Oh, to know... October 1879

Wednesday, 1 October 1879. Nini and I had a long talk last night and did not go to sleep until 3.30 A.M. Took a walk this morning to see some old buildings. After dinner Henry, Nini, Edgar and I went to the Zoological Garden—coming back met Martinez & Fetherstonhaugh on horseback. Found on arriving that F. had called on Mama. Martines, Gibbons & Ewing called in the evening. Nini, Henry and I went to the opera to hear Fidelio by Beethoven and left the boys with Mama & Edgar.

Thursday, 2nd October 1879.  Nini and I paid a visit at Dr. Davisson’s. Fetherstonhaugh called—very pleasant. Gibbons came with his violin and I accompanied him on the piano. He afterwards saw us off at the station as did Mama, Henry & Edgar. Nini and I left at 2 P.M. for Berlin where we arrived at 73 Grosbeerenstr. at 7 P.M. Received with flags & flowers. Helene Schultz, my room-mate, is already here.

73 Grossbeerenstrasse no longer exists. This is 74, across the street.

73 Grosbeerenstrasse, Berlin - The Nunnery.

Nini and I arrived in the Nunnery tonight at 7 P.M. and really had a festive welcome. Marguerite & Mamie were on the stairs with flags in their hand. On the landing were Tante Clio, Tante Gretchen, and Lulu Cordes, the new scholar. Lulu is decidedly very pretty—classically beautiful, but her expression is not animated enough. We ate supper with all seated around us. I tried to be as agreeable as possible and believe (oh! Vanity) that I succeeded in leaving a very pleasant impression. I laughed and appeared gay but the gaiety lay no deeper than the surface.

A dreadful depression is weighing on my spirit that I cannot shake off. Since the 10th of last month I feel like another person—wiser perhaps—and sadder. Oh, to know that one must give up all hope—that all is finished! It is like a dream. I cannot realize it! Gold help us all.

 

3 October 1879. I am going to try to describe my room-mate because she will probably be an important personage in my everyday life. She is a German and very simple, by name of Helene Schultz. I find her too simple and too model, almost too good and such. However this is today’s opinion—we will see what it will be later on. Dear old Marguerite is just as childish as ever, but I love her for her straightforward & honest character. I look up to my blessed sister and admire her more every day. She is certainly a good & noble girl and will make a glorious woman. Lulu pleases me so far. She is very strong-minded—perhaps a little obstinate—but she has au fond [at the bottom] a very wonderful character. Her ideas are so original and somewhat romantic, but true to her American education, she smothers her real feelings under a cover of indifference & coldness. I know her better!

Monday, 13 Oct. 1879. This afternoon Tante Gretchen, Lulu, Mamie, Marguerite & I walked to the Franz Caserne [Barracks] and asked permission to enter and inspect the monument inside. After a short consultation we were admitted. All the windows of the Caserne immediately became occupied and we were stared at like wild beasts in a menagerie. The soldiers drilled a little while we were in the grounds and ran towards us with guns in their hands. We became rather uneasy and made our escape rapidly. As we were going out the big door some roughs were passing—one of them wondered (aloud) if this was a "Mädel Caserne" ["Girls’ Barracks]. I forgot to mention that we had been christened "Kant-Thiere" a few minutes before by other roughs who had met us on the street.

30th October 1879. My ever faithful journal suffers greatly from neglect but I do intend to try now and write a little every day. My dear journal! Oh, I feel what a "friend in need" it is to me! What other confidence do I care for than these honest white pages. It seems to me that each line written in my blank bound book breathes out a devotion to me—a comfort—no, more than a comfort it is to me. I am at home when I take up the pen to put down my inmost thoughts, my little joys and sorrows & my small prejudices. Human hearts and lips can be—can prove untrue. These solemn pages never!

We all attended a general rehearsal of the "Yahreszeiten" by Floyds yesterday. For the evening the gentlemen, namely Herrn. Heinrichs, von Röder & von Brandt came to rehearse "Les Femmes qui Pleurent" [Women Who Cry] with Lulu and Marguerite. It went off very nicely. von Brandt has left an agreeable impression on me this evening. I have little or no sympathy for Herr Heinrichs. I cannot explain this sentiment, nor can I that that makes Röder so interesting. There are such problems in Life! What a comfort Brandt’s French is after one has been nearly set wild over dreadful German. French!

Friday, 31st October 1879. Lulu and I laughed a great deal in our singing lesson today. I sang an aria from Marriage of Figaro and, as it appears, with not enough feeling. Herr Shaeffer told me to put my hand on my heart, look at Lulu (the Gräfin) and sing with more Leidenschaft. He promised not to look. Of course, this made us so merry that it was impossible to be serious any more that evening.

Mamie has gone to the opera (Prophite, with Niemann) with Mama. Edgar came over and he and I rehearsed our German piece, Damocle’s Schwert [The Sword of Damocles], with Tante Gretchen. Marguerite, Lulu and I are sitting in the school room, all writing in our journals. We are very jolly and laugh a great deal. Tante Gretchen has come several times to ask us if we do not intend honoring them with our presence this evening, but we remain here. Lulu swears that she sees seven moons out of the window and calls Marguerite and me to witness. I declare she has had several bottles of beer.

Lulu interests me and I might almost say puzzles me—but I feel I understand her better than she ever suspects or dreams of, and it needs a great deal of diplomacy to keep this knowledge to myself and not let her suppose it for an instant. She is one of the most passionate natures I ever knew. Life has much to teach her, but she must learn by her own experience. The man she will love must first conquer her pride—her heart will only render itself to him who will master her completely.