for the permission.
Friday, 6 Feb. 80. This morning just as Tante Gretchen, Mamie, Lulu and I were going out for a walk, we met Frau von Berger on the steps. Tante Gretchen remained to be with her and we girls went out alone.
Ramble in the Thiergarten.
Saturday, 7th Feb. 80. Mamie and Nini went to the dentist’s this morning. I spent the morning with Marguerite. How happy we are to be together. Mamie had two teeth filled. We came home to lunch. Verschuer came today a half hour before his English lesson and he and I sang our duets. Tante Gretchen accompanied us but was rather impatient with poor, unfortunate Verschuer, who has a rather dim idea of keeping time. I have promised Nini I will not play in the wax figures next Thursday, unless she is invited.
Sunday, 8th Feb. 80. We were roused from our beds at 7.30 this morning. At 9.30 we were off for the Neuen Seen, Tante Gretchen, Helene, Gertrude, Lulu, Mamie and I—all armed with baskets of sandwiches and tell-tale bottles.
We found Puttkamer and Verschuer already on the ice and they held up their watches accusingly to us and informed us we were ten minutes behind time. The wind was frightfully cold at first, and, much to our disgust, the people were beginning to stream in very rapidly. Stangen arrived, very swell, in a first-class cab and Hambruch at his heels. Röder was the very last to come, of course. Haugwitz, Neubraun & Dassel were also there.
We played tag for a while and Röder refused obstinately to join in. I kept falling continually and bruised my hand and knee. We also danced a quadrille in which Stangen was my partner and Lulu and Hambruch our vis-a-vis. His yellow Lordship skated provokingly around us.
In the meantime Verschuer’s servant had found a charming little corner behind one of the islands, under the shade (?) of a big tree, where he had brought chairs and the baskets of eatables. Here we betook ourselves, 12 in number, and Lulu and Mamie immediately perched themselves on one of the lower branches of the tree.
Stangen laughed at the faces I made over the punch Verschuer had brought with him, but nevertheless I swallowed three glasses of this detestable punch in order to feel jolly afterwards. The gentlemen washed the glasses in a convenient hole in the ice not far from our spot and red wine, white wine, punch and liqueur were drunk alternately out of the same glasses. In less than a half hour everything was devoured. Tante Clio came just in time to receive the last sandwich and last drop of wine.
The process of eating, having heated us considerably, and longing to put our legs in motion once more, we left the scene of disorder in the way of overturned chairs, bottles and crumbs, and returned to the main part of the ice which had become comfortably jammed during our absence.
I had just triumphantly wrung from Röder his consent to join in a chain (under the condition that he should be next to me) when Neubraun’s fair locks made themselves visible over the heads of the rest of the assembled company. Of course his first question was, if I should be at Krauses’ ball Saturday, and I was obliged to answer that an insurmountable impediment had presented itself in the shape of "no invitation"! He declared it was a mistake and seemed very unhappy about it. I had not the satisfaction of bringing Röder into a chain before the eyes of the world, for another game was decided upon instead, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am the only one who has ever succeeded in obtaining the necessary consent. I understand now what a gentleman once told me—that women can be very dangerous in the power they exercise over men. I skated with v. Paysart and v. Barnekow, both of whom I met at the Krauses’. Barnekow appears to be harmless; I do not fancy the other one much.
Shaeffers’ Gesellschaft [company].
In the evening, Tante Clio, Tante Gretchen and I went to a soirée musicale at Shaeffers’ and supped there. We were 12 at table, I think. I was taken in by Oberförster Strüben. The second act of Lohengrin was sung and several other things. The evening passed pleasantly, but at the last I almost went to sleep, being so worn out.
Monday, 9th Feb. 80. Today is Nini’s birthday. In the afternoon, Lulu, Gertrude and I skated in the Yorkstr. Rink—ice almost melted. Walked up on the Kiengberg. In the evening I felt a little unwell and was not able to go to Nini.
Monday, 9th Feb. 80. Today is Nini’s birthday. In the afternoon, Lulu, Gertrude and I skated in the Yorkstr. Rink—ice almost melted. Walked up on the Kiengberg. In the evening I felt a little unwell and was not able to go to Nini.
Tuesday, 10th Feb. 80. I spent the morning with Nini. She read me this letter from Puttkamer (Wilhelm). [An empty enveloped, addressed to Miss E. Quillard, is pasted in the diary.] I was not very much surprised!
Strange Revelations!
She has at last told me what I have so long wanted to know. It is as I thought. I am happy and troubled at the same time! What she told me concerned V….. S…… [Victor Sproesser].
Skating—Neuen Seen (18.).
Tante Gretchen, Gertrude, Lulu and I went skating in the afternoon. The ice was delightful. Hambruch, Puttkamer, Stangen & Strüber (the uninteresting Oberförster) were there. We played tag and many other games, danced a quadrille, and ran races. I was in the humour for skating & did well.
I looked at Puttkamer and wondered if he knew that his brother liked me—I felt oh! so happy and so at my ease—I have such a dear secret in my heart! It has been an eventful day.
Wednesday, 11th Feb. 80. Miss Lawrence was at the painting lesson this morning. I sent an invitation to Nini for the wax figures—she refused, having had a previous engagement. Nini came for an instant in the afternoon.
Rehearsal.
In the evening, Röder, Verschuer, Stangen, Dassel & Brandt came to rehearse for the wax-figures. We girls were in costume. Stangen was en civile [in civilian dress] and looked heavenly. After performing, we repaired to the salon where tea was served. Brandt seated himself next to me on the sofa and, with a very sheepish expression, begged me for my photograph. He showed me one of his which I found flattering and told him so. My friend B. is coming around! Verschuer also wants my photograph. What am I to do? Shall I give them or not?
Thursday, 12th Feb. 80. This morning we all took a little walk with Tante Gretchen and bought fresh flowers for this evening. Nini came for a moment in the afternoon and took my paletot [cloak] to the tailor’s. Tante Gretchen has been busy at the stage all day long. Mamie, Lulu and I had a romp in their room while I was putting my hair up in papers. We drank coffee in the kitchen and were as merry as we generally are under such circumstances. The ground was covered with sleet this morning but it has thawed during the day.
Wax-figures!
Röder was the first to arrive at 7.30 and by degrees the gentlemen betook themselves to the school-room to dress (Röder had brought a hair-dresser), and shortly after we all met on the stage in costume. Röder, as Mr. Farley, was greeted with screams of laughter from his fellow performers, or rather his wax-figures. His head was adorned with a curly black wig and his pretentious blond moustache dyed to a jetty black, as well as eye-brows and lids. He wore a blue frock coat with long tails and brass buttons, over a flowered vest of all the colors of the rainbow. A silver medal "for merit" was hung by a red ribbon on the left side. In short he was a finished fop, and Röder was no longer recognizable.
Lulu was Blue Beard’s wife, dressed in my gray wrapper, with a great many jewels and a crown on her head. Brandt was Blue Beard in white tights, red velvet jacket & Henry VIII cap. His beard was decidedly black, however. Helene looked very sweetly as Maid of Athens, with a red cap perched on the side of her head and a mammoth red-flannel heart in her hand. Gertrude and Mamie were two "merry Wives of Windsor" and had on proper caps and a great many bows and furbelows [ruffles and flounces]. Dassel was an invalid-soldier with a bandage over his eye and a white beard, and played a hand-organ. I was the crazy Orphelia in Mamie’s pink Parisian wrapper draped over, with white tarlatan [a thin, stiffly starched open-weave muslin] caught on my head. I held a basket with flowers. Stangen & Verschuer were in short jackets with very becoming large white collars and red noses—as boys to carry and dust the figures.
The spectators arrived slowly and we were obliged to wait a long time before the order was given to take our positions. Finally the curtain was drawn to and we heard a rustling of silk which told us that the audience, which consisted in Herr and Frau v. Berger, Frau v. Ramin, Frl. v. Ditmar, Mrs. and Miss Lawrence, Frl. Aniwitz, Frau v. Gandy, v. Kotze, Tantes Clio & Gretchen & Hambruch, was seating itself.
When the curtain opened, an admiring ah! was heard. I am sure such a sight would have spell-bound the real Farley himself. There we stood in our beauty and immobility. The boys soon made themselves active in removing our veils and dusting our wax visages, making us kind allowance for eyes, nose or mouth. Mr. Farley after throwing his hat & gloves to the boys, commenced his long speech, in ridiculously broken English and, one by one, the figures were brought to the middle and performed. Blue Beard went through the action of cutting off his wife’s head, with the most killing grimaces and the most frightful rolling of eyes. The red flannel heart of the Maid of Athens moved hopelessly in the air and finally stopped with a jerk half-way back to its resting place. The fair Ophelia was trembling from head to foot when the boys came to bring her forward, not from fright, not from craziness, but from having stood so long on a pair of very high heels. The merry wives stopped in the midst of their laughing with their mouths open. The boys shut them carefully and removed the figures. The curtain fell amongst cries of "bis [encore]" and much applause.
We all then retired to reappear in less fantastic costume. Blue Beard whispered as he stalked out on his rococo legs, adieu, Mlle. Ophelia, je vais à un bal [I leave for a ball]—adieu. I said, amusez-vous bien [enjoy yourself], and sweet visions of a graceful Boston on his arm floated away as the white legs disappeared down the corridor leading to the gentlemen’s dressing-room.
[Pasted to the page, left, a strip of white wool, knotted in the center, labeled: "Dassel’s (the invalid soldier’s) moustache!"]
When I returned to the salon in my blue linen and roses in my hair, I found the female part of the assembly seated in a demi-circle and the gentlemen wandering restlessly to & fro, devouring sandwiches and awaiting an opportunity to settle down and honour some fair maiden with their observations. v. Berger & v. Kotze stopped me at the door and inquired after my probable exhaustion. People in this country persist in thinking me too fragile for anything but being packed in cotton or put under a glass case.
Mrs. Lawrence informed me that Mrs. Newbury was going to give a dance this week and that Lulu and I would probably be invited. She was perhaps surprised that I evinced not the slightest pleasure in hearing this important piece of news. The truth is, I don’t feel inclined to squander my amiability on a dozen half-grown American youths, who would adorn a college very well perhaps, but not a ball-room.
As soon as I had a chance, I begged Röder to use his all-powerful influence with Tante Gretchen and obtain the permission for dancing. I communicated the same to Verschuer and Lulu impressed the importance of such a step on the irresistible Kotze, and then we sat down to await the results. Much sooner than I expected, Verschuer returned radiant and announced victory. The carpet was removed, the piano opened, and gloves dragged on. After a few round dances I begged for a quadrille and we danced the Lancers with 6 pairs instead of 4. Stangen danced vis-a-vis to his yellow Lordship and me, and looked thunder bolts at me in one of the figures where we had not paid attention and required some explanation to make the figure clear to us. [An envelope is affixed to the page, in which is a slip of paper with a diagram of the "position of wax-figures," audience & stage on the one side and the pairings for the Lancers on the other—these being Lulu/Kotze, Helene/Dassel, Miss Lawrence/Stangen, Mamie/Vers., Ada/Röder and Gertrude/ Hambruch.]
Röder had just been begging me for my photograph and assuring me it was a matter of the greatest importance, although I did smile and look incredulous—and we had just decided on settling the question by counting the buttons on my dress and saying, yes, no, all the way down until the last button should pronounce his supreme happiness or eternal misery—when I caught Stangen’s reproving gaze on me. I believe he thinks me a cold, heartless coquette. I must commence, however, to reconcile myself to being found cold—and altogether misjudged. Even Victor believed me incapable of loving! Oh, Heavens, what mockery!
Stangen devoted himself to Carrie Lawrence. She is very womanly and sweet—and shows very little character. This is his ideal of the "weaker sex" probably. Very well, I wish him joy and a dear, little, unpretending, obedient wife who will never be guilty of the preposterous crime of having an opinion of her own. So be it!
Lulu was charming in her blue cashmere, square in the neck where she had placed white tulle and a few modest violets to hide the snow beneath.
I have enjoyed myself to the fullest extent this evening and am as worn out as is possible to be. There is one very sad fact that I had forgotten as long as the gaiety continued, and I now allow to dawn over my dozing brain as I lie in bed—Friday, it is thawing!
Friday, 13th Feb. 80.. The doctor came this morning and looked at my foot which has been hurting me lately. He prescribed a kind of soap for it.
What fun we had this morning, Mamie, Lulu & I in the school-room. We arranged the pantaloons, boots, coats, scarfs and other masculine objects left by the gentlemen actors last night on a chair, very gracefully posed and quietly sat down and drew them to leave a lasting impression of their individuality in our memories. What fun!
I spent the afternoon at Nini’s and had a paletot tried on to send to Paris. Nini, Margo, Edgar and little Hattie accompanied me to Shaeffers’ at 4 P.M. where I had a singing lesson with Lulu. Helene sang in a concert in the Singakademie tonight. We read "Nathan der Weise" by Lessing aloud, in turns.
Saturday, 14th Feb. 80. I remained in bed all morning. Received invitations for Nini, Margo and myself to a ball at Krauses’ on the 23rd inst [literally, ‘instant;’ in this usage, ‘precisely.’]. Do not think I will go.
I tried to practise but do not feel strong enough. Practicing fatigues me more and more every day. I am afraid I will have to give it up. We were going to the theatre to see "Nathan der Weise," but no tickets to be had. I am glad as I have a head-ache. Even if I had received an invitation to Krauses’ big ball tonight I could not have gone. I wonder if I shall be missed among so many young faces! Yes, I believe Neubraun will think of me and perhaps even Stangen the Severe!? There was a dance at Frau Dr. Landmann’s tonight, and one also at Kährn’s to which Gertrude went.
Sunday, 15th Feb. 80. Joy! There was ice in the streets this morning. It is thawing now that the sun shines so brightly, but there is still hope of its freezing again tonight. Mamie went to church with Elisa. Lulu and I sat in the school-room and read parts of our journals to each other. In the after- noon Mamie and I went to Nini’s for an hour. I am undecided whether I will go to Krauses’ ball or not, and Nini seems to be a little provoked at my hesitation. I do not myself know what reason I have for not wishing to go.
Came home and Lulu, Gertrude, Mamie and I drank coffee together as the Tantes and Helene are out. We discussed characters. Gertrude is a very sensible girl, but I am afraid she has a wrong opinion of me. Lulu is simply laughably childish on such occasions.
The discussion was becoming very hot when Tante Clio came and she and I left together for Shaeffers’ where we spent the evening with them and Herr and Frau Jassen. Shaefferchen and Jassen played a sonata by Kiel & one by Beethoven for violin & piano. It was heavenly. At supper, the principal subject of conversation was the years. I listened with eyes and mouth open, for Shaefferchen, Jassen & Tante Clio talk well.
Monday, 16th Feb. 80. I gave up my piano lesson this morning and took a singing one instead. After lunch, Tante Clio, Lulu, Mamie and I walked to the Thiergarten and around the Kausseau Insel, where we saw the people skating. The charming Graf Dönhoff was on the ice and espied us, of course. I met the Espagnol and bowed. In the evening Nini, Margo, Mamie, Edgar and I went to the opera to hear the Fille du Régiment (Tagliano).
Résumé.
I have not written for such an age in my journal. It has been a great sacrifice to me—I have had so much to say! But perhaps it is just as well I do not confide all in these dear pages. They would have value only for me in later days and I have no doubt I would accuse myself of having been the silliest, most romantic young person in the world—and I won’t be laughed at, even by myself!
Thursday the 19th has been a day I shall never forget. The thinking has made me older by several years, I believe. In the morning I went with Nini to the dressmakers to try on my blue dress, which is being made over for Krauses’ ball.
Another Decision.
On our way home, I stopped at Nini’s and, while we were talking, a telegram was brought to her. I noticed that she seemed very much excited by the contents, but she did not seem inclined to make Margo and me acquainted with them. Finally, however, she opened the telegram and read—in German—"Can I speak with you this evening at 6 o’clock on very important affairs? W. von Puttkamer."
My heart bounded. I knew what he meant and so did Nini. I came home excited. We had intended going to skate but it rained and has thawed so that all hope of ice must be given up. I had made Nini promise she would write me a note at 8 P.M. and tell me the result of her conversation with Wilhelm v. P. She came herself, however, just as I was dressing for the "English Evening" and looked flushed & excited.
Of course it was as we thought! She said Wilhelm’s voice trembled from emotion, in laying his sentiments bare before her—and he repeated—"Oh, if I could only speak with Ada!" I know him well enough to realize how hard it must have been for him to speak of his feelings to a third person. He thought we would remain until Sept. in Berlin and that he would have a chance to speak to Mama. "It has cost me more than you can guess," he said to Nini, "to wait so long before making my intentions known to Mrs. Ames, but I thought it was for the best, as you had given me no room for hope last winter."
Bless his dear noble heart, how willingly I would lay my hand in his if I did not feel that in so doing I must renounce my country and my family. But he is a true man and I fear there are not many such in this world!
English Evening.
As soon as Nini left, I went into the parlour and found Franz von Puttkamer talking to the assembled Nunnery. Did he feel that he was perhaps speaking to his future sister-in-law when we talked? Was he aware of his brother’s presence in Berlin? I do not know, but at all events something seemed to draw us together and I felt his eyes on me in a steady gaze more than once. Mamie noticed it also. My thoughts were far away and it was a great relief to me when a game of consequences was proposed and we repaired to the dining-room and sat around the table. Soon after, Verschuer made his appearance. Frau Shaeffer was also here. They found me inattentive—they would not, had they known ……. how hard it is to think ….. would it not be better if we followed our impulses! I anticipate a restless night.
Friday, 20th Feb. 80. I have passed a wretched, sleepless night. My brain is so heavy and my poor head aches from thinking. Must I commence so young! Oh, these questions of Life—who can be wise? And I suppose it is well to be wise though ….. I have dreamt of him—it was very natural.
Museum.
Nini was waiting for me when I came home to try on a lovely pink satin corsage Mama sent from Paris as model.
Newburys’ Ball.
In the evening, Lulu and I went to a ball at Mrs. Newbury’s quite alone—oh, what a comfort it was for us both to be for a few hours alone, absolutely alone. Lulu imagined we were late and was therefore very uncomfortable, but when we entered the room, we found it not yet half full.
The American students were there in full force and to our disgust, and the one officer that the soirée afforded was disputed between Lulu & me. Count Valles was there—took me to supper. I did not enjoy the dancing with the Americans as I have taken a positive dislike to their way of dancing. But I hopped around with the solitary German officer until I thought to drop from fatigue and breathlessness. We did not reach home until 3 A.M. and fear Tante Clio’s just displeasure tomorrow.
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